To head off what he called “unnecessary, intrusive, and wasteful meddling in trivial affairs,” President-Elect Barack Obama divulged that he and his staff have already conducted “the most intense self-scrutiny ever attempted by any human being in the history of mankind” into all the “facts” surrounding any “alleged contacts between anyone I’ve ever known and accused Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich (D).”

“Not since the Nuremberg Trials has any matter been more thoroughly probed,” Obama contended. “I can assure the people of America that neither I nor any member of my staff has had inappropriate contact with Governor Blagojevich on any matter. Consequently, there is no need for anyone else to trouble themselves with further attention to this issue.”

Obama’s take on the matter was confirmed by ABC News’ George Stephanopoulos. “This is good enough for me,” Stephanopoulos concluded. “I see no point in getting bogged down in extraneous controversy on the brink of this most historic moment in American history. We elected Obama to help bring unity, not controversy. It is the media’s duty to avoid getting diverted from this central goal of his administration by such a minor issue. If we can’t take the President’s word for it now, I shudder to think what we’ll be doing when more important issues arise.”

VP Biden to Head Task Force on Middle Class

Vice President-elect Joe Biden has been named to head a task force charged with finding out what happened to the middle class.

“This issue is of the utmost importance because of our heartfelt dedication to improving the quality of life for this mysterious and, it seems, elusive group,” Biden explained. “We promised that we’d help this class of society. If we’re to do this, though, we’ve got to have a grasp of who we’re talking about.”

Biden said the task force is needed because “neither Barack nor I have any direct experience on this topic. Neither of us is a member of this class of people. We’re not sure we’d recognize a member of the middle class if we bumped into one. All the people we meet seem to be either rich or their representatives. Are lobbyists middle class? Or are they lackeys for the upper class? These and other questions are what the task force will handle.”

“Until solid evidence of a middle class can be rounded up, there can’t be any tax cuts,” Biden opined. “Right now, pretty much everyone we know seems to be rich. These are the guys we said we’re going to tax more. So, I think you can see our dilemma.”

Kenyan Branch of Obama’s Family Ordered Silent

President-Elect Barack Obama’s relatives in Kenya have been silenced by government order.

“Though we are quite proud of the ascendance of our ‘native son’ to the presidency of the United States, we are, at the request of President Obama, requiring that the members of his family residing in Kenya desist from any further comments regarding the personal matter of his birth,” said government spokesman Fabul Attesto. “There are, we understand, technical issues that militate against an open attribution of the origins of this great man.”

Attesto promised that “a more robust telling of the Obama legend will be forthcoming at the appropriate time.”

Chinese Government Blocks Internet Access to New York Times

Computer users in China found themselves unable to log onto the New York Times web site this week. The site has been blocked by the Chinese Communist government for “politically unacceptable content.”

“While we are hesitant to take such action against a publication that has been of inestimable assistance to the Chinese People’s Republic, we are ashamed to say that the editorial content has become dangerous,” said Dung Chiao Mein, Minister of Electronic Communications for the Chinese government.

The “dangerous content” is purported to be the paper’s “rabid animus against commerce.” “The Times has become depressingly and appallingly ‘left wing’ in its antipathy to the market in America,” Dung explained. “While this is all well and good for stirring up revolutionary turmoil in the United States, we don’t need these attitudes spread around in China. The Chinese government is striving to stimulate the commerce and investment that will enable us to dominate global trade. At this point, the Times’ rants against capitalism are counterproductive in our country.”

California AG Refuses to Defend State in Lawsuit against Prop 8

In an unprecedented move, California Attorney General Jerry Brown, has declared that he will not fulfill his statutory obligation to defend all the laws of the state. The issue prompting this dereliction of duty is, of course, the recently voter-passed constitutional amendment declaring that only a union of a man and woman shall be recognized as a marriage under state law.

“It came down to a choice between doing what the law requires and what I personally think is right,” Brown announced. “While the case could be made that defending the laws of the state—whether enacted by the legislature or, as in the case of Prop 8, by the voters themselves—is, in fact, the job I was elected to do as Attorney General, I must reject this case if it conflicts with my own beliefs.”

The AG warned that his example “must not be taken as a rationale for ordinary citizens to pick-and-choose which laws they are going to obey. Public officials have powers and privileges that cannot be entrusted to those outside the government. Only those who have been elected to high office can be permitted to decide which laws are worthy of full enforcement and which not.”

“The voters choose the wisest among them to govern,” Brown continued. “As one of those chosen, I would be foolish to place the mere majority opinion on Prop 8 above the wisdom voters acknowledged I possessed when they elected me.”

Pricey “Obama” Handbag to Hit Market

Timmy Woods, whose women’s handbags have been featured in the “Sex and the City” TV series and movie is now marketing an “Obama bag.” The O-shaped bag resembles the Obama campaign logo and is studded with red, white and blue crystals on a beaded strap. The handbag will be available for $5,000 starting January 20^th.

Woods touted the bag as “an aid to Obama’s economic stimulus package.” “A woman who buys this stylish handbag will be pumping spending into the nation’s economy in a totally environmentally friendly way,” Woods advertised. “Once she has it she will want to show it off. This will encourage her to use public transportation. That means less individual driving, less greenhouse gases, and a healthier planet.”

“May I also point out that the $5,000 invested in one of my bags won’t be spent on fueling an SUV or other similar wasteful and destructive expenditure,” Woods argued.

A “budget,” vinyl version of the Obama bag is available for the “lower classes” at a price of only $375.

Obama Vacation Touted as Example for Others

President-Elect Barack Obama held out his Hawaiian vacation as “an example of what the average person can do to try to help the US economy get back on the road to prosperity.” “I know the temptation is to try to cut back on expenditures in times of economic uncertainty,” Obama said. “But this is exactly the wrong thing to do. Maintaining a high level of spending is what we need to pull the nation out of recession.”

While the specific amount Obama is spending on his vacation was not disclosed, he is renting a $9 million mansion for the duration of his stay. Obama defended this seeming extravagance by citing savings elsewhere on the trip. “For one, we’re eating Spam three times a day,” Obama admitted. “So, we’re kind of balancing out the different elements of the budget. I know it’s not the same choice others might make, but it works for us.”

NAACP Wants More Minorities on TV

Pointing out that “the president is, after all, a Black man, we deem it appropriate for the media to adjust the composition of its workforce.” Failure to do so would reputedly force the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) to boycott the networks.

NAACP President and CEO Benjamin Todd Jealous said, “At a time when the country is excited about the election of the first African-American president in U.S. history, it is unthinkable that minorities would be so grossly under-represented on broadcast television.”

Jealous suggested that the networks’ ratio of Blacks to other racial groups “ought to resemble the ratios achieved by the National Basketball Association.” “The NBA has long been a leader in pointing the way toward social justice,” Jealous insisted. “If they can attain ratios of nearly 90 percent Black men in the starting lineups for games, why can’t NBC, ABC, CBS, and the rest do as much for other TV shows?”