First Lady Says She and Obama will Transform American Families
 

May 9, 2009

Observing that there are many inequities among families in America, First Lady, Michelle Obama promised that “relief is on the way.”

“The average American family is oppressed by responsibilities and harried by the need to put food on the table, to tend to children and sundry other burdensome tasks,” Mrs. Obama declared. “Everyone knows it takes a village to raise a family. Well, Barack is the village’s chief. He and I will chart a plan for domestic liberation.”

Though the details of this “liberation” are still sketchy, a few elements were outlined by the First Lady.

“First, households should have personal assistants, like Barack and I have, to relieve mothers from the drudgery of cooking, cleaning, and babysitting,” she said. “And fathers shouldn’t be forced into wage-slavery in order to provide for their families. They should be free to spend time with their families.”

Funding for the family personal assistants and time off work would be part of the “second stimulus package” currently being cobbled together by the Administration.

“The job of ‘personal assistant’ would be an ideal experience for the members of the ‘Obama Youth Corps,’” Mrs. Obama said. “And the 9% unemployment gives us another cadre of able bodies we can plug into the program. As more fathers take time off work to be with their families, it will create openings that can be filled by the unemployed.”

Apprised that there are over 100 million households and only 14 million unemployed—numbers that would seem to render the idea of a personal assistant for each family infeasible, the First Lady suggested that “comprehensive immigration reform should ease this problem somewhat. And screening American families to see that the most deserving go to the head of the line will ensure an equitable distribution of this resource. By the time we’re finished, 20^th century families will be transformed into 21^st century families.”

President Proposes “People’s Credit” Solution to Countries Financial Troubles

With mega financial institutions teetering on the brink of insolvency, President Barack Obama is proposing what he calls a “people’s credit” solution. In a “town hall” meeting to be held later in the week, the President is expected to ask Americans to “step up to the plate” and put their share of the federal deficit on their credit cards.

The President said that “when you do the math, this year’s trillion dollar deficit works out to a modest $10,000 per household. Since most households have more than one credit card, the amount per card may be half this or less. So, I think this is doable.”

“What’s more, by using one card to make the payment on another card the debt can be perpetually deferred,” Obama gloated. “It’s like we’ve discovered a cache of new money—a virtual buried pirates’ treasure we didn’t realize we had.”

A byproduct of the plan according to the President is that “it will absorb credit that most card holders are only using to buy frivolous junk. My plan will cut into this waste of scarce resources on nonessential spending.”

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner promised to use the government’s leverage over banking regulations to ensure that both financial institutions and individual card holders cooperate with the President’s plan.

Former DNC Chair Says Americans Have Had Enough of Capitalism

Former Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean, in a bold effort to try to attain political relevance for himself, declared that “the capitalists have done sufficient damage to the economy and the American people have had enough.”

“Everyone I’ve talked to in the last four months is fed up with letting big business loot the country,” Dean proclaimed. “They all think its time the government took its turn.”

Dean argued that “we need higher taxes on incomes, profits, energy, property—whatever it takes to wrest wealth from the hands of the profiteers and give it over to ‘social control.’ For far too long, the government has been starved while businesses and individuals have squandered the people’s resources on foolish pursuit of private gain or personal comfort. Changing this is what the Democratic Party has promised to American voters.”

In related news, the Obama Administration announced plans to boost estate taxes by up to $60 billion. The move is rationalized on the basis that “the dead don’t need this money and the heirs don’t really deserve it.”

FCC Plans Affirmative Action Assault on Talk Radio

The Federal Communications Commission has opted to assail right-wing dominated talk radio by attacking its lack of appropriate racial, ethnic and gender diversity.

“There’s no valid reason for talk radio to be dominated by white males,” said acting FCC Director, Michael Copps. “It’s not like there aren’t any qualified black, female, homosexual, or transgendered persons who could do a credible job as a host. So, we’re going to be taking a close look at the composition of the line-ups on talk networks and crack down on those that aren’t adequately diversified.”

Copps warned that “the FCC won’t settle for ‘tokenism.’ Stations won’t be able to throw in some gay, transgendered communist in the 2 a.m. time slot and say they’ve balanced with the Limbaugh show. They’re going to need to show comparable numbers of listeners have heard these diverse viewpoints.”

North Korean Government Warned

The Obama Administration issued its sternest warning yet against any further nuclear detonations by the Pyongyang regime.

“If the North Koreans decide to carry out a second nuclear test, we will deal with the consequences of that, and there will be consequences,” Stephen Bosworth, senior U.S. nuclear envoy, vowed.

First on the list of consequences according to Bosworth will be for the US to discontinue its practice of providing pastries at the ongoing negotiations with the regime. “This is one of the steps I’ve already been authorized to undertake without sending it up the line for the President’s approval,” Bosworth explained. “I’m also seeking authorization to withhold serving tea if this initial step fails to bring them into line.”

Bosworth hinted that even if he can’t get permission to withhold the tea he could, on his own initiative, “accidentally” serve it tepid or even spill some on the North Korean delegation. “Make no mistake, I am determined to bring them into compliance, no matter how ruthless I have to be,” Bosworth said.

State Senator Refuses to Pay Mortgage

New York state senator Kevin Parker (D-Brooklyn) has not made payments on his $488,000 mortgage in over a year. The Senator declared it was not a matter of financial difficulty, but a matter of principle.

“I am a duly elected representative of the people,” Parker pointed out. “The people’s representatives need accommodations appropriate to their status as members of the governing class. The bank’s interest in profiting from the loan must be subservient to this greater purpose.”

Parker cited both “eminent domain” and “sovereign immunity” as the legal justification for his refusal to make payments. “Under eminent domain, the government may take property to be used for a public purpose,” Parker contended. “The provision of housing for a member of the government is as public a purpose as condemning private property to build a shopping mall or baseball stadium.”

“Under sovereign immunity, members of the government are exempt from laws that apply to ordinary citizens,” Parker added. “Our duty to govern cannot be impinged by rules meant to regulate the conduct of the governed.”

Driver Hassled for Right Wing Bumper Sticker

Louisiana police defended their actions against a driver in a vehicle sporting a “Don’t Tread on Me” bumper sticker as “fully in compliance with the Department of Homeland Security’s new guidelines.”

“To begin with, what kind of a person would display such an obnoxious statement on his car?” asked spokesman for the Ball, Louisiana police, John Butte. “We’re the police. We’ll tread on whoever we have to. Public safety and law enforcement take priority over so-called freedom of speech. Besides, motor vehicles aren’t ‘free speech zones.’ The state licenses these vehicles. We have a right to scrutinize what people do with them.”

Police authorities weren’t fazed by the fact that the “Don’t Tread on Me” slogan originated from the American Revolution of 1776. “That kind of makes our point that this guy merits special scrutiny,” Butte argued. “Revolutionaries were a threat to the duly constituted government then and are suspect now.”