Concerned that the public sector spending binge that the passage of his so-called stimulus bill will unleash may lead to bad publicity, President Obama cautioned key recipients about maintaining the “appearance of propriety while the American people are watching.”

“Taxpayers are skeptical that the government can spend their money more wisely than they themselves can,” Obama warned. “The governors and mayors who will control this money must be careful not to expose evidence of waste, fraud, or inefficiency that would tend to corroborate this skepticism.”

The President admitted that he was calling for “an unprecedented level of trust from the American people, given the demoralizing disclosures of tax fraud by several of my nominees for high office.” He urged every American to study the 25,000-word manual detailing the regulations to be followed in the expenditure of this money “before launching premature attacks.”

“Sometimes things look bad on the surface,” the President observed. “Contracts may seem to be hastily awarded to friends of the governor. A mayor may be observed furtively stuffing an envelope in his pocket. But these actions may be in full compliance with the regulations. So, until you are up to speed on the rules, it would be best not to leap to conclusions.”

In related news, Representative James Clyburn (D-SC) labeled the governors of Texas, Louisiana, Mississippi and South Carolina “racists” for saying they may not accept federal stimulus funds. “It’s worse than being sent to the back of the bus. These Republican governors aren’t even going to let the bus stop in their states,” Clyburn insisted. “These four states have large numbers of African American citizens. It’s time for the Black man to get paid. As I see it, anyone who tries to stop it is racist.”

EPA Preparing to Regulate Carbon Dioxide Emissions

Lisa Jackson, the Environmental Protection Agency’s new administrator, confirmed that her agency is working on regulations to try to eliminate carbon dioxide emissions.

“Carbon dioxide has been linked to global warming,” Jackson asserted. “It must be controlled and, ultimately, eliminated if we are to save the planet.”

Jackson was adamant that no source of emissions would be overlooked. “Even small emissions from a single source can amount to a major problem if multiplied,” she said. “Every breathing being emits carbon dioxide. This adds up when 300 million inhabitants of the United States all do it.”

The EPA is reportedly drafting rules that would mandate an “emissions inventory assessment” for every man, woman, and child in the country. A series of permits would then be required based on the estimated quantity of carbon dioxide attributed to each responsible party. Respiratory permits are expected to be based on body mass. Ownership of fossil fuel powered devices would be another source of liability for purchasing permits.

“A silver lining in this is that it would encourage a healthier lifestyle,” Jackson contended. “Trimming excess weight would lower your permit cost. Aborting that unnecessary addition to your family won’t only, as Speaker Pelosi says, help with the President’s stimulus package, it would also relieve you of having to buy another emission permit. Ditching your car and taking the bus would get you out of paying for a vehicle emission permit. We can reshape the way Americans live while improving the environment. It’s a win-win situation.”

Pundit Questions Criticism of Obama

MSNBC’s Chris Matthews raised the issue of who is entitled to question the Obama presidency at this stage.

“I mean, here we have CNBC’s Rick Santelli coming down hard on Barack’s proposal to have the government pick up the tab for people who’ve defaulted on their mortgages and he didn’t even vote for the guy,” Matthews complained. “It’s one thing for those of us on the winning team to advise the coach. But what are the guys from the other side doing in our huddle?”

Matthews suggested that “for the sake of nation’s collective well-being, the last election’s losers ought to ‘put a sock in it.’ It’s everyone’s duty to give President Obama a chance to implement his agenda without excessive criticism. Let’s give him a chance to determine how society’s resources are used without second guessing him.”

In related news, an Oklahoma City man was questioned by federal agents after local police cited him for displaying an anti-Obama sign. “The sign’s message was especially derogatory and violent toward the President,” said Secret Service spokesman, Seymore Fose. “The ‘abort Obama, not the unborn,’ slogan implies that the President ought to suffer the same sort of violent end suited to unwanted fetal material.”

Pelosi Calls Meeting with Pope “Disappointing”

US House of Representatives Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) expressed disgust with the Pope after her meeting with him at the Vatican.

“He’s so close minded,” she complained. “He refuses to consider the necessary trade-offs we officeholders must make to promote a progressive agenda.”

Pelosi said she found the Pope’s “adamant opposition to family planning particularly galling. He we Democrats are trying to ensure that there aren’t too many mouths to feed, yet His Eminence stubbornly adheres to the notion that the unborn must be protected, no matter what.”

The Speaker contended that the majority of Catholics favor a “more nuanced” position that “balances the welfare of the many against that of this narrowly defined interest group of so-called ‘unborn.’” “Catholics United has appreciated the efforts of ardent Catholics, like myself, to make the compromises needed for a better world,” Pelosi argued. “Why can’t the Pope?” The California Democrat concluded her rant by urging “Catholics to band together to impeach, defrock, or whatever it is we do to change leadership in the Church.”

A final insult was the Pope’s refusal to be photographed with Pelosi. “We are not obliged to provide misguided public officials with the propaganda props with which they seek to mislead the public,” was the terse explanation offered by the Pontiff’s aide.

NY Governor Defends Staff Pay Hikes

New York Governor David Paterson was put on the defensive when it was revealed that his closest advisors in the Governor’s Office were not only spared the pay cuts imposed on other state employees, but granted raises.

“These are not the usual state employee drones goofing off or doing useless tasks,” Paterson declared. “They are critical staff members dealing with the most urgent and sensitive issues facing the state.”

Challenged to come up with a single example of an urgent and sensitive issue handled by any one of these critical staff members, Paterson declined, citing the “need to preserve the confidentiality of state business.”

White House Tries to Dampen Expectations Regarding the Stimulus Package

White House senior adviser, David Axelrod admonished the public to “not get your hopes up too high” regarding the stimulus package rushed through congress.

“We didn’t take a lot of time putting this thing together,” Axelrod admitted. “Nobody’s really sure of what’s in it. One theory says it doesn’t really matter. Any spending will juice the economy. So, if you spot something that looks goofy, don’t worry too much. It’s all part of the plan.”

Axelrod said the average person “probably won’t see any benefit for himself. Unless you’ve got connections to your state’s governor or your town’s mayor, I don’t think you should count on receiving any of the cash. The main role for the ordinary citizen will be to pay the taxes required to fund the plan.”

Iranian Newspaper Warns Against Ahmadinejad Opponent

Kayhan, an Iranian newspaper supporting the reelection of President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, warned former president Mohammad Khatami that “he is taking his life in his hands if he tries to unseat our beloved Ahmadinejad.”

Khatami was described as “unduly influenced by Western ideas.” “He has proposed limiting the size of the stones used to punish wanton women to little bigger than a grain of sand,” the paper fulminated. “There is even the risk that women who allow themselves to be raped would completely escape penalty. Voters will not tolerate such apostasy. They will take whatever measures are required to save the country from such a man.”

“He cannot win,” the editorial continued. “Let Bhutto’s fate be his warning.”

Benazir Bhutto, former prime minister of Pakistan, was assassinated during her run for office in 2007.