The U.S. District Court of Appeals in Washington ruled that the Clean Air Act authorizes the Environmental Protection Agency to regulate agriculture in the United States. The case stemmed from the American Farm Bureau Federation’s appeal of a 2006 EPA effort to hold farms to the same standards as cities with regard to particulate air pollution.

EPA spokeswoman Virginia Landers lauded the court for rejecting the argument that farming naturally entails stirring up dust. “When you get right down to it, the whole agricultural process of turning over the soil to plant crops is unnatural,” Landers observed. “No plant sows its own seeds in such a destructive and unhealthy manner.”

Landers said the contention that EPA rules banning the emission of dust would be economically devastating to the industry is irrelevant. “Our mandate is to safeguard the environment,” Landers pointed out. “’Raping the land’ is not a protected activity under the Clean Air Act. Those who cannot conduct their business in an environmentally approved manner should look for other work. If this means that farmland reverts to its natural state, so much the better for the planet.”

Legislation Linking Pay to Performance in Works

Representative Barney Frank (D-Mass.) says he is drafting legislation that would set up regulations governing the compensation received by corporate executives. The move is believed to have been inspired by the large bonuses paid to high-ranking officers of Wall Street firms that lost money last year.

“It’s unconscionable that those running a company into debt and maybe bankruptcy should be so richly rewarded,” Frank complained. “If the firms they’re running are in the ‘red’ I don’t think that’s a performance worthy of reward. Just having high revenues isn’t enough. They’ve got to keep expenses under control, too.”

Frank brushed aside criticism that his bill would inordinately meddle in business outside of the government’s authority. “Congress cannot turn a blind eye to such fiscal irresponsibility,” Frank proclaimed. “To do so would invite repeated abuses of the public’s trust by the improvident and corrupt controllers of the corporate ‘purse strings.’”

Under Frank’s bill, executives of companies operating at a deficit would be barred from receiving bonuses, raises, or other compensation above the government approved norm. To prevent subterfuges, all salaries and compensation added up to over $250,000 per year would be subject to review by the Department of Commerce.

House Speaker Proposes “Windfall” Tax on IRAs and 401ks

Speaker of the House of Representatives, Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) is proposing a “windfall” tax be levied on “so-called retirement accounts.”

“Who has the wherewithal to put money into these types of accounts?” Pelosi rhetorically asked. “I’ll tell you who—the rich. With unemployment soaring and businesses facing bankruptcy, people who can afford to put money into an IRA or 401k obviously have more than they need. Such selfishness must not be permitted to stand in the way of the President’s goal of equalizing incomes.”

Pelosi characterized IRAs and 401ks as “tax dodges” rather than retirement plans. “Social Security is the nation’s retirement plan,” she insisted. “No one is entitled to more if the resources to fund it are needed for other vital government programs.”

Under Pelosi’s proposal, funds currently in these tax-deferred accounts would be swept into a “Social Responsibility Trust” where they would be used to raise the standard of living of the poor, unemployed and minorities. “You know, there are an estimated 12 million illegal immigrants in our country who need our help,” Pelosi asserted. “To let these funds sit idle or be paid out so a few can lead a pampered retirement is unacceptable.”

Pelosi assured those who have contributed to their own retirement accounts that “they would be eligible to receive payments from the Social Responsibility Trust if they can demonstrate a verifiable proof of need.”

In related news, billionaire investor Warren Buffet urged Republicans to “put aside their partisan bickering and get behind the President’s economic program. My stocks are tanking. I’ve lost billions of the fortune I’ve spent my life amassing.” Buffet said he was pessimistic that “heartless Republicans would heed his suffering.” “I voted for Obama. So I guess I shouldn’t expect their sympathy.” At the start of the year 2008, Buffet was the world’s richest man with an estimated $62 billion net worth.

Judge Orders End to Home-Schooling

North Carolina Judge, Ned Mangum, ordered Venessa Mills to send her children to public school starting next September. The ruling, part of a divorce case resolution, stunned observers.

Mills’ home-schooled three children all tested at or above grade level and were deemed well-adjusted according to testimony from psychologists. This, however, bolstered the argument that they ought to attend public school “like normal kids,” in the judge’s eyes.

“The home is a sheltered environment,” Mangum said. “It will not provide the kind of stimulus needed if these children are to learn what the world is really like. How will they come to terms with their father’s serial adultery if they aren’t exposed to children who’ve had a similar experience? In public school they will encounter peers with varied backgrounds—some of which will parallel their own.”

A secondary factor cited by the judge was the importance of developing a sense of “social solidarity.” “While these children may seem fine as individuals in their home-school setting, they will be growing up outside the socializing influence of the public school,” Mangum said. “They will be prone to atomistic and individualistic attitudes that may be at variance with the collective consciousness that will be essential if these children are to thrive in the kind of national community President Obama is trying to build.”

Obama Rescinds Bush Stem Cell Executive Order

In addition to overturning former President Bush’s policy against taxpayer funded embryonic stem cell research, President Obama rescinded Bush’s policy authorizing federal funding for adult stem cell research.

Obama said it was a “matter of conscience” that motivated his decision. “I see no reason why taxpayers should be forced to fund research into unproven technologies and using methods they may find morally repugnant,” the President said. “Sacrificing embryos to obtain stem cells is one thing. Sacrificing adults goes beyond what I think is tolerable for a civilized society.”

The President pointed out that “those who believe in adult stem cell research are still free, as were the advocates of embryonic stem cell research, to pursue private sector sources of funding. All I am doing is cutting off access to public monies for this nefarious practice. The ‘shoe is now on the other foot.’ Get used to it.”

In related news, Chairman of the National Governors Association, Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell (D) complained that Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele’s position on abortion “is plagiarizing a long-held Democratic stand on this issue.” “The ‘personally pro-life, but politically pro-choice’ finesse has been a staple of the Democratic Party for decades,” Rendell asserted. “How dare he poach on our turf? Has he no respect for the rights of others?”

President to “Reach Out” to Moderate Taliban

President Obama indicated that “since we are losing the war in Afghanistan, we will need to make accommodation with the more moderate elements of the winning side. While hard-liners in the United States would like to portray all Taliban as incorrigible religious fanatics, I believe there is some room for hope.”

“My staff has advised me that they have established contacts with Taliban leaders who have less extreme views,” Obama said. “For example, some of the more moderate views seem to suggest that Islamic law could be fulfilled with mere disfigurement for errant women and the amputation of tongues rather than beheading for first-time blasphemers. We need to show these moderates that there would be benefit in their making a deal with the United States.”

Qari Mohammad Yousuf, a spokesman for the Afghan Taliban, derided the notion that there is such a thing as a “moderate” Muslim as “illogical.” “We are united behind one aim, one policy—restore the world to Islam for Allah,” Yousuf declared. “If the American president is confused on this point perhaps it will work to our advantage.”