Stung by the apparent apostasy of a member of the main stream media, a testy President Barack Obama strenuously rejected the contention that he had broken his pledge that there would be no earmarks in his stimulus bill. The heretical charge of hypocrisy came from the formerly tingly-legged MSNBC pundit, Chris Matthews, after it was disclosed that there are over 8,000 earmarks in the recently passed stimulus bill.

“Did anyone see me put any earmarks in the bill?” asked a visibly angry Obama. “No one can prove that I had anything to do with any of the earmarks that turned up in this legislation. Besides, the amounts involved are ‘small potatoes’ in the grand scheme of things.”

The President emphasized that he is only “one link” in the process. “Many had a hand in crafting this measure,” Obama pointed out. “I can’t be held responsible for what they do. Those eager to cast blame will need to look elsewhere.”

In related news, Senator Tom Harkin (D-Iowa) defended an earmark for $1.8 million to study the problem of pig manure that he inserted into the $410 billion omnibus spending bill. “The average American may not appreciate the importance,” Harkin acknowledged. “But I can assure you that my colleagues in the senate and I know how to handle such matters. It is our job to use our superior insight and access to information to make sure that items that would be overlooked by an ill-informed populace are taken care of by the government.”

US Army Stocking Up on Riot Gear & Training

The federal government is budgeting funds for an anticipated “hot summer” of domestic unrest.

“With the likes of Limbaugh, Santelli, Cramer and others stirring up trouble with their repeated expressions of disrespect toward the President, we’ve got to be prepared,” said the President’s Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs. “We cannot tolerate any destabilizing demonstrations of disloyalty during these times of severe economic crisis.”

Gibbs warned that “the army has been training assiduously for this sort of contingency since day-one of this Administration. There is an old saying from World War II that ‘loose lips sink ships.’ Well, we cannot afford to allow the loose lips of talk radio to sink the American ship of state. The President has said he will take whatever action he deems necessary to see that this doesn’t happen. He will not be deterred by formalistic notions regarding freedom of speech or assembly that may conflict with his intent to transform this country.”

Obama Overturns Embryonic Stem Cell Ban

Saying that it is time that “even the smallest Americans make a positive contribution,” the Obama Administration issued an Executive Order reversing the Bush Administration’s policy of prohibiting the use tax dollars to fund the harvesting of stem cells from aborted fetuses.

“In the new America we are building, all will be asked to make sacrifices for the common good,” the Executive Order read. “What would otherwise be mere waste biological refuse from uncompleted pregnancies can be used for the advancement of scientific research and the treatment of the seriously ill.”

“Surely, it is more noble for these tissues to be used to help treat the sick then that they be simply discarded,” the President argued. “Saving the lives of other Americans is, in my view, a more practical and moral disposition of these materials. It gives hope to the hopeless. It is the kind of change we can believe in.”

FBI Calls “Time Out” During Snow Storm

A late winter snow storm in New York City forced the local FBI office to shut down for the day. To head off the possibility that criminals or terrorists might take advantage of the ensuing imbalance of forces, the NYC Bureau Chief, Chip Bloch, quickly used the T-shaped hand signal to call for a “time out.”

“With the snow snarling the morning traffic, it would’ve been extremely difficult for us to field a full team,” Bloch said. “So, I had to call for a time out.”

As an avid “weekend warrior” at various City recreational facilities, Bloch said he has used this signal numerous times over the years while playing pick up basketball. “Your shoe comes untied or a band-aid comes loose, you call a time out,” he explained. “Everybody understands the need to keep the game fair. It’s common courtesy. The game is interrupted while you fix the problem, then resumes thereafter.”

Bloch scoffed at the suggestion that such a request might not be honored by criminals and terrorists. “I’ve played with gang members, Muslims, you name it,” Bloch boasted. “Not once has the time out request been ignored.”

“Besides, in case you haven’t heard, as per the new directions from Washington, our focus is now ‘white collar’ crime,” Bloch added. “And from what I heard, most of our suspects in the city were snowed-in as well.”

Obama’s Odd Behavior toward British Explained

The recent meeting between British Prime Minister Gordon Brown and President Barack Obama struck many observers as “odd.” During the meeting itself, Obama appeared bored and uninterested. The gift of home movies that he gave Brown was considered tacky and bizarre. And after the meeting, Obama said that one of his “life-long dreams” was to meet the Queen of England.

“Those who are jumping on the President for what they consider his erratic behavior in this meeting are ignorant of several key facts,” insisted Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. “First of all, the meeting was running long. The President was anxious to not miss the tip-off of the Chicago Bulls-Charlotte Bobcats basketball game. Knowing what a big basketball fan the President is, I think you can understand his repeated glances at his watch.”

“Second, what could be more personal than a gift of home movies featuring the first Black First Family,” Gibbs continued. “There hasn’t ever been as attractive a first family. Sasha and Malia are lovable. Michelle is so stylish. And the President himself is so obviously buff and sexy. Not even the Kennedy’s measured up to the standard being set by this Administration. So, I’m sure the movies are something the Browns will always treasure.”

“Finally, as important as Mr. Brown might be, he’s not the Queen of England,” Gibbs pointed out. “He’s only the head-of-government. Elizabeth is head-of-state for the UK, just like President Obama is for the United States. So, it’s only natural that the President would show a modicum of courtesy for Brown while biding his time for the later, more important meeting with the Queen.”

Psychologist Discovers “Anti-Socialist Personality Disorder”

In a bid to marginalize criticism of the massive expansion of government emerging from the Obama Administration, professors at Harvard’s “Third Conference on Law and Mind Sciences” presented evidence for what they dubbed “anti-socialist personality disorder.”

In one paper titled “The Palliative Function of Ideology,” Ph.D. candidate Jaime Napier from NYU postulated that the self-reported higher levels of personal happiness of conservatives was, in itself, a sign of serious mental illness. “In a world wallowing in poverty and oppression, angst and neurosis are the healthy responses,” Napier wrote. “Liberals manifest a robust magnitude of both angst and neurotic tendencies in their responses to our surveys of mental attitudes.”

“Conservatives, on the other hand, are deficient in this area,” Napier observed. “Their focus on family, faith, and career is systemically pathological given the over all state of the world. Therapy is indicated.”

The characterization of disagreeable political ideas as a mental illness is reminiscent of the old Soviet Union practice of labeling its dissenters as deranged and incarcerating them in hospitals for treatment.

Woman Calls 911 When McDonalds Runs Out of McNuggets

Latreasa Goodman of Fort Pierce, Florida called the 911 emergency number when a local McDonalds restaurant was unable to fill her order for McNuggets because they had run out.

“Them refusing to give me my ‘nuggets’ isn’t the change I voted for last November,” Goodman complained. “It’s racist. Obama’s the president now. I have rights that ‘whitey’ can’t deny me. The police are supposed to enforce my rights.”

Goodman ended up disappointed when police responding to her call not only didn’t force the restaurant to give her the McNuggets, but, instead, cited her for abusing the 911 phone line.

A McDonald’s spokesman apologized for the “out-of-stock” situation and offered Goodman a coupon for a free meal for the inconvenience.