Russian officials rejected Ukrainian charges that Stalin’s forced starvation of 7 million Ukrainians during the 1930s constituted a case of genocide. Vladimir Kozlov, head of Russia’s Federal Archives Agency, insisted that it “was merely a case of mass murder.”

“These Ukrainians act as if they were singled out for massacre because of some ethnic animosity on the part of Russia’s great leader,” Kozlov said. “The records show quite clearly that the Ukrainian peasants were liquidated for their resistance to collectivization of their land. Therefore, they were killed for economic, not ethnic reasons. Allegations of genocide are baseless.”

“Stalin is treated so unfairly by his critics,” Kozlov complained. “He was fighting to build socialism in our country. When you fight, you strive to crush your enemies. Those familiar with the history of the period know that people of all ethnic backgrounds faced Stalin’s wrath if they stood in his way—Ukrainians, Jews, Poles, Germans—it didn’t matter. Those who wouldn’t cooperate had to be eliminated. That there were so many wasn’t really Stalin’s fault. He would’ve been happier, I’m sure, if there were fewer he had to kill.”

Bush Abortion Rule to Be Reversed

The so-called “freedom of conscience rule” promulgated by the Bush Administration in its last few months will be rescinded by the Obama Administration within the next month or two according to an unnamed official. The Bush rule permits medical personnel to decline to perform abortions if they believe that to do so would be unethical, immoral, or in violation of their religious beliefs.

“As President Obama has said, the job of these doctors, nurses, etc. is to serve their patients, not to assert any moral misgivings and use that as a reason to refuse service,” the official asserted. “The argument that patients are free to seek out providers without such moral scruples is repugnant. It allows health workers to place their own value judgments ahead of those our society has chosen through the electoral process. Even worse, it stigmatizes innocent women. It’s like these doctors and nurses are saying a woman’s decision to end her pregnancy is somehow ‘wrong.’”

The official went on to describe the Bush approach as a “pathway to moral anarchy. We can’t have the social cohesion the Obama Administration is trying to achieve if just anyone is free to set his or her own moral boundaries. We’ve all got to be on the same page here. The only way to ensure that is for everyone to follow the guidance provided by their elected leaders. If someone doesn’t like this guidance they can vote for different leaders at the next election. Meanwhile, they should be supporting the team that’s in there now rather than complaining about it.”

President’s Budget Aims to “Pluck the Golden Goose”

In wording some characterized as “ominous,” President Obama was overheard telling aides that “ultimately, we intend to pluck the goose that’s been sitting on society’s golden eggs for too long.” It is believed the president is referring to the planned tax increases for those earning more than $250,000 a year.

“These people have been taking too big of a share of the nation’s wealth,” Obama was heard to have said. “Simple justice demands that I take it back from them.”

Left unexplained was how, exactly, a plucked goose would be able to continue laying “society’s golden eggs.”

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) said that while he agreed with the president’s general outlook on how to redistribute the nation’s resources, he warned Obama to “keep his hands off congress’ earmarks” calling them “essential payoffs needed to ensure the continued support of key constituencies.”

“It’s easy for the president to take the so-called ‘high ground’ on this issue,” Reid remarked. “He’s got more than enough international financial support to win reelection. But we smaller fry have still got to grub for donations wherever we can. Our ability to repay people with special projects is a vital tool in our war chest.”

Senator Robert Byrd (D-W.Va.), the longest serving Democratic senator, agreed with Reid that the president was getting too “uppity.” “It’s one thing for the president to ask us to redirect wealth toward the poor,” Byrd said. “It’s another entirely for him to threaten the prerogatives of congress. He ought to be horse-whipped if he tries any such thing. Why, in my younger days I’d have gladly done it myself.”

Napolitano Outlines New Homeland Security Approach

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano announced a 180-degree turn from the Bush Administration’s approach to guarding the nation’s security.

“By its emphasis on the negative, the Bush Administration gave strength to those who would harm us,” Napolitano contended. “Calling it a ‘war on terror’ for example, elevated the scale of violence and increased the risk that we would provoke more attacks.”

Napolitano cast her new policy as “the power of positive thinking.” “When I was a small child I was fascinated by the story of Peter Pan,” she said. “Just by thinking happy thoughts the characters could fly. Ultimately, they were able to defeat the pirates and return home safely. If we can create those same positive vibes, we, too, can triumph over the modern day pirates who are causing such mischief around the world.”

Staff members at the Department of Homeland Security have been instructed to revise the language they use to describe the current situation. Out are terms like “terrorist” and “vulnerable.” In place of these negative terms, the Department staff is advised to use “those with a different world view” and “a society open to alternative perspectives of life,” respectively.

Representative Peter King (R-N.Y.), the Republican minority’s top ranking member of the House Homeland Security Committee, called Napolitano’s strategy “appallingly naïve.” “She obviously living in some sort of fantasy land,” he wryly observed. “Apparently, she believes we can rely on the ‘kindness of strangers’ to protect us. I think she dangerously misperceives the threat.”

White House press secretary Robert Gibbs dismissed King’s criticism as “missing the point.” “The president is an internal optimist, so he does have Peter Pan-like qualities,” Gibbs said. “He’s brought a new sense of hope to the world. I think if we all give him our unquestioning faith, this country may find a strength that has been blocked by the narrow thinking of the past.”

Speaker Denies Afghan Troop Increase Is an Escalation of the War

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) denied that President Obama’s order sending an additional 17,000 to Afghanistan is an escalation of that war.

“If it was Bush that was sending in more troops it would be fair to call it an escalation,” Pelosi argued. “He was a ‘big stick’ cowboy who wanted to dominate the world. But President Obama is cut from an entirely different cloth. He is trying to end the war. So, I’d call this a redeployment of military assets.”

California Governor Bashes Republican Governors Who Oppose Stimulus Money

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger (R-Calif) called fellow Republican governors Mark Sanford (SC), Bobby Jindal (Louisiana) and Rick Perry (Texas) “fools if they turn away free money.”

The reluctance of these governors stems from provisions in the stimulus bill that require states to supply matching funds. The fear is that this will add to states’ already strapped cash flow problems.

“Look, we are starving out here in the states,” Schwarzenegger said. “If the feds put more feed in the trough, we, as governors, owe it to the people of our states to get our snouts in to get our fair share.”

NBA to Receive $175 Million of Federal Bailout Funds

Citing the “need to maintain an adequate level of popular diversion during these bleak times,” Secretary of the Treasury, Tim Geithner, announced a fund of $175 million will be used to subsidize the National Basketball Association.

“When you’re paying $10 to $20 million a year for a top-notch player even the resources of a millionaire owner can be stretched beyond what was anticipated,” Geithner observed. “Many of these teams are forced to play in arenas more than ten years old. Cities are too strapped for funds to build new ones.”

Anticipating critics’ contentions that the use of scarce funds for such a nonessential purpose might be outside the legitimate scope of government, Geithner asserted that “man does not live by bread alone. He also needs circuses. The vicarious thrills that professional sports provide will help take peoples’ minds off of their troubles.”