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JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News
French Riots Not All Bad, Say Two Organizations November 11, 2005
"Privately owned and operated automobiles are a prime source of the greenhouse gases that are leading to catastrophic global warming," said Joshua Greenpants, spokesman for the environmental activist group Earth First!. "The destruction of these vehicles will reduce these dangerous emissions." Greenpants said his organization is exploring options for extending the riots. "Most disturbances like this peter out after a short while," said Greenpants. "If there were some way we could make the rioting a more widespread and permanent feature of French nightlife, the impacts would be more significant." French railway officials have noticed an up tick in ridership since the riots began. "Rising prosperity has enabled many of our former passengers to buy cars," said Pierre Nonplus, press secretary for the Ministry of Railways. "A setback like this, especially since the focus of much of the violence is aimed at automobiles, gives us new hope for a revival of the rail system." Notably, the Ministry of Railways has been speaking out against the government's rumored peace-feelers to the jihadist community. "We feel it is too early to capitulate," said Nonplus. "Too many people still see the automobile as a viable method of transport. Until this auto dependency is broken, we think it premature to yield to the insurgents." Motorist Fined for Riding with Dummy in Car-Pool Lane The California Highway Patrol gave Kevin Morgan, 28, of Petaluma, a $351 citation for driving in a high occupancy vehicle, or "HOV" lane, with a dummy in the passenger seat. Scofflaws occasionally deploy dummies in order to appear to qualify for the multiple-occupant requirement to use the carpool lane. Morgan's protest that the "dummy" was, in fact, Senator Barbara Boxer (D-Calif.), was rejected by police. "I recognized Ms. Boer when I wrote the ticket, I’ve seen her on TV," said Chip Manley, the officer who issued the citation. "There's no doubt in my mind. She's a dummy. Morgan is guilty as charged." Black Toilet Paper Cleaning Up in Europe In what many are heralding as the most significant innovation to come out of Europe in decades, a Portuguese paper producer has perfected black toilet paper. The firm, Renova, introduced the product a few months ago in Madrid. Jose Pinhedo, international brand manager for Renova, says he is both excited and fulfilled by the potential of the product. "We have invested years of research and billions of dollars to develop this cutting-edge product," said Pinhedo. "Our plan is to get the product into every nook and cranny we can. I think we can wipe out the competition." Although the black toilet paper costs more, salesmen for the product emphasize that its stain-concealing properties will permit multiple applications before a sheet must be discarded. Colored toilet paper is very popular in Europe. Brightly colored papers are a favorite in Germany. In the U.S., concerns about dyes seeping into delicate areas and worsening the toxicity of effluent discharge have led to the disappearance of colored toilet paper. Vermont to Secede from the U.S. The members of a peaceful freedom-fighting group want no part of the imperialistic U.S. government. A plan to secede from the U.S. and declare Vermont an independent "peoples' republic" gaining momentum in the Green Mountain state. A packed House Chamber in the Vermont statehouse, with more than 400 gathered, started the with a speech by James Howard Kunstler and ended with a resolution passed to secede from the United States. Most people think of secession as impossible if not treasonous, but the concept is deeply rooted in the Declaration of Independence, reminding us that "Whenever any form of government becomes destructive, it is the Right of the People to alter or abolish it and to institute new government." The grass roots group called the Revolutionary Vanguard of the Peoples' Republic of Vermont passed the following citizen's resolution: "Be it resolved that the state of Vermont peacefully and democratically free itself from the United States of America and return to its natural status as an independent republic as it was between January 15, 1777 and March 4, 1791." Thomas Naylor, a former Duke University professor and now the head of the Revolutionary Vanguard asserted, "The decision to secede is necessary in order to realize our dream to make Vermont into a socialist paradise." Naylor says some are trying to persuade Howard Dean, former governor of Vermont and currently Chairman of the Democratic National Committee, to assume the position of First Secretary of the Dictatorship of the Proletariat for the new republic. "Dean is a dedicated advocate for the type of government we are seeking," said Naylor. "His ruthless, no-holds-barred approach to his work at the DNC highly recommend him for such a position." Naylor conceded that Vermont's current member of the U.S. House of Representatives, Bernie Sanders, would also make a good choice. Sanders has the advantage of being a publicly avowed socialist, but some view him as insufficiently aggressive to carry out the necessary measures to convert Vermont into a fully functioning peoples' republic. Bill Clinton: Bush Tax Cuts 'Immoral' Ex-president Bill Clinton is blasting President Bush's economic policies as "immoral" and "unethical," saying he blames administration tax cuts for increasing hostility towards the U.S. around the world. "It is my belief that tax cuts are the number one reason for why America was attacked on 9-11," Clinton told an audience at the University of Minnesota. As evidence, Clinton pointed out that no such attacks on American soil took place during his administration. Clinton called for voters to elect Democrats. “Restoring a Democratic majority in Congress and electing Hillary president in 2008 is the best way to ensure the high taxes that will placate Al Qaeda and bring peace in our time," Clinton said. The Minnesota crowd applauded as the ex-president painted the Bush Administration as fiscally irresponsible in a way that shortchanges other countries. “The rest of the world has become accustomed to receiving aid from America, they demand it,” said Clinton. “Bush’s tax cuts threaten this aid and have angered other world leaders. I shudder to think of what will become of America if we do not maintain payments to foreign governments.” John Semmens'
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Rioting
by Muslim youths over the last two weeks that has spread to 300
communities and resulted in the burning of thousands of motor vehicles
was hailed by Earth First! as a positive step toward environmental
protection.