President Apologizes to Europe
 

April 4, 2009

“I am told by my advisors that the United States’ Army twice invaded the European continent during the 20^th century, obliterating many cities by aerial bombardment, and destroying many precious artifacts” Obama said. “For this, let me express my sincere regrets on behalf of the American people.”

The President said he was shocked and appalled to learn that the US still has troops and weapons stationed in Europe. “The continued occupation of what should be sovereign nations is, indeed, a stain I will endeavor to scrub clean,” Obama promised. “We have bullied these people for far too long. It is time to make amends.”

Russian President Dmitry Medvedev called Obama “my new comrade” and praised the US President’s remarks as “long overdue, but welcome, nonetheless.” “While I think Mr. Obama may have gone a bit overboard apologizing for the initial invasions of American troops, I think he is right on target regarding the continued presence of both American troops and missiles in Europe,” Medvedev observed. “We eagerly anticipate the remedying of this continuing unwelcome intrusion into European affairs.”

Obama Efforts to Displace French President Rankle Sarkozy

Not all are enamored with President Barack Obama’s efforts to change US policy toward Europe. Especially miffed is French President Nicolas Sarkozy who expressed opposition and resentment over Obama’s attempt to oust him by naming his predecessor Jacques Chirac as the man he wanted to negotiate with on matters of state.

For his part, Obama said he wasn’t trying to dictate who should be France’s president. “I tried to get this done through private communication and persuasion,” Obama explained. “I just thought that given our respective views, the relations between our two countries would proceed more smoothly if Chirac were to retake the helm of the French Republic.”

Obama admitted he was unfamiliar with how the president of France is chosen. “It’s always seemed like a ‘musical chairs’ system to me,” Obama mused. “It’s not like there are regular elections at set intervals like we have. A different guy seems to be in charge every few months in these European countries. It’s very confusing and hard to follow.”

Apparently adding to the confusion was Obama’s impression that the people of France had endorsed his program of hope and change—giving him “a mandate to make some adjustments in governance when and where needed to implement the global transformation I’ve been promising to everyone.”

GOP to Overlook Sebelius’ Tax Trouble

Like so many other nominees for his cabinet, it turns out that would-be Secretary of Health and Human Services Governor Kathleen Sebelius (D-Ks.) neglected to pay some of her income taxes. In this case, the amount of underpayment was a relatively modest $7,000.

“Compared to the previous nominee’s $100,000 tax evasion, this is peanuts,” declared Senator Charles Grassley (R-Iowa) the top ranked Republican minority member on the Senate Finance Committee. “Besides, when you get right down to it, the tax code is so complicated and rapacious. Can we really blame anyone for trying to hold onto more of their own money? In a way, I kind of have to admire those willing to try to starve the ‘beast’ by fudging figures on their 1040s. It’s a kind of guerilla action reminiscent of Ethan Allen in the American Revolution.”

Criticism of GM CEO Firing Downplayed

The President’s Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs said Republicans were over reacting to his boss’s firing of General Motors Chairman, Rick Wagoner.

“I’ll admit that the idea of the President of the United States dictating who will run a private business is kind of unusual, at least in the context of American history,” Gibbs allowed. “But to call this socialism or to draw parallels with Mussolini’s fascist government is, thus far, unwarranted.”

Gibbs said “As a matter of fact, Wagoner and his right wing pals are getting off easy. There was considerable support in congress for declaring him an enemy of the state and placing him under arrest for his egregious waste of the people’s resources by mismanaging this once great company.”

The Press Secretary dismissed the argument that as a co-maker of the GM financial disaster, United Auto Workers Union head Ron Gettelfinger ought to be similarly knocked from his post. “When it came time to take sides last election, Gettelfinger chose more wisely than Wagoner,” Gibbs explained. “The President doesn’t dump on his friends or allies.”

UN Council Votes to Ban Criticism of Religion

The U.N. Human Rights Council adopted a resolution put forward by Pakistan declaring that Muslims be protected from criticism of their religion. Under the terms of the resolution, UN member nations are now expected to enact laws providing “protection against acts of hatred, discrimination, intimidation and coercion resulting from defamation of religions and incitement to religious hatred in general.”

A specific defamation cited in the resolution was the association of Islam with acts of murder and terror. Pakistan’s UN Representative Abdullah Hussain Haroon argued that “applying terms like murder and terror to the righteous efforts of Muslims to fulfill the will of Allah is the uncomprehending blather of unbelievers. Fighting on behalf of God is as important to a Muslim as communion is to a Christian. Muslims should not be mocked or reviled for it.”

In related news, a Taliban spokesman has declared President Obama a “lunatic” and named him to leadership of their movement to spread Islam. “Obama doesn’t think like an infidel,” said Taliban spokesman Zabihullah Mujahid. “His assertion that there is a ‘moderate’ Taliban is inspired takiya. We are awaiting further inspiring words and instructions from our new leader.”

“Earth Hour” Fails to Dim Al Gore’s Lights

On Saturday, March 28, the world was supposed to show its solidarity in fighting global warming by turning off electrical appliances between the hours of 8 and 9 p.m., local time. This did not happen at former vice-president Al Gore’s household, where lights blazed both indoors and out for the entire hour.

This failure to participate by the world’s foremost global warming guru stirred consternation among “Greens” around the planet. “It sets a bad example when your leader exempts himself from the demonstration,” said Environmental Defense Fund member, Eve Pureheart. “What will the self-serving enemies of the Earth make of this? Nothing good I’d wager.”

The former vice-president sought to reassure his apostles by explaining that “I could argue that as the most important person at this point in history, the energy I consume is a price well worth paying to save the planet. But I’ve done better than that. I’ve bought sufficient carbon offsets from Generation Investment Management to cover whatever size carbon footprint I might create.”

Generation Investment Management is a company that buys and sells carbon offset certificates. Gore is a part owner and serves as chairman of the corporation.

Murtha Defends Corruption

Representative John Murtha (D-Pa.) defended bilking American taxpayers for ill-conceived earmarked projects as “a sharing of the spoils.”

“Look, we all know that a major activity of government is to transfer wealth from some in order to benefit others,” Murtha contended. “If I don’t use my authority to rip off the taxpayers in other districts, their representatives will do it to my constituents. My obligation is to those who elected me. Sharing the loot with them is my sacred duty.”

“Murtha may be a crook, but he’s our crook,” said Joe Kradzież, a local Democratic Party precinct committeeman. “As long as he brings home the bacon he’s golden in our eyes.”