Sunstein said his staff will develop algorithms that identify bias and prescribe a required word count of opposing views that must be published. “Sites that cannot or will not comply will simply be shut down,” he vowed.

In support of Obama’s bid for more control over the Internet, congress has introduced a bill that would authorize the President to “seize control over this medium, prescribe content, and terminate access for any party if he declares that it is in the public interest to do so.”

President Says “Empathy” Is Key Attribute He Is seeking in Supreme Court Appointment

News that Supreme Court Justice David Souter will be stepping down after the conclusion of the current session has sparked widespread speculation on who the President will nominate to replace him. While declining to name names, President Obama did say that the key factor that will guide his choice is empathy.

“Those on the right have a vision that a judge should be an arbiter of the law, a sort of ‘umpire’ of life to make sure everyone abides by the rules,” Obama said. “That’s not how I see it. The rules aren’t always fair. We need judges who will take this into account in order to achieve a higher justice.”

“For example, take the case of the teen age girl who faces an unwanted pregnancy,” Obama offered. “Should a few moments of pleasure condemn her to the physical and psychological burdens of motherhood just because some state law limits the circumstances under which she can obtain an abortion? Should her life be ruined because of one mistake? We need judges who will empathize with her, not men who will cruelly destroy her life merely because of some words written on some paper.”

Biden Advises against Going out in Public During Flu Scare

Vice-President Joe Biden advised Americans to stay inside their homes to avoid unnecessary exposure to the swine flu virus.

“There is no need to take the risk of venturing outdoors,” Biden said. “The world can easily get on without you. If you need something, send one of your servants out to get it.”

The Vice-President explained that over the years he has from time-to-time “holed up in my house. When I eventually emerged I found out that things had gotten on pretty well without my efforts. So, I say, better safe than sorry.”

President Asks Cabinet to “Try to Find” $100 Million in Budget Cuts

Stung by criticism that his spending program will bankrupt the country, President Barack Obama promised to “put the screws to the bureaucracy” by asking his cabinet heads to “try to find, if you can, either a way to cut $100 million from the operating budget or to plausibly justify why it is impossible.”

Despite skepticism in many circles, the President said he was optimistic “we can get this done, probably.”

One idea gaining favor is to send out Social Security checks “postage due.” “It would save the government only 42 cents per mailing,” Obama admitted, “But there are millions of mailings every month and, you know, the $100 million we’re trying to cut comes to only 35 cents per American. So, surely we can squeeze this much out of the budget, I hope.”

Michelle Obama Urges Young People to Shun “Money-Making” Careers

First Lady, Michelle Obama urged young people to forego career choices focused on making money. Instead, she counseled them to dedicate their lives to “giving money.”

“The days of grubbing for the almighty dollar are past,” she declared. “A new age of giving has dawned.”

The First Lady held out her husband and herself as the best models for emulation. “Barack and I have spent our lives working toward a more equitable distribution of wealth in this country,” she boasted. “Achieving this goal will be the main theme of our administration. Those who come onboard with us will be amply rewarded.”

Mrs. Obama warned against greedy impulses. “Those who would seek to profit by catering to consumerism should be aware that the entire salary structure of the nation is going to be revised,” she added. “Rewards will be meted out in proportion to a person’s service to humanity. Barack will see to that.”

President Hopes to Broker Pro-Life/Pro-Choice Compromise

President Barack Obama expressed hope that his administration would be the one that brings an end the rancorous contention over the abortion issue. “If these so-called pro-life advocates could put aside their anger and meet me halfway on a compromise solution he can end this long running battle,” he said.

The President suggested that a possible framework for a compromise would entail permitting abortions, but increasing government spending on methods to reduce pregnancies. “If we make condoms free for the asking, I think we can significantly reduce the number of abortions,” Obama observed. “If we can prevent conception at the outset, we won’t have to deal with the problem of having to eliminate fetuses later.”

In related news, the President contended that the characterization of him as “pro-abortion” by many on the political right is inaccurate. “Anti-pro-life would be a more apt description of my views on this controversial matter,” he argued.

Gore Rebuts Claims that “Cap-and-Trade” Will Harm Economy

Environmental guru, former vice-president Al Gore, dismissed Republican claims that the so-called “cap-and-trade” legislation working its way through congress will be harmful to the economy.

“I am living proof that ‘green’ policies are economically beneficial,” Gore said. “Since leaving the vice-presidency I’ve made $100 million from my efforts on behalf of the planet’s environment. This dwarfs the piddling $3,000 in higher annual costs that each family will have to pay for energy under the proposed legislation.”

Gore argued that “channeling more wealth to those taking an environmentally responsible stance is a good incentive for inducing people to make the proper choices” and suggested that “families pinched by higher energy costs could save money by getting rid of that second car or putting a household servant on half-pay.”

Clinton Says Administration Discarding “Bush Doctrine”

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced that the Obama Administration has formally rejected the so-called “Bush Doctrine.”

“The Bush Administration’s notion that those who aid and abet attacks on the United States are necessarily enemies of America is, like the man himself, rigid and simplistic,” Clinton asserted. “We are going to take a more nuanced approach that reflects the complex realities of the post-war-on-terror era.”

Clinton cited the Administration’s decision to provide foreign aid to Hamas and the Palestinian government as a demonstration of the new approach. “These people have opposed our interests and attacked our Israeli ally, but the idea behind the aid is that once they’re on our payroll we’ll gain the kind of leverage to influence their policies that the Bush Administration never had,” Clinton bragged. “Case in point, Hamas has already promised to launder the money we give them before it can be used to buy weapons. This extra step will slow the process of making war and give us more time to make peace.”

In related news, President Obama sent a message of congratulation to the Israeli government on its 61^st birthday and added that “it might be time to think about retirement and moving to Miami. There’s a large Jewish enclave there. I think you’d feel quite at home. And if everyone goes it will ease tensions in the Middle East.”