The recent attempted hijacking of an American flagged vessel in the waters off Somalia elicited a promise of “stern countermeasures” from the Obama Administration in order to prevent a recurrence of these attacks.

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs explained that the President has outlined a two-phased approach.

“In phase-one, the pirates will be subjected to severe monitoring,” Gibbs asserted. “If this proves an insufficient deterrent, the United States will be forced to move to phase-two—unconstrained talk. I don’t think I have to remind anyone that the president is a man of unparalleled eloquence. These miscreants would be well-advised not to test him on this. The consequences wouldn’t be pretty.”

Gibbs admonished those who have criticized the president’s “silence” on the pirate issue thus far to “back off.” “We don’t need advocates for premature escalation in this tense situation,” Gibbs said. “Let’s give monitoring a chance to work before we launch the president’s verbal barrage.”

Bristling at accusations that the administration’s policy is essentially a “do nothing” plan, Gibbs pointed that “we’ve already authorized the expedited transportation of grief counselors to the scene of the stand-off.”

House Speaker Outlines Gun Control Plan

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) indicated that congress will be taking steps to institute more government control over citizens’ possession of firearms in order to overturn recent Supreme Court decisions that have made it easier for people to obtain these weapons.

“We aren’t contemplating any immediate moves to confiscate guns,” Pelosi reassured. “But we need to be ready to act if we have to.”

“Right now, the plan is to implement nationwide gun registration,” Pelosi continued. “That way, if further steps become necessary we will be in a better position to implement them.”

Pelosi said that “all the legitimate purposes for which people want to own guns—hunting, sport shooting, antique collecting—will be protected. It’s the illegitimate purposes we need to prohibit.”

An example of what might be prohibited is so-called “concealed carry.” Pelosi flatly rejected the argument that people would ever need a gun for self-defense.

“Our police have the responsibility and the skills to provide for everyone’s personal defense,” she contended. “The average person lacks the training and judgment to properly use a firearm for self-defense. By banning such uses, the police will be free to presume that anyone who is armed is a legitimate target in an emergency. This will be safer for all innocent parties in these situations.”

Voters’ Support for Socialism Said to Be Growing

In a recently released survey of voter opinion, socialism was the preferred form of socioeconomic organization for 20% of the respondents. While this compared to the 53% favoring capitalism may seem small, it is, nevertheless growing. A similar survey conducted last December showed relative percentages of 15% for socialism and 70% for capitalism. The “undecideds” also rose from December’s 15 percent to the recent 27 percent.

White House Chief of Staff, Rahm Emmanuel called the trend “encouraging.” “After only three months in office we are making good headway in transforming the country along the lines promised by the President during his campaign,” he said. “The economic crisis has opened up a once-in-a-generation opportunity to accomplish things we could only dream about before.”

However, whether this latest survey is a true measure of changing sentiment may be muddled by the way in which the terms were defined for the poll respondents. Capitalism was said to be “a system in which wealthy corporate robber barons expropriate the labor of the masses and pollute the planet for their own selfish interests.” In contrast, socialism was defined as “a system in which all work cooperatively in environmentally-friendly ways for the benefit of humanity and all other living creatures.”

Ahmadinejad Says Iran Can Deal with Obama

Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says recent demonstrations of respect by U.S. President Barack Obama have convinced him that “Obama is someone we can work with.”

The recent “demonstrations of respect” cited by Ahmadinejad included Obama’s bow to Saudi’s King Abdullah Bin Abdul Aziz at the G-20 summit and Obama’s announcement on al-Jazeera TV that he is a Muslim.

“These are important concessions to Islam’s superiority,” Ahmadinejad observed. “It would be ill-mannered of us to rebuff such penance from a sincere supplicant.”

“A first order of business will be to suggest that Iran would be a safe repository for the nuclear arms Mr. Obama seeks to decommission,” Ahmadinejad offered.

In related news, Syria's Foreign Minister, Walid Moallem praised what he characterized as President Obama's “pledge to end Israeli occupation of Palestine and banish, once-and-for-all, the long-running pestiferous Jewish presence in Muslim lands. These are words we have waited a long time to hear from an American leader.”

Gibbs Justifies Flying Chef from St. Louis

With many top notch pizza restaurants in the Washington DC area, people have been questioning the propriety of flying a chef all the way from St. Louis to bake 20 pizzas for a bash thrown at the White House by President Barack Obama. The added expense during these times of financial crisis strikes observers as unnecessarily ostentatious.

“Well, you know that the President is the ruler of all the United States,” Press Secretary Robert Gibbs reminded critics. “It is his prerogative to exploit all of the resources of the realm. It just so happens that he took a fancy to the pizzas prepared by Mr. Sommers during a campaign stop in St. Louis last Fall.”

Gibbs took issue with contentions that the President should have to settle for anything but the best. “He’s the leader of the free world,” Gibbs declared. “He could fly someone in from Italy if he wanted. He’s got the hardest job in America. That ought to entitle him to a few perks.”

There may be other symbolism at work. The specific pizza requested was the “Hyde Park,” which is topped with chicken and hot sauce. Wags are suggesting that this pizza is meant to convey the Administration’s foreign policy shift from that of the Bush Administration.

Members of Congress Laud Castro

Key members of the Congressional Black Caucus (CBC) who visited Cuba called their meeting with dictator Fidel Castro “exhilarating,” “very informative,” and “the opportunity of a lifetime.”

CBC Chairwoman Barbara Lee (D-Calif) praised Castro as “an extraordinarily warm person. He rose to greet me, kissed my hand and offered me the very chair he had been sitting in when we first entered the room. This is not the behavior of a mass murderer. Clearly Castro has been maligned by his right-wing critics.”

Representative Bobby Rush (D-Ill.) compared his conversation with Castro to “talking with an old friend. The story of his desperate struggle to build socialism in the face of persistent sabotage from capitalist stooges was enthralling. His vigilance and pro-active measures to thwart opposition at the earliest stages is a model we could learn a lot from in our battle to transform America.”

Representative Laura Richardson (D-Calif.) said she was convinced that “Castro and President Obama are on the same page when it comes to a vision of what the future holds for humankind. Fidel told me he would do whatever he can to help ensure that President Obama succeeds in his mission.” Richardson contrasted Castro’s pledge of aid with Rush Limbaugh’s widely reported hope that Obama fails and asked “who is the anti-American in this picture?”

Electoral College Reform Movement Unveils New Argument

National Popular Vote (NPV), a California-based group formed in 2006 to persuade states to join a compact to award their electoral votes to the winner of the nationwide popular vote tally for president, unveiled a new and potent argument on behalf of the proposed reform.

“An overlooked benefit for many so-called ‘battleground states’ will be the reduction of candidate visits to their states,” said John Koza, chairman of NPV. “If the popular vote were the decisive factor, candidates would spend more time in the denser parts of the nation. Other communities wouldn’t be worth a visit. They’d be spared the nauseating presence of these loathsome hucksters invading and disrupting their lives. Surely that’s more of a benefit than the hope that their state’s piddling few electoral votes might sway the outcome.”