“The time for debating policies is over,” Ferber contended. “Obama was the winner in the election. In four years there will be another election for president. Until then, it is every American’s duty to support his program. Criticism just undermines the president’s ability to succeed.”

Ferber rejected comparisons with the endless stream of criticism that members of the “right-wing” say undermined President Bush’s ability to lead during his administration. “Bush clearly took this country down the wrong path,” Ferber said. “Criticism was necessary in order to prevent greater harm. We supported students’ right to speak up for their future in those perilous times. But times have changed. The new president must be given a fair chance to implement his agenda without the carping of naysayers.”

The “dangerous” literature that the students had planned to distribute during lunch included a booklet of facts about the U.S. Constitution; stickers with the words “You’ll be disappointed” and “Not Change,” and a flyer titled “Don’t be fooled by rhetoric.”

In a separate incident, President Obama confirmed the new reality by pointing out to Senate Republican critics of his stimulus package that—”I won. The people are behind me. For the next four years I will be calling the shots. If you want a ‘piece of the pie’ you’ll have to go along. There’ll be enough to share with those who are team players.”

President Orders Gitmo Prisoners “Redeployed”

In one of his first acts as president, Barack Obama fulfilled his campaign promise to close down Gitmo—the prison for the war-on-terror’s illegal enemy combatants at the Guantánamo Bay Naval Base in Cuba.

In his executive order, President Obama declared that “these victims of the Bush Administration have suffered enough. We’ve got to bring an end to the cycle of hostility and reprisals. These men were enemies to a regime that no longer exists. I am offering an olive branch of peace in the hope that it will bring about a change in feelings and attitudes between our country and those we have offended over the last eight years.”

“The disposition of the prisoners will vary on a case-by-case basis,” the order read. “In situations where there is sufficient evidence of a crime committed in the United States, individuals will be brought to trial in U.S. courts. Individuals whose only action was to wage war on the American forces occupying Afghanistan and Iraq will be released as a gesture of good will and a sign that we will ‘turn the other cheek’ if that is what it takes to defuse the cycle of violence.”

In a move seen to be “pay back” to a key Democratic constituency, all of the prisoners were granted standing in U.S. courts for the purpose of suing the government and selected individuals of the former Bush Administration for damages, including pain and suffering. The American Trial Lawyers Association has prepared a contact list of attorneys ready and willing to assist “any aggrieved party.”

Caroline Kennedy withdraws Senate Bid

Citing what she called “sexist double standards,” Caroline Kennedy asked that her name be withdrawn from contention for the New York senate seat vacated by Senator Hillary Clinton’s ascension to the Secretary of State post in the Obama Administration.

The alleged double standard apparently refers to the buzz over Ms. Kennedy’s affair with New York Times publisher, Arthur Ochs Sulzberger, Jr. (also known as Pinch). Sulzberger is divorcing his wife, Gail Gregg.

“Senators and even presidents have been implicated in extramarital affairs without it harming their careers in public service,” Kennedy observed. “For God’s sake, my father banged Russian spies, Mafia molls, and even Marilyn Monroe. That didn’t keep him from being a great president. But apparently, I can’t be a senator because of my relationship with Pinch. It’s so not fair.”

Ms. Kennedy is expected to be named ambassador-at-large for Obama, a position that will enable her to use all of her skills and come and go as she pleases without the kind of scrutiny paid to recumbent senators.

Gore to Ask Congress to Abolish Climate Change

Former US vice president and Nobel prize winner Al Gore says he is “jazzed” about Democratic gains in the November elections and thinks the time is “ripe” for him to take his case to congress.

“My plea for the government to outlaw climate change has fallen on largely deaf ears,” Gore complained. “Even sympathetic members of congress were ‘bummed’ by the fear that Bush would veto anything they might pass. But now, with a Democratic president and Democratic majorities in both houses, the forces are aligned to abolish climate change once and for all—assuring Americans of this and future generations that normal weather will be allowed to reassert itself once humankind’s interference is eliminated.”

In a bill being drafted at Gore’s direction, congress will be urged to enact a law banning artificial means of living and promoting a more natural lifestyle. “Carbon-based methods for producing energy must be eliminated,” Gore insisted. “Whether we do this via punitive taxes or regulation is not as important as that it be done. People are warm-blooded mammals. If they’re cold they can put on more clothes to retain body heat. If they are hot they can take off their clothes. This is the environmentally friendly way to control climate.”

“Wind and solar power can serve most of our needs for energy,” Gore argued. “You know, Columbus discovered America using a wind-powered vessel. Yet, we have allowed this environmentally benign travel mode to atrophy. We’ve allowed ourselves to become addicted to gadding about town, creating massive traffic jams and polluting the air. We need to adapt our way of living to reduce unnecessary trips.”

Due to heavy demand for speaking appearances and the accompanying busy travel schedule, Gore is expected to fly into Washington on a private jet to testify on behalf of his proposed legislation.

Poodle Mauls Former French President

The continued decline of French civilization was evidenced when former President Jacques Chirac had to be rushed to a hospital after being mauled by his own dog.

The Maltese poodle, named Sumo, has a history of frenzied fits and “vicious, unprovoked attacks” despite receiving what Chirac called “the finest cheese and wine available in our country. He eats better than most of the peasants in France. Yet, he still chews my shoes and urinates on the furniture. It’s like he’s saying he doesn’t respect my authority.”

At the time of the mauling, Chirac was lying on the floor in the usual “submissive position” assumed by dogs yielding in a fight. “I can only surmise that I was insufficiently demonstrative or, perhaps, not as expeditious in this maneuver as Sumo required,” Chirac lamented. “I will need to do better next time.”

In related news, the current French President, Nicolas Sarkozy, declared Arabic to be the language of the future. “We must invest in the Arabic language because in a generation or so it will be the dominant language of the nation we now know as France,” he said. Bizarrely calling Arabic the “language of science and of modernity,” Sarkozy suggested that “If we all learn Arabic now, we will fare better under the coming Muslim majority.”

Billionaire Says Stimulus Package “Not Enough”

International financial manipulator and billionaire, George Soros says that the U.S. government’s bailout program is “too small and too poorly managed to revive the world economy.”

“We are going to need trillions of dollars in increased government handouts if there is to be any chance of avoiding another great depression,” Soros asserted. “For one, there are banks around the world that need bailing out. Yet, U.S. policy makers seem to be narrowly focused on what’s happening in America.”

Soros suggested that the U.S. government entrust the bailout to him. “I’ve shown the world that I can make money by becoming a billionaire,” Soros boasted. “A rational person would put his faith in my abilities.”

Soros’ said his condition for taking on the job is a completely free hand. “No one is qualified to judge my actions. I cannot be hampered by having to answer to a bunch of ignoramuses in congress or the White House.”