U.N. Says U.S. Obligated to Prosecute Those Complicit in Torture
 

April 25, 2009

Manfred Nowak, who serves as a U.N. specialist on torture, said that now that the Obama Administration has released documents admitting that the U.S. government tortured prisoners held at Gitmo, it is obligated under the U.N. Convention against Torture to follow through with prosecution of those complicit in these war crimes.

“All who knew of the torture had both the moral and legal responsibility to take action against it,” Nowak said. “This includes not only those who carried out the heinous acts of torment, but also everyone in the chain of authority. President Bush, as the head-of-state most assuredly would be in line for charges. But so, too, would those members of congress who were briefed, but did nothing to try to stop it.”

The notion that members of congress could also be prosecuted was supported by Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC). “Those eager to pillory President Bush and the lawyers who wrote the memos supporting ‘enhanced interrogation’ now weren’t offering different opinions when we were briefed,” Graham recalled. “We can’t really claim ignorance of the law. Most of the members of congress are lawyers.”

Graham went on to characterize House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s nuanced claim to innocence based on the theory that she had only been briefed on the possibility that these techniques might be used and not on their actual use as “implausible beyond belief.” “The only way that would fly is for her to establish herself as legally ‘non compos mentis,’” Graham pointed out.

In related news, President Obama asked a federal court to throw out a class action lawsuit by those taken hostage when the US Embassy in Iran was seized in 1979. “We can’t move forward if we insist on holding grudges for events that occurred long ago,” Obama said. “I need a free hand in my dealings with the current government of Iran. The tiny number of aggrieved persons must stand aside for the greater good of the nation.”

Clinton Warns Israel

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton issued a stern warning to Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu's government that its continued opposition to the creation of a Palestinian state risks alienating its Middle East neighbors.

“Friendly relations require compromises,” Clinton declared. “You’ve got to be willing to bend a little in order to show good faith.”

Clinton contended that the Palestinians had already made the first gesture of good faith by promising not to use any of the US aid being provided by the Obama Administration to fund future attacks on Israel. “They have given their word that only weapons supplied by Israel’s long-standing traditional enemies will be used in upcoming efforts to dislodge the Jews from their land,” Clinton announced. “It would be ill-advised for Israel to spurn this softening of hostilities.”

More ominous was the Secretary’s reminder that “President Obama has expressed his willingness to send US troops, if necessary, to see to it that Israel yields the territory needed to establish a Palestinian state.”

In related news, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that any Israeli action against Iran’s nuclear program would be “an atrocity unmatched in recorded history.” “The Jews claim that the so-called holocaust was a great crime,” Ahmadinejad said. “But the measures taken by Germany targeted a small minority that was guilty of gross transgressions against the civilized world. Striking at our peaceful nuclear program would harm an entire people.”

Iran Objects to Clinton “Tone of Voice”

Iran’s Expediency Council Chairman, Akbar Hashemi Rafsanjani, urged President Obama to choose another Secretary of State because “Mrs. Clinton’s tone is strident, grating and disrespectful. It is easy to see why her husband sought comfort from another woman.”

Rafsanjani contended that “there is no chance for improving the relations between our two countries as long as this harpy continues to screech at us. It was bad enough that Bush humiliated the entire Muslim world by naming a female as its chief diplomat. But Mrs. Clinton is like the insolent wife who must be beaten regularly in order that her master may attain the peace of silence in his household.”

Obama Gives Self an A+ for First 100 Days

Bubbling with self confidence, President Barack Obama gave himself a laudatory assessment of his first 100 days in office.

“I would have to say that, in my view, this has got to be the most outstanding performance ever for a new administration,” Obama boasted. “I’ve assembled a top notch team that has helped me make strides in every important sector. I’ve calmed the troubled waters of foreign policy. I’ve set in motion initiatives that will restore the economy to health. I’ve begun the steps necessary to achieve social justice.”

The president acknowledged that it is possible that “the depths of depravity plumbed by the previous administration may have colored my judgment a bit. It’s easy to look good in contrast to criminals and incompetents who waged wars of aggression against the innocent, wrecked the economy with feckless spending, and continued the policy of racial injustice that has stained this nation’s history.”

Clinton Says U.S. Losing Ground to China in Third World

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton asserted that the U.S. is losing ground in the Third World because of “our inability to break free from our own greed.”

“The United States is the wealthiest nation on earth, yet we are neglecting our duty to share that wealth with the less fortunate,” Clinton exclaimed. “Americans indulge themselves with luxurious homes, fancy cars, lavish entertainment and the like at the expense of the poor. This has led the former recipients of U.S. foreign aid to transfer their allegiance to China.”

The Secretary called upon the American people to “make the sacrifices that are necessary to restore this country’s influence around the world. We have an obligation to those who have become dependent upon American aid to continue to provide support.”

Clinton asked congress to boost appropriations for foreign aid “so America can take the lead in ensuring a more equitable distribution of wealth among the nations of the world.” She reassured congress that the burdens wouldn’t become excessive because “the Obama Administration is assiduously battling overpopulation by generously funding ‘reproductive controls,’ including removing Bush Administration restrictions on using U.S. aid money for abortions.”

The prospect for such a boost in foreign aid seems favorable. A recent Rasmussen poll indicated that a majority of the members of congress think that U.S. citizens could easily afford to pay more taxes.

Zimbabwe's Central Bank Raids Private Bank Accounts

Zimbabwe's Central Bank Governor, Gideon Gono, said the central bank has taken funds from private accounts to help cover the government’s deficit.

“The private property of the few cannot be allowed to impede the government from meeting the needs of the many,” Gono explained. “We have already taxed everything that can be taxed. We have already tried inflating our way out of financial difficulty. We were at our wits end when someone pointed out that many foreign firms had deposits in our banks and that there was nothing they could do to stop us from taking this money.”

Gono stressed that this confiscation would enable the country to get a fresh start. “Now that everyone is broke the world is born anew,” Gono proclaimed. “Everyone and every entity starts at zero. There will be no private enclaves with resources to counter the government’s control over the economy.”

US Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner characterized the move as “radical and intriguing.”

British Police Begin Crack Down on Eateries

In a new initiative to combat growing obesity, the British government has launched an offensive against restaurants whose food is deemed “too tasty” or “too convenient.” Offending establishments are being given orders to shut down.

“Since the very beginnings of the British nation we have always relied upon the inconvenience and unpalatable nature of traditional English foods to help us win the battle of the bulge,” said U.K. Under-Secretary for Health, Nigel Bland. “Kippers, kidney pie and boiled beef were things we ate to keep from starving. They are difficult to prepare and nobody pigged out on such hard to swallow comestibles. But places like the Jamaican Cafe in East London have dangerously broken with British tradition by offering customers quick and scrumptious meals.”