House Democrats Reject Republican Call for Probe of Pelosi Charge against CIA
 

May 23, 2009

By a 252-172 vote, House Democrats defeated a Republican sponsored resolution calling for an inquiry of Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s (D-Calif.) charge that the Central Intelligence Agency had misled congress on the “enhanced interrogation” issue.

Pelosi spokesman Nadeam Elshami called the resolution “a dangerous venture.” “America is under attack from radical extremists,” Elshami said. “A high profile investigation of one of the nation’s highest ranking leaders will embolden these enemies and could demoralize those entrusted with our homeland’s security.”

“In these perilous circumstances it is important that we present a unified front behind our leaders,” Elshami added. “We should not be pointing accusing fingers at those working to protect American citizens from harm. Remember, as Homeland Security Secretary Janet Nipplitaliano warned, there are millions of veterans, gun owners, and pro-lifers living in the United States. We must not give these extremists hope that they can count on dissident factions within the congress to weaken the government’s resolve to crush disloyal opposition.”

France Opposes Netanyahu’s Stance on Jerusalem

Frederic Desagneaux, speaking on behalf of the French Foreign Ministry, decried Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s declaration that an undivided Jerusalem will always be Israel’s capital.

“The declaration made by the Israeli prime minister prejudices the final status agreement,” Desagneaux complained. “The international community has determined that Jerusalem will be the capital of the newly created Palestinian state. Mr. Netanyahu cannot be permitted to unilaterally decree otherwise.”

Desagneaux characterized Netanyahu’s position as “revanchism at its worst. The Jews lost Jerusalem to the Roman Empire two thousand years ago. Their post-World War II invasion and reoccupation upset a long standing acceptance of Muslim rule. It is this mistake the world community is gradually trying to rectify.”

“For Netanyahu to try to lay a permanent claim to these lands for the Jews would be like me saying that Paris will always be part of France or, indeed, that there will always be a France,” Desagneaux continued. “Who is to say that what once was will always be? Should we stubbornly rule out the possibility that France could become Frankistan or North Algeria? We should never be so inflexible.”

Official Says National Health Delays Could Save Lives

Health and Human Service Undersecretary Mortimer Graves cited figures on iatrogenic morbidity and mortality in rebuttal of criticism that national health care would increase delays in treatment.

“While, in theory, the extra caution and review that will accompany the President’s reform of health care could cause additional deaths and suffering, the fact is, doctor error killed nearly 100,000 people last year,” Graves said. “It seems to me that when it comes to medicine, haste makes waste. If government intervention impedes access to physicians by elongating the process, less damage will be done.”

Graves also contended that “in 90% of cases, the patient gets better without any medical intervention. So, adding more bureaucracy will allow natural healing to cure the patient without incurring either the cost or risk entailed by actually consulting a physician.”

President Says Government Is out of Money

President Barack Obama stunned C-SPAN journalist, Steve Scully, by admitting that the US Government is out of money. The President’s admission that “Well, we are out of money now” came in response to Scully’s asking “At what point do we run out of money?”

Despite the Government’s massive deficits, the President warned “it could get worse if we don’t make up for the lack of adequate health care coverage for all Americans.”

Obama did offer a glimmer of hope for staving off insolvency “if we can secure access to the significant sums of money currently sitting idle in 401ks, IRAs and pension funds. By diverting these funds from the sterile environment of stocks, bonds, and paper assets to a dynamic investment in improving the nation’s health, I think we can make great strides toward a fundamental shift to a more socially responsible use of our resources.”

The President said that while he could obtain the necessary access to these funds by executive order, he preferred that congress authorize it. “It is better that we all work together for the collective well-being of society than that I go it alone,” he said.

Florida Governor Lauds Cigarette Tax Increase

Governor Charlie Christ (R-Fla.) touted the state’s hike in cigarette taxes as “a perfect compromise between the need for more revenue and the promotion of healthier habits.”

“In an ideal world we’d be banning the manufacture and sale of tobacco,” Christ argued. “We all know its bad for us. Yet, too many of us are addicted to the substance. But we can use this addiction to help close the gap in government revenues.”

Christ said that “we shouldn’t let profiting from people’s vices be monopolized by organized crime. People’s addictions to cocaine and heroin are sources of income for mobsters. They exploit this human weakness by raising the price. That’s what the government can and should do with cigarette taxes.”

The Governor dubbed the tax as “incrementally pragmatic.” “In the short run, the boost in government tax collections will help fund vital services,” Christ predicted. “In the long run, by ratcheting up the tax we will wean smokers off this unhealthy habit by making it unaffordable. It’s a win-win formula.”

In related news, President Obama’s appointee to the Center for Disease Control, Thomas Frieden, is advocating a similar tax hike on soft drinks for similar reasons. “No one needs to drink Coke,” Frieden pointed out. “It’s bad for them. At the same time, government needs more money. If Coke drinkers can’t give up their unhealthy habit, the least they can do is contribute to reducing the government’s financial shortfall.”

White House Explains Snub of Kindergarten Field Trip

Thursday, a group of 150 kindergartners from Conway Elementary School in Stafford County, Virginia were turned away from a scheduled visit to the White House so the President could, instead, meet with the Super Bowl Champion Pittsburgh Steelers football team.

White House spokesperson, Lisa Parvenu brushed aside the youngsters’ disappointment as “a consequence of poor timing by the school’s officials.” “Look, the President gets to visit with school kids nearly every day of the week when he’s home,” Parvenu explained. “He only gets to meet the Super Bowl winners once a year. So, I think you can understand why the rarer event has to take priority over the more common event.”

Parvenu dismissed some of the children’s parents’ criticism that President Obama’s preference for “hobnobbing with millionaire athletes” besmirched his image as a representative of the common people. “What the President has done is very much in tune with the common people,” Parvenu insisted. “It would take a very uncommon man to pass up an opportunity to meet with celebrity sports heroes in order to host yet another busload of average, ordinary, and whiny 5-year-olds. So, I’d have to say that his decision in this instance is very representative of what the common, middle class person would do.”

California Voters “Asking for It” Say State Officials

By a nearly two to one margin, California voters rejected the “compromise” tax hike propositions put on the ballot by Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger (R) and the Democratic majority of the state assembly.

Assembly Speaker Karen Bass (D-Los Angeles) called voters’ rejection of the measures “a tragic error.” “It’s a demonstration of lack of trust in those of us charged with governing this state,” Bass said. “We tried to minimize the pain. Now, it will be severe.”

“Now we will get to see how voters like having their kids home early from school, paying for their own medicine, dodging the thousands of criminals given early paroles, and making citizen arrests,” the Speaker continued.

Governor Schwarzenegger concurred that “more painful consequences must now follow.” “There will be major cuts in the budget,” Schwarzenegger promised. Top targets for spending reduction include education, health care, prisons, and law enforcement.

Schwarzenegger emphasized that “the cuts must occur in highly visible and essential services in order to let people know the consequences of their votes. It would do us no good to make cuts in the parts of government that people don’t understand. If we fire planners, consultants, regulators, tax auditors and such, the average citizen wouldn’t feel a thing and those who do probably would feel relieved. That sends the wrong message.”