In an unprecedented expansion of the concept of the president as the US “commander-in-chief,” Obama insisted that “in this time of economic crisis, my administration will make war on profiteering. As long as one person is without a job, those who are fortunate enough to be employed must not be allowed to take bonuses. As long as one business is in bankruptcy, those businesses enjoying a profit must sacrifice to spread the wealth around. We are all in this together. All must contribute to the good of the collective whole. As president, it is my job to see to it that all equitably share in the bounty produced by our economy.”

Obama’s position received support in congress. Senator Chris Dodd (D-Conn) demanded that the government “seize the bonus payments and excess profits of Wall Street” and add the money to the “stimulus” package now under debate in the senate. “These greedy profiteers must not be allowed to make decisions that are rightfully the prerogative of the people’s elected representatives,” Dodd argued. “This is the mandate for change voters demanded when they opted for the Democrats in November.”

Senator Claire McCaskill (D-Missouri) seconded Dodd’s remarks and introduced a bill that would cap the salaries that could be paid to anyone in America to no more than that made by the US President. “President is the most important job in the world,” she asserted. “No one should be more highly compensated than he is.”

To “avoid subterfuges,” McCaskill’s bill targets “total compensation.” “There will be no skirting the law by funneling pay into bonuses, capital gains, profit-sharing, or any of the other clever dodges used by corporations to elude taxes,” she vowed. “Income from any and all sources, for any and all persons will be capped at the amount we pay the president. It is the height of arrogance for anyone to expect more.”

The president’s current salary is $400,000 per year.

Bill Authorizing Federal Concentration Camps Introduced

Representative Alcee Hastings (D-Fla) has introduced legislation (H. R. 645) authorizing the establishment of “national emergency centers” on military installations throughout the nation. The facilities would be intended to “house individuals and families when the president declares it a matter of national security requiring it.”

Hastings dismissed fears that these centers would be abused to stifle opposition to the government. “The decision on when or who will be housed in these facilities will not be made by a miscreant president like Bush or Nixon,” Hastings reassured his critics. “I have the utmost confidence in President Obama’s humanitarian instincts. If someone like Rush Limbaugh ends up in one of the centers, it will only be because the well-being of the country requires it.”

The congressman stressed that the “centers” would be nothing like those run by Hitler or Stalin. “Inhabitants won’t be shot, gassed, or starved,” Hastings promised. “The crematoriums will only be used for those dying from natural causes or accidental deaths. A better model would be the camps used to intern Japanese-Americans during World War II.”

The bill includes funding of only $180 million per year. “It’s not like we have to accommodate millions, at least I hope we don’t,” Hastings said. “Timely and targeted use may stem the need for expansive accommodations.”

In related news, the Clark County School District of Las Vegas has modified the pledge of allegiance recited by its school children. Instead of the flag, the president is the new focus of the oath. “Pledging to a flag doesn’t make any sense,” according to Superintendent Julius Schreck. “The flag is an inanimate object. The president is the animate, active representation of the nation’s will. If we teach our children and, indeed, their parents, as well, to get behind him there is no limit to what we can accomplish.”

Treasury Secretary Announces “Get Tough” Policy for Tax Evaders

Stung by the revelations of his own tax evasion that nearly thwarted his rise to his current post, US Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced that “there will be no mercy for tax-cheats on my watch.”

Contending that his own personal experience “has fortified me for this task,” Geithner insisted that “hiring a former lawbreaker is both a nuanced and excellent strategy. Who better knows the tricks than one who has employed some of them? I think I know which rocks to look under.”

Geithner promised “a relentless pursuit of every possible tax dollar the government can conceivably lay claim to. The needs of the nation come first. Those who would withhold resources from the government must be made to bear the burden of proof if they hope to keep funds out of the people’s treasury.”

ACORN May Receive “Stimulus” Money

Republican outrage at discovering that the infamous ACORN “community action group” that was linked to extensive vote fraud last year would be eligible for a share of $4 billion in federal aid under Obama’s economic stimulus legislation was rejected by Democrats as “sour grapes.”

“ACORN played a vital role in helping rid the nation of Republican misrule,” explained White Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel. “These kinds of efforts are vital if the change voters endorsed is to be solidified for future generations. And as we all know, money is what fuels political progress. To deny the forces of change access to this fuel would imperil the remaking of America.”

Connecticut to Fight Unemployment by Banning Layoffs

In a move many in the media are describing as “ingenious,” “inspiring,” and “a breakthrough of epic proportions,” Connecticut’s Attorney General Richard Blumenthal has asked state regulators to block AT&T’s plan to cut cists by laying-off 400 of its 6800 workers employed in the state.

“AT&T is a regulated utility in our state,” Blumenthal observed. “How, when, and where they do business is a matter of concern and is subject to the oversight of the State’s Department of Public Utility Control. I am asking that the Department of Public Utility Control prohibit AT&T from taking this action that will worsen the unemployment situation in our state.”

The demanded crackdown on AT&T is “only a first step” according to Blumenthal. “With unemployment rates on the upswing everywhere, laying-off workers is the last thing any business should be doing right now,” Blumenthal contended. “I will be seeking legislation applicable across-the-board to all businesses in the state. A person’s livelihood should not be subject to the vagaries of the market. Pursuit of profit cannot be allowed to dictate who does or doesn’t have a job. Decisions of this magnitude ought to be made by the government.”

Blumenthal rejected allegations that Connecticut’s high tax rate might be hampering employment in the state. “The size of the tax burden isn’t relevant,” he insisted. “Taxes taken from the incomes of people residing in Connecticut are spent in Connecticut. It’s a wash transaction.”

Connecticut’s state taxes are third highest in the nation—up from 24^th highest 30 years ago. Combined with federal taxes, Connecticut taxpayers must work longer than those in any other state to pay government levies.

“Buy American” Bill Touted

Senator Byron Dorgan (D-ND) has proposed a “buy American” requirement be inserted into the “stimulus” bill. “If we can stop people from buying imports, they’ll have to buy from US companies,” Dorgan said. “This will boost employment here, rather than exporting it overseas.”

Dorgan recalled that “one of the first steps America took to fight the Great Depression was passage of 1930’s Smoot-Hawley tariff. Of course, this bill by itself wasn’t enough to turn the tide, but it was part of a comprehensive program of government measures adopted by both the Republican Hoover Administration and Democratic Roosevelt Administrations to combat the downturn. To make the President’s stimulus package more effective, I feel a similar disincentive for imports is needed.”

Most economists credit Smoot-Hawley for dampening global trade in the 1930s and helping lay the economic foundations for the global conflict known as World War II.

In related news, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) explained that the federal funding for abortions included in the “stimulus” bill would “help alleviate the stress to hard-pressed families by eliminating unnecessary mouths to feed.”