Although he once labeled Iran a tiny country posing little threat to the United States, President-Elect Barack Obama pointed out that he also said Iran was a genuine threat. This cautious policy straddle during the campaign is now reflected in his announced strategy for how his administration will deal with that country.

“We should be willing to initiate diplomacy as a mechanism to achieve our national security goals, and my national security team, I think, is reflective of that practical, pragmatic approach to foreign policy,” Obama said. “I faced bullies in high school. I found then that if I gave them my lunch money and agreed to perform other services they left me alone. I see no reason why a similar compromise can’t be reached between us and Iran.”

In related news, it has been disclosed that Barack’s 71-year-old mother-in-law, Marian Robinson, will be residing with him and his family in the White House. “I’m going to keep an eye on him and try to make sure he doesn’t go smoking crack or hang out with hoodlums like he did in Chicago,” Robinson declared. “After all, he is president now and a lot more people will be out to make him look bad and bring him down.”

Congressman Defends Bogus Fuel-Cell Trip

Representative Eric Massa (D-N.Y.) purported to have driven to Washington for the opening session of congress in a GM electric fuel-cell powered Equinox.

“Taking this GM electric fuel-cell car to Washington reflects all that I will stand for as your Representative,” Massa boasted.

Massa’s boast wasn’t true to the facts, though. The 282-mile distance between the congressman’s district and Washington exceeds the 200-mile range of the car and there are no refueling locations along the way. The trip was managed by abandoning the first car in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania and continuing in a second identical car. Both fuel-cell cars ultimately had to be towed back to their points of origin.

The congressman defended the fakery by emphasizing the importance of a “greater truth.” “The issue isn’t whether I did or could’ve made the trip as advertised, but whether we, as a society, should make the trip toward a greener future,” Massa explained. “How could I hope to convince the American people of the necessity of converting to green energy if the impracticality of the journey were exposed for all to see? Sometimes we must edit perceived reality on order to promote a greater truth.”

NY Gov Leaning Toward Appointing Kennedy to Open Senate Seat

Governor David Paterson (D-N.Y.) says he’s leaning toward appointing Caroline Kennedy to the senate seat being vacated by Hillary Clinton’s ascension to the job of Secretary of State in the Obama Administration.

“She does not have much legislative experience, which is a minus.” Paterson admitted. “But she has the Kennedy name and pedigree, not to mention the millions in personal wealth that can ensure her reelection.”

“We shouldn’t underestimate these assets,” Paterson continued. “When it comes to elections, the Kennedy name is golden. Consider the case of her uncle Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Mass). Here’s a bloated sot who left a young woman to drown in an ill-fated tryst 40 years ago. Yet, he is invincible come election day.”

“Besides, experience is over rated,” Paterson concluded. “Obama has practically no significant experience. Still, he easily defeated a war hero with decades of senatorial tenure. I’m thinking that getting Ms. Kennedy into this seat will secure it for the Democratic Party for a generation.”

CNN Explains Inclusion of Sarah Palin in List of 2008’s Disgraced Politicians

In a further bid to smear the defeated GOP vice-presidential candidate, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, the Cable News Network (CNN) included her name in a list with seven others: Governor Rod Blagojevich (D-Illinois: charged with attempting to sell a senate seat), former senator John Edwards (D-N.C.: caught cheating on terminally ill wife), Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick (D-Detroit: in jail for obstruction of justice), Mayor Larry Langford (D-Birmingham: arrested for bribery, fraud and money laundering), Representative Tim Maloney (D-Fla: multiple extramarital affairs), Governor Elliot Spitzer (D-NY: consorting with prostitutes), Senator Ted Stevens (R-Alaska: convicted on bribery charges).

While there can be little debate that these seven individuals are a disgrace—abusing the trust of their office and/or lying to spouses and voters—and several seem likely to spend time in jail, why was Palin linked with such rogues?

CNN spokesperson Bea Smurch explained that “Ms. Palin endeavored to prevent the election of Barack Obama as president of the United States. While not illegal or dishonest, per se, the consequences if she had succeeded would’ve been catastrophic for the nation. In comparison, the missteps of the seven others were all relatively petty crimes. So, in my book she tops the list.”

In related news, TV journalist Travis Smiley of PBS chastised Senator Harry Reid (D-Nev) for his “I don’t work for Obama” comment. “I’ve got news for Mr. Reid,” Smiley intoned. “Obama was elected president of the United States. He is everybody’s boss for the next four years. All of us are obliged to follow his orders and work to ensure that he is perceived in the best light possible.”

Japanese National Health Care Seen as Model for Obamacare

President-Elect Barack Obama’s nominee for Secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services, Tom Daschle is reportedly eying Japan as a possible model for a US national health care system.

“I don’t blame people for being queasy about the national health care systems in Canada or the UK,” Daschle said. “There have been enough horror stories about inadequate facilities, long waits, and indifferent medical personnel. But Japan has a sterling reputation for quality and efficiency. Look what they’ve done to our auto industry.”

The key, according to Daschle, is Japan’s devotion to preventive care. “If all we do is insure everyone while we allow them to get fat and out-of-shape we’ll never keep a lid on costs,” Daschle pointed out. “We’ve got to be proactive if we want to avoid high costs later.”

Under the Japanese system, everyone older than 40 is subject to regular inspection by government health care workers. Those deemed too fat or out of shape are sent to mandatory diet counseling. If this is insufficient to get them into compliance with government standards, their city government is assessed a fine.

“If people know they will be held accountable they are more likely to adopt healthier habits,” Daschle argued. “Penalties doled out to the community will help bring social pressure into play. Neighbor looking after neighbor will strengthen the collective bonds of society. It’s a win-win situation.”

Crucifixions for Christians Is New Gaza Law

In a bid to broaden its support among fellow Muslims, the Hamas government of Gaza enacted a toughening of Sharia law that includes a penalty of crucifixion for Christians who violate certain of its provisions. While many squeamish westerners consider the amputations and beheadings prescribed by Muslim law to be barbaric, Hamas sees them as the “fulfillment of Allah’s command.”

“If a Muslim must face harsh punishment for his sins, then it is only fitting that unbelievers be more severely dealt with,” explained Hamas spokesman Assir Kamilwad. “So, Christians committing acts deemed detrimental to Palestinian interests will be nailed to crosses.”

Kamilwad mocked those appalled by this ancient method of execution. “How could any Christian object to sharing the same fate as his beloved Jesus?”

In related news, Dr. Kamal El-Helbawy of the BBC-owned Arabic TV Channel defended Hamas’ targeting of Israeli women and children. “While they may be non-combatants now, they are still a threat to Islam,” El-Helbawy insisted. “The women will breed more Jews who will grow up to be soldiers. By killing them before this happens we are saving Muslim lives in the future.” El-Helbawy suggested that this is certainly “no worse than the abortions performed in the West for much more frivolous reasons.”

Porn Industry to Seek Bailout Money

Girls Gone Wild CEO Joe Francis and Hustler magazine publisher Larry Flynt say they have sent letters to Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson and Representative Henry Waxman (D-Calif.) asking for $5 billion.

“People don’t understand the importance of our industry in these hard economic times,” Francis said. “Men who’ve lost their jobs will have time on their hands. We can help occupy that time. Instead of roaming the streets looking for trouble, they can be safely diverted. Besides, Larry has some confidential information that many in Congress might find especially persuasive.”