Among the documents required are original birth certificates, all school transcripts, complete health records, military service histories, any police reports, and a listing of all business and personal associates since the applicant’s 18^th birthday. Applicants are also being required to submit, under penalty of perjury, sworn affidavits either admitting to the commission of any illegal acts for which no police records exist or attesting that no illegal acts were ever committed.

“My administration will be the cleanest in the history of this country,” Obama proclaimed. “There must be no taint of illicit actions or associations to undermine the nation’s faith in me. I’m not saying people have to have been saints. But they must confess any mistakes they may have made to me or my designated agents before they can be considered. America can be assured that only the worthy and repentant will be appointed.”

McCain May Be Named “Ambassador to America”

Aides report that Obama is toying with the idea of naming defeated rival Senator John McCain (R-Ariz.) to the newly created post of “Ambassador to America.” The idea is said to have arisen from the Senator Obama’s “feelings of alienation from a large segment of the population.”

“If my administration is to be successful, I’ve got to be able to communicate with the bitter minority that opposed me,” Obama is reported to have said. “Who could be better suited to such a task than Senator McCain? He was able to persuade nearly 60 million of them to vote for him. Now maybe he can persuade them to support my efforts to change America.”

McCain is said to be open to the idea of becoming the first American to be appointed as an ambassador to his own country. “The classic definition of an ambassador is someone sent abroad to lie for his country,” McCain observed. “Being able to fulfill this traditional role without having to leave home would be a truly unique opportunity. I would’ve been just another white, male president. Now, I could be, like George Washington, the ‘father’ of a new American tradition in governance. It’s a dream come true.”

President-Elect Sees Need for “Auto Czar”

Indications that American auto manufacturers may seek a government bailout may provide an opening for an idea that  Obama says has been on his mind for some time: the appointment of a so-called “Auto Czar.” As the title implies, the position would hold broad authority over the automobile, how it is produced, and how it is used.

“American manufacturers have been building and our citizens buying the wrong kind of cars,” Obama declared. “On top of this, they’re being driven too often and too far. It’s pretty clear that left alone, the situation can only go from bad to worse. We need to take measures that will instill a new sense of discipline in this sector of our economy and society.”

As conceived, the new Auto Czar would be empowered to “curb the speculative construction of automobiles” by prohibiting a vehicle from being built before it has been approved and financed. “Right now, millions of vehicles are built so consumers can walk in and drive off with a new car,” complained Obama spokesperson, Carmen Lada. “This is speculative and wasteful.”

Under the regulations being drafted, those wanting to buy a car would submit an application to a newly established Automobile Administration (AA). The application would include information aimed at demonstrating the applicant’s need for and intended use of the requested vehicle. The AA would review the application and approve, deny, or revise it as deemed most appropriate for the applicant and society. If the application is approved as written or revised, instructions would be sent to the factory to produce the car.

“Not everyone who buys a car now really needs it,” Lada explained. “People who live in urban areas should be using public transit. Others are buying vehicles that are too large for their needs. These people must be directed to use down-sized cars. The resources saved by preventing needless consumption of automobiles will benefit the collective whole of society.”

Law Sought to Punish “Scalpers”

The idea that some recipients of tickets to the inauguration of Obama might prefer to sell them than to attend has riled Senator Barbara Feinstein (D-Calif.). Even though the nominally “free” tickets have not yet been distributed, offers to sell them have already popped up on “E-Bay” and “Craig’s List.”

“These tickets are given out to the people we want to attend,” Feinstein complained. “They’re intended as rewards for loyalty and hard-work on behalf of the Democratic Party. Resale of these tickets is disrespectful and represents the kind of capitalistic exploitation we need to stamp out in this country.”

Feinstein is seeking emergency legislation that would criminalize the resale of inauguration tickets as “misappropriation of government largess.” Violators—and enablers like web sites or newspapers—would face a hefty fine plus the possibility of jail time if the resale was “motivated by racism.”

Senator Says Right-Wing Radio Worse than Pornography

An opening salvo in the upcoming bid to silence talk radio criticism of left-wing government programs and officials was fired by Senator Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y.). Citing regulations that penalize lewd language, Schumer suggested that the “rude” language of commentators like Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity merited similar government oversight and control.

“The lewd language of pornography disrespects the body, but the rude language of Limbaugh, Hannity and their ilk disrespects the mind,” Schumer contended. “Limbaugh alone pollutes the thoughts of 20 million listeners a day. If the government can crackdown on the purveyors of pornographic filth it has to have the power to crackdown on the purveyors of ideological filth.”

The vehicle for the anticipated crackdown on ideological filth is the reimplementation of the so-called “Fairness Doctrine.” The Fairness Doctrine is the term given to government regulation of the content of TV and radio broadcasts that began in 1949. The regulation was suspended by the Federal Communications Commission in 1987 on the grounds that the original scarcity of frequencies argument for the regulation was no longer valid.

As Schumer sees it, “the FCC needs to monitor these broadcasts for ‘ideological decency.’ If there are perceived indecencies, the broadcasts will have to be banned or be accompanied by an ‘antidote’ of equal time for ideologically acceptable speech. The right-wing assault on decency cannot go on unchecked.”

Democrat Tries to Calm Fears of Socialism

In an effort to mollify those who fear that an Obama Administration’s “spread-the-wealth” philosophy will lead to socialism, Representative Steny Hoyer (D-Md.) dismissed the Communist Party USA’s assertions that Obama’s election will “usher in the dawn of a new era” and tried to assure Americans that they need not worry.

“People are getting worked up over nothing,” Hoyer said. “There’s a difference between campaign rhetoric and reality. It’s not possible to keep every promise. And it’s not as if Obama has a track record of getting things done. He hasn’t authored any significant legislation at the national or state level. So, I’d say it’s not likely that much of substance will happen while he’s president. Governmental sloth and inertia will continue to preserve our way of life.”

National Holiday Marking Obama’s Election Sought

An effort is afoot to have November 4 declared a national holiday. “A man from humble beginnings, born in a stable in Kenya, schooled in a madras in Indonesia, honed by the mean streets of Chicago, and has lifted himself and this nation to an ecstasy of hope for fundamental change, deserves the recognition of a national holiday in his honor,” said Reverend Ed Nauseam, chairman of the “Obama Holiday Committee.” “Only one other man has accomplished as much in so short a period of time and He has a national holiday every December 25. Justice demands as much for Obama.”

Democrats Ask Court to Overturn Vote on Gay Marriage

Forty-three California legislators filed a brief urging that the California Supreme Court void the voters’ approval of Proposition 8. “Some rights are so fundamental that they cannot be subject to vote or criticism,” the brief stated. “Proposition 8 only passed because people were freely permitted to criticize the lifestyle choices of others. This abuses freedom of speech. For this reason, the election outcome must be voided.”

Special guest satire by Hal Semmens:

President-elect Barack Obama arranged this week for former Presidential rival John McCain to be interned at Arlington Cemetery following his loss in this past election. He said the burial is to be held immediately. “The American people, guided by the infinite wisdom of the TV news media, made a choice last week; a choice for change. John McCain has done great service to this country but now we must both metaphorically and literally bury the old ways of the past as we commit Senator McCain’s body to the ground.”

When a spokesman for Senator McCain reminded Obama, “Uh, he’s not dead yet,” the President-elect replied, “There is no point in delaying the inevitable. You’ve heard the news reports. The geezer is something like a bazillion years old. There is no way a man of his decrepitude could possibly make any further political contribution to the country. It is time for this old soldier to fade away gracefully. In order to ensure a smooth transition to my new administration of change, I demand that he begin occupying his hallowed grave no later than my inauguration on January XX.”

Senator Obama later added, “Frankly, this infidel should be pleased with the honor I’m granting him of being buried at all. Truly, as punishment for his heresy of opposing me, he should have been stoned in the town square. We should have hung his carcass outside the city walls as a dreadful warning to all others who dare oppose my Divine Presidency!”