Senator Says Chief Justice Roberts Dishonest
 

March 28, 2009

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) expressed dismay that the senate approved the nomination of John Roberts to the Supreme Court in 2005.

“He didn’t give us a true picture of his radical views during the confirmation hearings,” Reid complained. “We thought he’d be more moderate in his opinions. Instead, he has rigidly relied on a literal reading of the Constitution in too many of his rulings.”

Reid declined to cite any specific examples in Roberts’ testimony in the senate hearings that led him to conclude that Roberts was a “moderate” or had been untruthful in any of his answers. Reid alleged that while he was “too smart” to be fooled and had, in fact, voted against confirming Roberts, “the same can’t be said for the majority of my colleagues,” Reid said, calling the “vast majority” of his fellow senators “mostly ill-informed, generally lazy and not that bright.”

Reid said he was looking into the possibility of rescinding the confirmations of Justices Roberts, Alito, Thomas, and Scalia to keep them from “impeding the progressive agenda our Party has laid out to address the economic crisis.” “We need men of vision and flexibility on the court, men who will help adapt the laws to the needs of a 21^st century society,” Reid said. “Hope and change must replace stale recitation of archaic phrases from a 200 year-old piece of paper.”

Minnesota Legislature Weighing Bill to “Decriminalize” Crime

Faced with a state budget deficit of over $4 billion, Minnesota Democrats are drafting a so-called “Miscellaneous Criminal Justice System Changes” bill that would “decriminalize” a number of offenses, replacing prison sentences with fines and providing for early release of current prison inmates.

“Putting and keeping people in jail costs the state money,” said bill proponent Senator Mee Moua (D-St. Paul). “We need a better system, one that will help reduce the burden of incarceration and bring more revenue into the state treasury.”

Moua said she got the idea for decriminalizing what she called minor offenses—shoplifting, fencing stolen property and drunk driving—from the photo radar program. “The photo enforcement of traffic laws has been a gold mine for state and local governments because it doesn’t impose harsh penalties,” Moua asserted. “No points toward the revocation of drivers’ licenses are assessed. The drivers are free to repeatedly violate the law and, most importantly, be hit with additional fines.”

“Under my bill, thieves would simply pay a fine,” Moua continued. “No criminal record would be established. The state would escape the costs of incarcerating them. They would be free to steal again and be repeatedly fined, establishing a fresh revenue source to the government. In addition, some of those inmates gaining early release are likely to be repeat offenders AND, if I may be so bold to say, new fine payers.”

Under the terms of the bill, stolen property would not be returned to the victims of theft as this “would tend to inhibit the cash flow expected from the new policy,” Moua argued. “There has to be a sufficient incentive for people to participate in the program if we hope to garner a significant increase in revenue.”

Obama Plan Would Pay Taliban and al Qaeda to Behave

Citing intelligence warning that al Qaeda is plotting new attacks on the US from safe havens within Pakistan, President Barack Obama unveiled what he characterized as “a bold and innovative new plan” for dealing with America’s enemies. Basically, we will pay them to behave themselves. Under his plan, the US will funnel an additional $1.5 billion a year to the Pakistani government for them to use to purchase the good behavior of hostile elements within their borders.

The President said he has great confidence in this approach “because it has worked for me in the past. As a kid growing up I found that by paying relatively small amounts of money to the right people I could avoid being injured. Similarly, I discovered that a modest amount of money placed in the right hands worked wonders in Chicago politics.”

Pakistan's president, Asif Ali Zardari, praised Obama’s call for congress to authorize what he termed “an annual protection stipend.” “We have used this approach ourselves to help divert hostilities elsewhere,” Zardari declared. “Without the regular payments to al Qaeda, it could’ve been Islamabad that was attacked last year, rather than Mumbai. However, demands have been escalating and we are running low on funds. This new infusion of cash is much needed.”

President Irked by Criticism from Catholic Bishops

The latest round of criticism aimed at his pro-abortion nominee for Secretary of Health and Human Services, Governor Kathleen Sebelius (D-Kansas), shows signs of getting under President Obama’s skin.

“The last thing we need is priests meddling in politics,” Obama is reported to have groused by a source wishing to remain anonymous. “Haven’t they heard of ‘separation of church and state?’”

The President is said to be especially puzzled by the declaration that Catholic politicians who support abortion be denied Holy Communion. “Why can’t they accept an honest difference of opinion?” Obama asked. “And even if the priests think it’s a sin, why can’t they just forgive and turn the other cheek as Jesus advised? We may have to consider a broader application of the ‘Connecticut solution.’”

The “Connecticut solution” is believed to refer to a bill that calls for the reorganization of the Catholic Church in that state. Most notably, the bill would require Catholic churches in the state to have a board of directors made up of 7 to 13 lay members elected by the congregation. “We live in a democracy,” said bill sponsor, Senator Andrew McDonald (D-Stamford). “Important institutions, like the Catholic Church ought to conform to the core value of democracy—that all important decisions should be made by a vote of the people.”

In related news, MSNBC pundit, Chris Matthews labeled the pro-life opposition to Sebelius’ nomination “terrorism of the worst sort.” “We had an election to decide this issue,” Matthews argued. “Pro-choice won. It’s time for these anti-choice people to shut up and accept the policies chosen by their fellow citizens.”

Limits on Charitable Deductions Inspired by Research

The Obama Administration’s proposal to restrict the deductions from income taxes for charitable donations is said to have been inspired by research conducted by Arthur Brooks, a professor at Syracuse University, and published in his book Who Really Cares: The Surprising Truth About Compassionate Conservatism. The basic finding of the research is that hard-hearted conservatives donate more to charity than bleeding-heart liberals.

“The very fact that so-called conservatives donate more should be enough to raise anyone’s suspicions about the equity of allowing these tax deductions,” said White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel. “I mean, when have these people every placed the well-being of others ahead of themselves.”

“When you think about it, tax deductions for charitable giving are an anarchic method of distributing the nation’s wealth,” Emanuel continued. “By changing the tax code we will be reducing the scope of personal giving and ensuring that more of each taxpayer’s income flows to the government. That way we can achieve a more controlled and better organized distribution of the nation’s bounty.”

California Getting Serious about Combating Global Warming

In a move some are calling “inspired,” the California legislature is considering legislation outlawing the color black. The ban would apply to items used out-of-doors during daylight hours.

“Black is an absorber of heat,” Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger (R) explained. “Black cars, black clothing, black roofing—all accumulate heat and worsen global warming. It is foolish of us to continue to inflict this extra burden on our climate when there are so many other attractive colors we can use instead.”

The Governor urged his fellow Californians to get behind the legislation and “set a good example by choosing pale hues whenever possible. We don’t want to have to revisit this issue because people are merely shifting to other dark colors like navy blue or forest green. These are almost as bad as black.”

“You we still be free to wear black clothing indoors or at night,” Schwarzenegger reassured voters. “And black cars may also be driven at night, but should be kept in a garage or under a carport whenever the sun is out.”