Chirac Cites 'Malaise' in Riot Outbreak

“I want to tell the children from these difficult neighborhoods, whatever their demands, we will accede to them,” Mr. Chirac said.

The list of demands, thus far, includes enriched uranium sufficient for 1,000 small nuclear devices, 1,000 x-ray opaque brief cases, and 1,000 unlimited-trip railway passes. Some members of the French government are concerned that this list of demands may imply that further destruction is planned. President Chirac downplayed these fears.

“I have been assured by the rioters that these materials are for a science project due at the end of the current academic semester,” said Chirac. “Aiding these youths in their scholastic endeavors is a first step in integrating them into French society. Education could be their ticket out of malaise.”

Chirac said he has been told by a friend that Nigeria might be a good place to obtain the enriched uranium.

Meanwhile, in related news, French citizens are split over renaming their country. As a concession from the Muslim rioters who brought the French government to its knees, voters are to be given an opportunity to choose the new name for their country from a list of names presented as part of the capitulation agreement. 

Thus far, polls show “Fraq” is favored by 32 percent. “Gaulistan” is second with 21 percent. “Algeria” is a distant third at 10 percent. Over a third of voters say they will do whatever they are told to do by the Muslim authorities.

Voter Jacques Pissant says he is unconcerned. “We’ve been through this kind of thing before,” said Pissant. “We will collaborate with our oppressors until the Americans come to liberate us.”

Dan Rather’s Lackey on Book Tour

Mary Mapes, former data fabricator for CBS News, is doing the talk show circuit touting her new book: "Truth or Duty." She described her excruciating dilemma over the story on President Bush’s National Guard service.

“On the one hand is the expectation that, as reporters, we should tell the truth,” said Mapes. “On the other hand, there was our duty to do all we could to save America from George Bush. We were torn.”

Mapes went on to explain that since she and Dan Rather knew the president is evil, taking him down was the higher priority. “I mean, look what Bush had done in his first term,” said Mapes. “He stole the election from Al Gore. Saddam Hussein wasn’t hurting anyone. Yet, Bush drove him out of office and killed his sons. You have to agree that Bush was moving toward a Hitler-style dictatorship. Would it have been wrong if the German media had done all it could to oust Hitler from power?”

Mapes went on to complain about the thousands of e-mails from conservative bloggers. “These were Bush’s storm troopers,” said Mapes, “viciously destroying our carefully crafted story. They fired round-after-round of facts until our case was shot full of holes. The greater good was defeated. I cried for weeks afterward.”

Mapes says she hopes to clear seven figures from book sales and speaking fees over the next year.

DNA Vaccines a Promising New Anti-Viral Therapy

Bird flu and other viruses may be on the road to extinction. Researchers are developing DNA vaccines that can be produced quickly and cheaply. There are no DNA vaccines available for human use yet, but DNA vaccines have just been approved for use in horses to prevent West Nile Virus. Researchers are currently testing human DNA vaccines for AIDS, SARS, Ebola, and West Nile Virus.

“A DNA vaccine is not a panacea,” says University of London biochemist Peter Dunnill. “However, it could be useful if the situation gets out of hand.”

The development of novel technologies like DNA vaccines point to the really good news: As humanity’s biotechnical prowess increases, we may never suffer through another pandemic again.

Not everyone is pleased with this progress against viruses. Jeremy Rifkin, long time critic of bioengineering, demands this research be halted. “This is tampering with nature’s delicate balance,” said Rifkin. “Killing off these viruses could have unforeseen dangers. What if these vaccines save the life of a person who turns out to be a future Hitler?”

Rifkin says there are also ethical dimensions to consider. “These scientists are prepared to wipe out whole species of viruses,” said Rifkin. “I haven’t seen one bit of concern for a virus’s right to life.”

Rifkin is proposing an across-the-board halt to all scientific research until the complex biological and ethical issues are resolved.  

French Riots Called Zionist Hoax

Segments of the French Muslim community are disputing the contention that Muslim youths were the primary participants in the recent turmoil sweeping the French nation.

Ibn Arsholl, spokesman for the French-based group calling itself the “Muslim Majority,” says the apparent riots were staged by Zionists. “We know that Jews control the media and the French government,” said Arsholl. “It is, therefore, simple for them to perpetrate such a hoax.”

The Muslim Majority is not completely unified in its view, though. One line of thinking holds that Zionist agents carried out the acts of destruction just as they did on 9-11. An opposing view contends that there were no riots, that the entire event was staged on a movie filming lot and broadcast over television.

Arsholl favors the second theory. “The absence of significant numbers of fatalities supports the idea that the people we see on TV are all just actors,” said Arsholl. “No one I know has actually seen any of the rioting other than on TV. This tells me the whole thing is Jewish propaganda designed to stir up hatred for France’s Muslim majority.”

Bush Rebuts War Critics

President Bush characterized some of the Iraq War critics as “deeply irresponsible” for making “false charges” regarding the decision to go to war. Bush pointed out that prior to going to war he got broad bi-partisan support from congress—including many who are now his most persistent critics.

Bush’s attempt to reply to his critics was immediately denounced by Senator John Kerry (D-Mass.). “The president is trying to stifle our freedom of speech with his fear and smear tactics,” said Kerry. “It is unfair to hold us to our earlier actions and statements. Times change. Minds change.”

Kerry characterized Bush’s position on the war as overly simplistic. “The president thinks that because these Jihadi terrorists want to kill us that we can simply try to kill them before they succeed,” said Kerry. “I favor a more nuanced approach that will keep America’s enemies off balance. That’s why I voted for the war before I voted against it. Think of the consternation and confusion this would have sown in their minds had I been elected president.”

Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Mass.) questioned President Bush’s expertise on the subject of false charges. “I’ve been making false charges for over 35 years,” Kennedy said. “Until Mr. Bush has a similar experience under his belt he should leave the topic to us experts.”

Senator Harry Reid (D-Nev.) also found President Bush’s words disturbing. “Who can really say what’s true or false?” asked Reid. “We Democrats believe we have to give the American people a variety of realities from which to choose. The president’s implication that there is a clear difference between true and false is further proof that he is out of the mainstream.”

Zarqawi Moves Headquarters to Baghdad

According to intelligence data reaching the American command, the Jordanian terrorist chief, Abu Musab al Zarqawi, commander of al Qaeda Iraq, has left the Sunni-dominated Anbar province bordering on Syria. The plan is to open a new headquarters in Baghdad itself.

“We need to be nearer to the people in the new government that we want to kill,” said Zarqawi.

The plan calls for a “Grand Opening” sometime in early December. Cindy Sheehan has been invited to do the ribbon-cutting ceremony. Michael Moore has been invited to film the event. Neither has confirmed their participation.

NYC Mayor Revives Bid to “Tax” Commuters

Newly reelected New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg is reviving his bid to “tax” 800,000 commuters. Bloomberg says that suburban property values rise and fall on the city’s success.

“Property values are up because of their proximity to the city,” Bloomberg said. “And an awful lot of people come into this city to work. There has to be a way we can cash-in on that.”

A so-called “special revenue operations” plan to use employment records and work schedule information as input for a city-run property appropriation operation in the suburbs is currently under discussion. Some consider this risky because the operations would be carried out in other jurisdictions that could not be counted on to cooperate.

The mayor’s more risk-averse advisors are recommending appropriating the cars of suburbanites who drive into the city and the wallets of those who take public transit. Since these actions would take place within city limits, city police could be directed to assist the special revenue operation.

Bloomberg claims that “eminent domain” gives the city the authority to seize the property of those who commute to the city. “The Supreme Court has ruled that if an important public purpose is served, private property can be taken,” said Bloomberg.

Schwarzenegger Focuses on China

Stung by voter rejection of his ballot propositions, California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is reputedly exploring the possibility of running for governor of China.

“My ‘Terminator’ films have always been popular in China,” observed Schwarzenegger. “Maybe this will translate into electoral success.”

Schwarzenegger’s ambitions may be hampered by the fact that there is no such position in China. Some, however, have suggested that the Chinese constitution might be amended to allow him to run.