A bevy of Democratic governors made a desperate plea to incoming president Barack Obama for a bailout of their states. A statement joined in by New York’s Governor David Paterson, New Jersey’s Governor Jon Corzine, Massachusetts’ Governor Deval Patrick, Ohio’s Governor Ted Strickland and Wisconsin’s Governor Jim Doyle threatened “dire consequences” if the federal government doesn’t come through with financial aid.

“There are states that are talking of not being able to meet their financial obligations in the coming months,” Paterson said. “We have payrolls to meet. People are dependant upon the money we hand out.”

Paterson discounted the strategy of cutting costs by requesting employees to take unpaid leave. “Who’ll notice the difference if these jobs don’t get done?” he asked. “No one can explain why most of these people are on the payrolls. If we test the necessity, how can we justify taking them back when we have more money? It would be best that we not be forced to discover the truth.”

“We are not crying wolf, this is one of the worst situations our states have faced,” Strickland said. “Those who say we should cut the ‘fat’ out of our budgets don’t appreciate the role ‘fat’ plays in sustaining normal operations. We’re hoping we can rely on the Obama Administration to make sure we never have to find out.”

Corzine estimated that “$1 trillion in federal aid to our states is essential if we hope to be reelected.”

In related news, Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY) demanded that the federal government pay $9 billion to the NY City Government as part of the economic stimulus package. “New York is the icon city of America,” Schumer contended. “Its existence benefits every American. It is only fair that every American be required to help pay to support its city government.

Left-Wing Loons Speak Out on Israeli Retaliation against Hamas

Former TV personality Roseanne Barr condemned the Israeli government, calling them “worse than Nazis,” for retaliating against the Hamas terrorist organization for its attacks on Israeli civilians. “The world had sympathy for the Jews when they meekly submitted to Hitler’s exterminators,” Barr observed. “Resources were conserved. Clothes, shoes, even hair and gold teeth all were recycled. But these Israelis are just blowing their enemies to bits. It’s wasteful and environmentally unfriendly.”

Representative Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio) labeled Israel’s bombing of Hamas fighters and weapons caches “a disproportionate response—just like the US response against the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor. The Israeli government has aped the aggressive warmongering style of our government by using superior weapons and firepower to destroy an enemy when a more measured ‘tit-for-tat’ would’ve been more appropriate.”

Meanwhile, President-Elect Barack Obama announced through surrogate, David Axelrod, that he “is closely monitoring the situation.” “As I understand it, ‘aggressive monitoring’ will be the backbone of an Obama Administration’s policy,” Axelrod said on CBS’ Face the Nation. “While Bush blundered and bombed, Obama will watch and wait. A lot of times, problems will just go away, or at least be forgotten, if left alone. The key is to hope for the best. This will be the crucial change Obama brings to America’s dealings with crises.”

Democrats Vow Blago Appointee Won’t Be Seated in Senate

Senate Democratic leaders warned Roland Burris, the person Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich named to fill the senate seat vacated by President-elect Barack Obama, that “he will rue the day if he tries to set foot on the senate floor.”

“He’s out of his fricking mind if he thinks a ticket punched by a corrupt governor will get him in here,” said an incensed Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev). “I’ve instructed the doorkeepers to use whatever force is required to block him from coming in. If need be, the Capitol Police will kick his ass if that’s what it takes to get it through his thick skull that his kind isn’t wanted here.”

Reid speculated that the only thing that might change his mind would be “if Burris were to bring a large quantity of cash with him to purchase a ticket at the door.”

Connecticut Lawmaker Urges Government to Bailout Newspaper

Connecticut State Representative Frank Nicastro (D-Bristol) warned that without a government bailout, his town’s newspaper, The Bristol Press, may be forced into bankruptcy.

“Newspapers are a vitally important part of America,” Nicastro asserted. “Too important to be allowed to fail just because they can’t get enough readers or advertisers to support their publication.”

Nicastro argued that a government bailout could be a “win-win” proposition. “There’s a saying that ‘he who pays the piper calls the tune,’” he said. “The government’s relationship with the press could be greatly improved if the legislature provides the funding to keep the paper afloat.”

The Bristol Press isn’t the only paper facing economic difficulties. Electronic media have made inroads on print media readership across the nation. This, though, presents unforeseen problems according to Nicastro.

“It may be more cost-effective for people to get their news from surfing the web, but can they housebreak their dog, kindle a fire, or swat a fly as effectively as they can with a newspaper?” Nicastro argued. “A printed newspaper has multifaceted uses that aren’t fully apprehended. It is the government’s job to override the market’s shortsightedness and ensure that a proud tradition isn’t cast aside just because it costs too much.”

Caroline Kennedy Makes Case for Senate Opening

Caroline Kennedy, daughter of former president John Kennedy claims that her family’s experience and sacrifice makes her the best qualified candidate to fill the New York senate seat that will be vacated when Senator Hillary Clinton (D) leaves to become Secretary of State in the Obama Administration.

“My father fought in World War II and was assassinated while president,” Kennedy pointed out. “My uncle Bobby was shot to death while on the verge of becoming president. My uncle Ted narrowly escaped drowning while trying to rescue a young woman, sacrificing his presidential aspirations in the process. The Kennedy family has given so much to this country that the least the American people can do for me is to award me one measly senate seat.”

Obama Complains About Lack of Privacy

President-Elect Barack Obama says his patience with the media is “running thin.”

“Everywhere I go, they’re there,” Obama complained. “I’m barraged with questions. My every movement is photographed and analyzed. I can’t seem to get a moment’s peace.”

Obama says he isn’t buying the argument that this is par-for-the-course if you’re President of the United States. “I didn’t mind it so much during the campaign,” Obama admitted. “I needed the exposure then. But enough’s enough. From now on, information will be given out on a need-to-know basis. If I think there’s something that some people need to know I’ll issue a statement. Otherwise, please leave me alone.”

BART Unveils “Zero Tolerance” Policy for Suspected Fare Evaders

Financial pressures have inspired the Bay Area Rapid Transit (BART) authorities to implement a get tough “zero tolerance” policy for suspected fare evaders. The first person to face the consequences was a young man who was shot to death by a BART officer on the platform of the Fruitvale Station.

“When we see a person trying to enter without paying, we accost them on the spot,” explained a BART spokesman “off-the-record.” “If they won’t voluntarily pay a fare and fine, we physically remove their wallet from their pocket or purse. If they resist, well, we exert the necessary force. In this case, we had to discharge our weapons. Unpleasant consequences were the result.”

In accordance with the new tougher policy, none of the names of the participants are allowed to de disclosed. The body of the “perp” was sent to the city’s incinerator. “There won’t be any heroes or martyrs,” the BART spokesman explained. “There is just a simple message: obey the rules.”

Man Apprehended in Family’s Attic Says He Was Implementing Obama’s “Spread-the-Wealth” Plan

Stanley Carter, a 21-year-old man discovered hiding in a Pennsylvania family’s attic, said he’s not a criminal, but was only trying to implement President-Elect Barack Obama’s “spread-the-wealth” policy.

Carter had apparently been living in the attic for more than a week, sneaking downstairs at night to raid the refrigerator and use the bathroom. He only was caught after cash and an iPod went missing.

“These people have more than they need,” Carter asserted. “Why shouldn’t they share it with me?”

Obama is reported to be “monitoring” the situation.