The seemingly miraculous rise of Barack Obama to the US presidency has inspired a widespread religious-like devotion. A recent Reuters survey gleaned some revealing insights into the thinking of many Americans.

“Look, he was born in a stable,” claimed Ivy Green, a respondent from Fresno, California. “And Kenya’s not that far from Bethlehem. Who else do we know of that started so low yet rose so high?”

“Jesus came to Jerusalem riding on an ass,” observed Mark Gulliver, a respondent from Ames, Iowa. “Well, the ass is the symbol of the Democratic Party. Since Barack rode the Democratic Party to Washington, I think this is a pretty clear message from God as to what Obama’s mission is.”

“There’s no way that his book—Dreams from My Father—was based on his supposed father Barack senior,” alleged Bobo Mentecato, a respondent from El Paso, Texas. “I mean, he divorced his son’s mother and had multiple wives. No, Barack was speaking about his ‘heavenly father,’ just like Jesus was.”

Expectations are running high that President Obama possesses extraordinary powers. “He will raise the economy from the dead with his stimulus plan,” Gulliver predicted. “Just like Jesus fed the multitudes with a few fish and loaves of bread, Barack will feed 300 million Americans with newly created money. He will spread the wealth around. No one will ever need to work again. It will be a miracle to behold.”

In related news, President-Elect Barack Obama blamed the current economic recession on greed and promised that new regulations he plans to implement will “usher in a new era of brotherhood and solidarity by mandating that investment and business decisions be focused on need as the new ‘prime directive.’ Profit must take a back seat to concern for one’s fellows. My administration will strive to make this happen.”

California Court Rules “Good Samaritans” Can Be Sued

The California Supreme Court ruled that Lisa Torti of Northridge may be held liable for injuries to a woman she pulled out of a vehicle following a Halloween night crash in 2004. Combined with previous rulings holding that individuals may be held liable for not helping in such situations, persons finding themselves at accident sites are faced with a legal dilemma.

If no assistance is rendered, the passerby may be sued for damages occurring from his neglect to intervene. If assistance is rendered, the intervener may be sued for any damages caused by the intervention.

The Court ruled that the state’s Samaritan immunity law applies only to “medical type” assistance, like CPR, application of bandages, or the charging of excessive fees or padded bills.

“Accident victims have already suffered,” wrote Judge Peter Pettifogger for the Court. “Some means of compensation to try to balance the scales is our social responsibility. Those whom chance has thrown into the mix must be our first line of defense. If such persons have the means it is our duty to appropriate them.”

Pettifogger advised those unwilling to face responsibility for damages to “flee the scene before they are recognized or can be identified. Society has trained professionals for these situations. We must be confident that sooner or later, these trained professionals will arrive to take the appropriate action.”

BLM Sued

Environmentalists are suing the Bureau of Land Management in District Court in Missoula, Montana. The suit asks that BLM be prohibited from issuing any more oil and gas drilling permits. The move is said to be “phase 1” of a multi-phased process aimed at preventing the production of any more fossil fuels.

“Everyone knows that the burning of fossil fuels is what’s behind global warming,” said Jim Jensen, executive director of the Montana Environmental Information Center. “If we can stop these fuels from being produced we will go a long way toward saving the planet.”

The suit argues that the BLM must ensure that no environmental harm can result from its grant of permission to explore for oil and gas on federal lands. Since this is impossible, all further drilling would be blocked.

“If the court accepts our argument regarding federal lands, we can extend the same logic to all locations where oil and gas are taken out of the ground,” Jensen reasoned. “Keeping these dangerous substances in the ground is the safest course of action if we want the planet to survive.”

Jensen suggested that in the future, “vehicles could be solar or wind powered. Or people could use public transportation, or simply travel less. You know, it’s only been a few generations since most people lived their entire lives within 20 miles of where they were born. Were those times really so bad?”

In related news, Steven Chu, Obama’s nominee for Energy Secretary, endorsed a 300% increase in the price of gasoline, calling it a “minimum goal if we’re serious about fundamental change in the way Americans live.”

New York Governor Dismisses Criticism of Proposed Tax Hikes

New York’s Governor David Paterson dismissed criticism of his proposed deficit-closing $4,000/household tax-hike package as “socially unacceptable.”

“First, let me point out that only those who still have money will be affected,” Paterson said. “Those who’ve already been thrown into the streets will, naturally be exempt from this tax increase.”

“Second, the absence of widespread protests against the outrageously insensitive portrayal of me on Saturday Night Live is evidence of a callous indifference marking my fellow New Yorkers as worthy of a sharp rebuke,” Paterson alleged. “A tax hike during these otherwise hard economic times is, in my mind, a fitting rebuke.”

“Finally, the option of cutting government expenditures is out of the question,” Paterson continued. “In perilous times, the most vital element of society must be kept at full strength. Just as the injured human body gives first priority for scarce resources to the brain, the community must give first priority to its brain: the government.”

In support of his position, Paterson pointed out that federal government employees’ compensation is double that of private sector employees. Looking at wages plus benefits, federal workers earned an average $116,450 in 2007 compared to a private sector average of $57,615. “Until we have achieved at least as good a ratio for New York’s public employees, I will resist any and all efforts to trim the state’s budget,” Paterson declared.

President Weighing Bailout of Russia

Fresh from his recent unilateral bailout of the US automobile industry, President Bush is now reported to be considering bailing out Russia. According to the World Bank, falling oil prices are putting great stress on Russia’s economy. This is endangering the nation’s vast stockpile of international reserves and its ability to supply top quality weapons to Iran, Venezuela, and other customers.

“They tell me that the Federal Reserve can just create money out of thin air,” Bush is said to have told advisors. “This is awesome. If I’d only known this earlier I could’ve done a lot of cool stuff.”

Bush expressed concern that his bailout of the auto industry might be thwarted by the collapse of the Russian economy. “Cars need gasoline,” Bush observed. “Gasoline comes from oil. Russia is a major oil producer. If Russia goes down, how will we get enough gasoline for the cars we’ll be manufacturing? Besides, Putin’s a good guy. I can’t let him down in his hour of need.”

To offset the higher oil prices needed to salvage the Russian economy, Bush is expected to ask the Federal Reserve Bank to make a deposit of $1 million in everyone’s bank account. “This’ll give everyone the means to afford Russian gasoline and a lot of other things,” Bush contended. “Every American a millionaire—it’s a legacy that will make my presidency historic.”

Defiant Blagojevich Vows to Fight on

Accused Gov. Rod Blagojevich (D-Ill.) refused demands that he step down and vowed to fight on until “every effing bastard who’s ever crossed me is dragged down into the mud with me.”

“If a person with as few accomplishments as Barack Obama can be president, who’s to say I shouldn’t be governor,” Blagojevich demanded to know. “The effing people of this state elected me. As I see it, I own this job until they effing unelect me. Obama knows how it’s done in this state. If he won’t call the dogs off, he may get bit himself.”

Zimbabwe Dictator Says “Country Is Mine Forever”

President Robert Mugabe declared that “Zimbabwe is mine” and vowed never to give it up. To bolster his claim, the 84-year old dictator revealed that the terms of his will decree that the entire country is to be interred with him in the event he should die.