The 1,000+ pages of President Obama’s so-called economic stimulus bill contains language establishing a new National Coordinator of Health Information Technology (NCHIT) bureaucracy that will be charged with tracking and prescribing “allowable” health care treatments for all Americans.

The new bureaucracy was the “brain child” of Secretary of Health and Human Services (HHS) nominee, former senator Tom Daschle (D-S. Dak). “Health care costs in this country have been getting out of hand because we’re spending too much on the wrong treatments for the wrong people,” Daschle contended. “The current anarchic system allows individuals to make selfish choices that may not benefit society as a whole.”

“We need to impose order on this chaos by factoring-in key social and actuarial data to determine which individuals society should invest its scarce health dollars in,” he continued. “Expensive therapies must be reserved for only the most deserving. Frankly, some are too old or unimportant to lay claim to these treatments. It will be up to the NCHIT to decide who can and can’t be accommodated.”

In related news, there is rising speculation that Houston Astros’ shortstop Miguel Tejada, may be in line for the Secretary of HHS job now that Daschle has withdrawn. Tejada’s steroid abuse and subsequent admission that he lied to congress about it is seen as an asset. “Tejada has personal experience with a significant health issue,” said Presidential Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. Gibbs dismissed lying to congress as “something that everybody does, including congressmen themselves. May I also point out that former President Clinton was a perjurer, but that didn’t stop him from being a great president.”

California Budget Crunch Endangers Welfare Payments

Millions of the state’s welfare recipients may face termination of benefits if the state’s budgetary woes are not favorably resolved. California’s historic $42 billion budget crunch has prevented the State Controller’s Office from making an estimated $3.3 billion in payments to California counties, taxpayers and various state agencies.

San Bernardino County spokesman David Wert called the prospect that welfare clients might not get paid “horrific.” “These people are depending on the government to take care of them,” Wert pointed out. “If the government fails to come through, many will be forced to find jobs. It won’t be easy. Most of these people lack the skills, aptitude, and self-discipline for work.”

Wert said he is less concerned about holding up tax refund checks. “Taxpayers have jobs already,” he observed. “The refunds represent a small portion of their resources. They’ll make it on their own. Besides, the government may have to raise taxes anyway. The withheld refunds would just be payment in advance for next year’s increased tax liability.”

“Luckily, there is a ray of hope from Washington,” Wert added. “I understand the President’s stimulus package would pay states a bounty for every new person enrolled in their welfare programs. So, happy days may be here again before we know it.”

Government Demands GM Fire 10,000 “White Collar” Employees

As a trade-off for the bailout money it is receiving from the U.S. government, General Motors will be required to trim an additional 10,000 “white collar” employees. This follows an already taken lay-off of 5,000 white collar workers in the last year.

An Obama Administration official, speaking on condition of anonymity, explained the mandated unemployment. “With the unemployment rate soaring, some may question the mandated firings. Isn’t it contradictory to the intent of the ‘stimulus’ legislation, they ask. Well, this administration isn’t just simply concerned with the number of jobs. The type of job is also important.”

“First, these are non-union jobs,” the official continued. “This is not the type of job that the president is committed to protecting or creating in his stimulus plan. Second, the administrative functions performed by these people will no longer be needed. From now on, all the key executive decisions for the firm will be made by the government.”

UK Government Says Geert Wilders Not Welcome

The Government of the United Kingdom announced that controversial film maker and member of the Dutch Parliament Geert Wilders is not welcome in their country.

UK’s foreign minister, David Miliband explained that the action was taken for “security reasons.” “Mr. Wilders is classified as persona non-Islam,” Miliband said. “He is reviled by Muslims everywhere for his outspoken criticism of Islamic violence. If he is admitted, there is a high probability that he will be attacked by Muslim extremists. For his safety and that of innocent bystanders, we cannot allow him to freely enter the country.”

“The Dutch Government’s complaints against our decision are highly hypocritical,” he went on. “As they well know, the Amsterdam Court of Appeals has ordered criminal prosecution of Mr. Wilders. So, it seems, they have even more dire intentions toward him than we do.”

The prosecution stems from Wilders’ film Fitna in which it is alleged “he insults Muslims by his underhanded methods.” Wilders’ “underhanded methods” consisted of juxtaposing violent passages from the Koran with scenes of violent deeds carried out in the name of Islam.

Gerard Spong, lawyer for the Islamic groups demanding Wilders’ prosecution hailed the Court’s decision. “Under the law, so-called truth is neither a defense nor a mitigating factor,” Spong reminded. “For a non-Muslim to make unsanctioned interpretations of Islamic doctrine is unacceptable. Wilders must count himself lucky that Dutch law does not yet accommodate the appropriate sharia punishment. That is for the future.”

NY to Fight Budget Troubles with Tax Hike

The New York State Legislature is proposing a 50% increase in the tax rate applied to incomes over $250,000 a year. Senate Majority Leader, Malcolm A. Smith (D-St. Albans) warned the Republican minority against “obstinate opposition.”

“These members of the economic aristocracy must not be allowed to withhold excessive amounts of society’s resources when they could be used for more important purposes or to accomplish a more equitable distribution of the Earth’s bounty,” Smith said. “They should consider themselves lucky we don’t take everything over $250,000. As the president as so aptly pointed out, no one really needs more than that for a comfortable living.”

Banks Derided for Stingy Credit Policies

Disappointed that the banks aren’t making more loans, Representative Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio) suggested that “since the government now owns these banks, we should ensure that the money in them is used for the proper purposes.”

“Banks are hoarding their money,” Kucinich argued. “They aren’t handing it out to people who need help like we want them to. Congress may have to step in so we can allocate these funds ourselves.”

House Financial Services Committee Chairman Barney Frank (D- Mass) accused the banks of “being extraordinarily ‘anal’ with the funds. They’re sitting on this money when they should be spreading it around.”

Representative Maxine Waters (D-Calif.) bizarrely characterized bank executives as “dark knights” who would be well-advised not to go against the wishes of President Obama, who she characterized as “the Joker.”

The “Joker” himself, President Obama echoed his fellow Democrats’ sentiments saying, “The banks, the businesses, the taxpayers—most ordinary people in general—are consumed by small, petty things. We need to get more of the nation’s resources into the hands of those who will do great things with this money.”

Arizona Rancher Being Sued for Arresting Illegals on His Property

Roger Barnett owns the Cross Rail Ranch near Douglas, Arizona. The ranch is regularly trespassed upon by illegal aliens sneaking in from Mexico. Over the last 10 years, Barnett has captured over 12,000 of these invaders and turned them over to the Border Patrol.

He is now being sued for $32 million by 16 of those he apprehended. “This man interfered with my freedom,” said Pablo Paracito, one of the litigants. “He crushed my dreams of a prosperous new life in Norte America.”

The litigants put a price tag of $2 million apiece for the loss of freedom and crushed dreams. “As a private citizen he is not authorized for this activity,” Paracito maintained. “Defending his property is no excuse. We must make an example of him that will deter other private citizens from attempting to enforce the laws that the Border Patrol has the responsibility to enforce.”