“It’s a matter of accountability,” Stabenow claimed. “As it is now, Limbaugh and his ilk can pretty much say whatever they want, even if it undermines confidence in the president’s program. This has got to stop. Unless these broadcasters can fairly offer both sides on controversial issues, they ought to be denied access to the public’s airwaves.”

Stabenow dismissed the argument that those with opposing views are free to air their own programs. “This has already been tried with ‘Air America,’” she observed. “But there weren’t enough listeners available. The right has captured the bulk of the audience making it impossible for others to compete.”

The senator suggested several formats that would be acceptable. “Shows could have dual hosts so both the liberal and conservative sides are represented on the same program—like they used to be on the ‘Hannity & Colmes’ show,” Stabenow said. “Alternatively, successful shows like Limbaugh’s could be required to share their profits to help subsidize opposing points of view.”

Limbaugh was said to be cool to the idea. “Senator Stabenow’s proposal would be tantamount to mixing excrement with the excellence that already exists on the EIB,” Limbaugh wryly commented. “This could hardly serve the public interest or any other sane and legitimate purpose.”

Stabenow denied that her interest in the issue was, in any way, influenced by the fact that her husband is the Vice President of the financially floundering Air America.

President Demands Action on His Stimulus Bill

President Barack Obama said any delay in the enactment of his so-called stimulus spending bill is “inexcusable and irresponsible.” While acknowledging that his plan is “risky” and “likely to be painful for many Americans,” he urged congress to take immediate action to pass it. “If we think about it too much we may lose the nerve to move forward,” Obama warned.

The President advised voters to ignore the Congressional Budget Office’s forecast that the stimulus package would actually reduce gross domestic production over the long run and do more harm than if the government did nothing. “Doing nothing is the Republican solution for every problem,” Obama contended. “The ‘do nothing’ approach was rejected when voters elected me to represent the national will last November.”

Obama admitted that “it will be years—if ever—before we know whether this plan will work. But expectations have been raised among so many sectors of our society that we will be handing out government money. It would be a breach of faith to let these people down when I have given my word. This is just one more reason why we must not hesitate to get started on this distribution of cash as soon as possible.”

In related news, unlike other cities’ mayors, Chicago’s Richard Daley refused to disclose the city’s “wish list” of “shovel-ready projects” on which the federal economic stimulus funds would be spent. “We feel it is better to keep this information confidential to prevent the kind of negative consequences that befell the ‘loose-lipped Governor Blagojevich.”

Senate Majority Leader Explains, Excuses Democratic Tax Cheating

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid sought to discount criticism of the tax evasion of so many of Barack Obama’s appointees. “Look, the country was ground under the heel of George Bush’s despotism for eight long years,” Reid argued. “Who can blame these patriotic Americans from seeking to fight this tyranny by starving it of funds.”

Obama nominees Tom Daschle and Nancy Killefer withdrew their candidacies for offices in the Obama Administration when it was revealed that they had neglected to pay significant amounts of taxes owed over multiple years. Treasury Secretary nominee and fellow tax cheat, Tim Geithner, was approved said Reid because “we want someone to head the IRS who knows the tricks others may attempt to use to evade tax liabilities.”

Since withdrawing from his appointment as Secretary of Health and Human Services, Daschle has asked if he could have the money he paid in back taxes returned to him. “I only paid because I thought it would help me get the job,” Daschle explained. “Since I’m not going to get the job I sure could use the $140,000.”

The executive branch members of the Democratic Party didn’t monopolize tax evasion antics. Would-be Minnesota senator Al Franken admitted that he owes around $50,000 in back taxes. And Representative Charles Rangel (N.Y.), chairman of the powerful House Ways and Means Committee—the arm of congress that writes tax law—is reported to have made numerous errors on tax filings and other financial disclosure regulations over a 30-year period.  

Congressman Proposes Economy-Wide Salary Cap

Representative Barney Frank (D-Mass.) applauded President Obama’s announced salary cap for employees of companies receiving federal bailout money, but said it doesn’t go far enough. He says he’s crafting legislation that would extend the $500,000 maximum to every business in the United States.

“There’s no good reason why any of these corporate fat cats should be making more than $500,000 a year,” said Frank. “That’s way more money than they need or deserve.”

Frank shrugged off the notion that the free market should determine compensation levels. “The free market is okay, up to a point,” Frank allowed. “But when some take too much from the common pot, it’s congress’ job to step in to ensure a fair share for all.”

The congressman pooh-poohed the arguments that superior performance warrants superior rewards or that a salary cap could result in a “brain drain.” “Running a company can’t be any harder than running the country,” he contended. “And the president only gets paid $400,000 a year. So, I’d say $500,000 is enough for any honest man. Anyone who’d leave America because he can’t make more is too greedy. Good riddance if they leave.”

Frank’s bill exempts the multimillion dollar payouts made to lawyers, professional athletes and movie stars because “these are not salaries, but performance payments. We cannot let inadequate compensation stand in the way of achieving justice,” Frank argued. “Neither can we short those who play a vital role in boosting the common people’s morale by diverting their attentions from everyday troubles.”

Obama Energy Department to Crack Down on Waste

President Obama has asked the U.S. Department of Energy to tighten up regulations aimed at discouraging wasteful use of energy. Measures under consideration include remote thermostat monitoring, higher taxes on fuel, and an “energy-saver-of-the-month” lottery.

“Too many people are frivolously consuming an excessive quantity of this precious resource,” Obama lamented. “We need better incentives to deter unnecessary use. The certain knowledge that the government will be checking on your electricity bill, a higher price at the gas pump, or the chance to have your name drawn for a large cash prize could modify behavior in the right direction.”

“It’s not so hard to save energy,” Obama continued. “For example, instead of firing up the oven to cook a meal you could go out for sushi. Michelle, the kids and I have often done this. We saved even more energy by carpooling to the restaurant.”

In related news, Obama rebuffed criticism of the high thermostat settings in the White House since he took office as “racist.” “With roots in Africa and an upbringing in balmy Indonesia and Hawaii, I need warmer temperatures,” the President insisted, explaining that Illinois’ cold climate was largely responsible for all those “present votes.” “I was too cold to lift a finger. So the Sergeant-at-Arms merely recorded me ‘present,’” he said.

Ex-President Carter Urges Obama to Trust Hamas

Former president Jimmy Carter has urged President Obama to “trust Hamas if he wants to make progress in settling the Palestinian issue.”

“Hamas has suffered a bad press in this country,” Carter alleged. “All we hear about is how Hamas is killing Jews in Israel. Has anyone stopped to consider whether they have good reasons for this?”

“They are not the indiscriminate murderers that Israeli politicians would have you believe,” Carter insisted. “They have had many opportunities to take me hostage or kill me, but they never did. I think this demonstrates a capacity for constraint that few give them credit for.”