In his debate with Governor Sarah Palin (R-Alaska), vice-presidential contender Senator Joe Biden (D-Del) promised that an Obama Administration would overhaul existing bankruptcy laws.

“Right now, the law is focused on contractual obligations,” Biden said. “Need is not a factor in settling the issue. This has to be changed.”

Under the change proposed by Biden, courts would be empowered to adjust the principal owed on outstanding loans. “Say you can’t make your mortgage payments because you lost your job or your adjustable interest rate went up,” Biden said. “Well, under our plan, a judge would have the authority to reduce the amount you owe to bring the amounts due within your ability to pay.”

Biden defended the legal voiding of contracted debt as “basic fairness.” “Ability to pay shouldn’t trump your need for housing,” he contended. “It’s simple social justice. Those who have the ability to pay, should pay. It’s their patriotic duty. Those whose needs outstrip their ability to pay should be provided for by the government.”

Obama Says He Is “Symbol of Hope for All Mankind”

Presidential nominee Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill) confided to a close group of Democratic supporters that it has been revealed to him that he is a “symbol of hope for all mankind.”

“The world has been stumbling in the darkness,” Obama proclaimed. “I am the doorway to a brighter future. I am the light of the world for these troubled times.”

In support of his claim, the Illinois senator told of how “everywhere I go, the children sing my virtues. They have a wisdom untainted by a corrupt society. It is a model for the rest of humanity.”

Obama said he plans to take advantage of the wisdom of children by establishing a “League of American Youth” through the public school system. “We will create a corps of young people committed to fight for a better world,” Obama vowed. “All students will be required to serve the community before they serve themselves. In so doing, we will divert the energy that would have gone into selfish greed into working for the collective well-being of the planet.”

Study Finds Average Voter Bored with Lack of Terrorist Attacks

A survey conducted by University of California professor Dean Weaver found that voters are “bored with the current state of the war on terror.” It is believed that this undermines the presumed electoral strength that McCain and the Republicans would draw from the national security issue.

“Apparently, the absence of attacks since 9-11 has led to a stunning level of complacency,” Weaver observed. “It goes beyond taking safety for granted. People are actually bored by it. For many, life may be indistinguishable from TV and movies. They want drama. They want to see explosions and shoot-outs. They want a real-life Jack Bauer to save the day.”

Weaver pulled out one survey response that he said was typical: “Sure, we haven’t been attacked since 9-11, but it’s getting pretty boring. Obama will shake things up.”

“The open-ended responses on the survey conveyed a sense of a willingness to accept the rather small probability of being personally harmed by an attack in exchange for the vicarious excitement of living in a ‘movie-like’ adventure,’” Weaver said. “Given these responses, I’d have to say it looks like Senator Obama will be our next president.”

NY Times Denies Obama and Ayers Close

The New York Times alleges that its “exhaustive” investigation failed to turn up any evidence that the relationship between Democratic presidential nominee Senator Barack Obama (Ill) and 1960s Weatherman terrorist William Ayers is or was a close one.

“We could find no witnesses to attest that Obama and Ayers even held hands, much less kissed or had sex,” wrote Times reporter, Scott Shane. “No one ever saw them out on a date. There are no love letters. I’d have to say that these men are not close as I understand the term. The GOP claim that they are is clearly a smear.”

Ayers participated in several bombings, including one at the Pentagon. On September 11, 2001 he said he regretted not doing more. Ayers is now a professor at the University of Illinois at Chicago, College of Education.

Campaign Hails Global Support

Campaign spokesman Bill Blatherskite cited Obama’s two-to-one financial advantage over the McCain campaign as evidence of “our broader base of support.”

“The little people all over the world are scrimping so they can donate their last dollar to our cause,” boasted Blatherskite. “That there is such universal faith in Senator Obama shows that this election is truly epochal.”

Over half the $425 million raised by the campaign has come from donors whose names have not been disclosed. This stands in contrast to the complete donor base that the McCain camp has put online.

Blatherskite defended the secrecy as “essential.” “We have promised these poor and huddled masses that we will respect the confidentiality of their donations,” he said. “This protects them against retaliation by right-wing ideologues and racists.”

Of the names that have been disclosed, suspicion has arisen as to their validity. A case in point is one “Good Will,” a purported Texan whose occupation is listed as “Loving You,” who has given $9,000 to the Obama campaign.

The maximum legal donation is $4600. The Federal Election Commission (FEC) says it has declined to take action because it is currently under-strength. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) has blocked consideration of President Bush’s nominees for FEC vacancies.

“Since we are so close to the end of the Bush Administration, it would be inappropriate for us to allow these lame-duck appointments,” Reid declared. “The FEC can take up these allegations after President Obama fills the vacancies next year.”

Anchor Calls Palin “Dangerously Uninformed”

CBS News anchor, Katie Couric characterized Republican vice-presidential nominee, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as “dangerously uninformed and naïve.”

“She doesn’t watch my show or any other major network news program,” Couric complained. “She doesn’t read the New York Times, Washington Post or any other respected daily newspaper. Her sources for news are something called the Mat-Su Valley Frontiersman, the local Wasilla TV station KTUU, and, get this, some blog called Free Republic. Do the American voters want someone this far outside of the mainstream to be a heartbeat from becoming president?”

Ohio Secretary of State Blocks Republican Poll Observers

Ohio’s Secretary of State Jennifer Brunner (D) has ordered poll workers taking in early absentee ballots to bar Republican observers from scrutinizing the procedure.

“I am a firm believer in a secret ballot,” Brunner said. “This can be better assured if there are no observers.”

Ohio Republicans filed a lawsuit in the Ohio Supreme Court challenging Brunner’s order. Former Ohio Attorney General Jim Petro characterized Brunner’s conception as “flawed beyond sensibility.” “The point of a secret ballot is to prevent government authorities spying on who the voter is voting for,” Petro said. “It doesn’t mean that the process of accepting ballots is to be concealed from view. To the contrary, having representatives from contending parties observing observe the process helps cut down on fraud.”

Brunner charged “The GOP is attempting to intimidate voters by raising questions of eligibility at the polls. It’s like their saying they can’t take a voter’s word for it that he is eligible. They imply that voters aren’t to be trusted. This is an insult and a threat to an inclusive electoral process.”

“Slacker” Icon Endorses Obama

It was revealed that Homer Simpson, noted slacker and goof-off on the hit TV show, The Simpsons, will be casting his vote for Obama on the episode that will air on November 2. “Obama cares about people like me,” Simpson says. “I haven’t been blessed with intelligence, a strong work-ethic, or sound moral judgment. But I have needs. An Obama Administration will make it easier for guys like me to get what we need.”

Guest Satire by Hal Semmens

Senator Biden Defends Gaffe as “Wishful Thinking”

When asked about his previous claim that, after the stock market crash in 1929, “President” Franklin Roosevelt appeared on TV to reassure the nation, Democratic vice-presidential nominee Senator Joe Biden admitted, “It was just wishful thinking on my part. The lack of TV was what caused the Great Depression in the first place. Remember the long national nightmare of the writers strike a few months back? It was awful. I had to go nine whole months without ‘Pushing Daisies.’ It sure got me depressed. If it weren’t for my ‘Gilmore Girls’ DVDs, I don’t know how I would have survived. Now imagine no one having any TV ever. That’s how you get a GREAT Depression.”

Senator Biden went on to assign blame for the lack of TV. “In 1929, President Roosevelt promised all of us ‘Two TVs in every living room.’ But thanks to Republican stonewalling, Al Gore wasn’t able to invent TV until 50 years later.”

John Semmens got his start writing about politics for his college newspaper. Since then, he has written more than 600 articles that have been published. In addition to "Semi-News," John's opinion pieces have appeared in many newspapers around the country--including the Wall Street Journal, Washington Times, and many others.