John Semmens18

JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News

France Claims Cultural Victory

October 20, 2005

France claimed a significant victory last night in its relentless battle against the march of American culture. Supported notably by Canada, France was the driving force behind a "cultural diversity" convention agreed to by 148 of the 154 countries which took part in the vote at the Paris general conference of the United Nations arts and culture agency, Unesco.

For the French establishment, indignant at failures to resist invasion of "Anglo-Saxon," the decision to retain the phrase "French fries" amounts to a "manifesto for an alternative globalization."

The left-of-centre French daily Le Monde gloated that "In every fast food restaurant customers will continue to consume FRENCH FRIES. The threat of so-called 'freedom fries' has been beaten back."

Oblivious to this great victory for France, American U.N. ambassador John Bolton questioned its significance. "While this may be the greatest French international achievement since Napoleon," said Bolton, "it would appear to
be marred by the failure to use the genuine French term which, I believe, would be 'pommes frites.'"

Murder Verdict Overturned by Connecticut Supreme Court

A divided state Supreme Court overturned the murder conviction of a man who admitted beating a woman to death in 2000, saying police needed consent from both his parents before searching his home and finding his bloodstained clothes.

The court also said Nicholas Brunetti's confession should be inadmissible because he signed it only after police told him they had found his bloodstained shirt in his parents' washing machine.

None of the justices disputed the fact that Brunetti, who was 19 at the time, beat the woman to death.

Brunetti lived at home with his parents. When West Haven detectives asked their permission to search their house, his father agreed and signed the consent but his mother did not.

Justice Christine S. Vertefeuille, writing for the majority, wrote that, "The Constitution requires that police give the accused every opportunity to escape punishment. Brunetti's stupidity in failing to properly dispose of incriminating evidence and then foolishly signing a confession should not be permitted to allow justice to prevail."

Brunetti's lawyer said, "He's very thankful about the outcome. Now he can go back to smoking weed and collecting unemployment like he did before this unfortunate series of events unfolded."

Police Arrest Mentally Ill Man Posing As Doctor

Police arrested a mentally disturbed man who posed as a doctor at Sheba Medical Center, Tel Hashomer, Israel.

The impostor had already conducted more than a dozen pelvic examinations in the gynecology ward before he was recognized.

"I thought he looked familiar," said Rachel Ishmael. "When he asked me if I would feel more comfortable if he took his pants off, I got suspicious and called for the nurse."

The man, later identified as former U.S. President Bill Clinton, claimed to be working on a special assignment from President Bush. "My job was to find Katrina and give her relief," said Clinton.

President Bush denied knowing anything about Clinton's venture into an Israeli hospital. "I asked Bill and my Dad to help raise funds to relieve the victims of hurricane Katrina," said Bush. "I guess my request wasn't specific enough. Bill has a way of finding wiggle room in any collection of words."

Senator Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) denied her husband's latest escapade would have a negative impact on her future election prospects. "The American people know what Bill's playful nature has put me through in the past," said
Hillary. "I expect to get even more sympathy votes now."

Sheehan to Tie Herself to White House Fence

Cindy Sheehan, the military mother who made her son's death in Iraq a rallying point for the anti-war movement, plans to tie herself to the White House fence to protest the milestone of 2,000 U.S. military deaths in Iraq.

"I'm going to go to Washington, D.C. and I'm going to give a speech at the White House, and after I do, I'm going to tie myself to the fence and refuse to leave until they agree to bring our troops home," Sheehan said in a telephone interview.

Numerous veterans have come forward to offer assistance. Bud Weiser, a participant in Operation Desert Storm, said he will bring chains. "Ropes may not be strong enough," said Weiser. "I have heavy duty, titanium-alloy chains and bullet-proof locks that I think will do a much better job securing Ms. Sheehan to her post."

Armand Danjuris, a recent returnee from Iraq, says he will guard against anyone releasing Sheehan before the completion of her stated mission. "Anyone trying to cut her chains, for any reason, will have to get by me irst," said Danjuris.

Sheehan expressed her gratitude for this unexpected help, but said it may be in vain. "I'll probably get arrested, and when I get out, I'll go back and do the same thing," she said.

President Bush has stated that there are no plans to arrest Sheehan. "We're in this war for the long haul," said Bush. "I think it will be years, maybe decades, before the enemies of America will be convinced to give up their evil plans. I wish Ms. Sheehan luck in sticking it out for the duration."

Soldiers Destroy Bombs Before They Go Off

U.S. troops found and destroyed four bombs before they could detonate and harm Iraqi civilians or Iraqi and U.S. military forces during combat operations Oct. 22.

The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) condemned the actions as preemptive suppression of Iraqi freedom of expression. ACLU spokesman, Bertram Petty asserted that "Detonating explosives is a traditional means of expression for Islamic Jihadis. Preventing these detonations amounts to 'prior restraint,' something we at the ACLU find very disturbing."

Petty said the ACLU is considering filing suit against the Bush Administration unless it immediately supplied the insurgents with replacement explosives and a minimum 48-hour "window of opportunity" to set them off.

"Next to pornography, violence is our most precious form of freedom of expression," said Petty. "If we hope to build democracy in Iraq, complete freedom of expression must be a fundamental building block."

Kerry Invites 20,000 Veterans to His Home for the Holidays

In a move many see as an effort to diffuse criticism in preparation for another presidential run, Senator John Kerry (D-Mass.) has invited 20,000 veterans to his home for Christmas.

"I know I slandered our troops with my imaginative tales of Viet Nam atrocities, but I'm trying to bury the hatchet," said Kerry. "I can't win in 2008 unless I can defuse the anger of Viet vets. I figured if I could get some photos of me sharing comestibles with an assemblage of men gathered around a TV watching an athletic contest of some sort, I could placate my critics."

Kerry waved aside predictions from skeptics that such a transparent ploy wouldn't amount to anything. "If my career in Massachusetts politics has taught me anything, it's that gestures are what's important," said Kerry. "Gestures have been what's inspired Massachusetts voters to keep reelecting me."

Chad Dimple, butler at Kerry's Massachusetts estate, says he is not worried about inviting 20,000 to the residence. "We only expect five or six to show," said Dimple. "There's only so much one can do with an offer of free food and drink."

Iran President Says: Wipe Israel off Map

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has openly called for Israel to be wiped off the map.

"The establishment of the Zionist regime was a move by the world oppressor against the Islamic world," the president told a conference in Tehran on Wednesday. "Israel must be wiped off the map."

His comments were the first time in years that such a high-ranking Iranian official has called for Israel's eradication, even though such slogans are still regularly used at government rallies.

The Bush Administration discounted the Iranian's remarks. "These maps are printed in indelible ink," said Scott McClelland, speaking for the administration. "Israel cannot be 'wiped off' these maps. The joke is on Iran, they'd have to have an entirely new print run and the U.S. government will pay only half the cost."

John Semmens got his start writing about politics for his college newspaper. Since then, he has written more than 400 articles that have been published. In addition to "Semi-News," John writes a recurring column for the East Valley Tribune.

John Semmens' Semi-News Archives: