Edwards Sees Two Iraqs

“When I voted for the war that overthrew Saddam, I was wrong,” said Edwards. “I was swept up in the romantic notion that freedom is good for all peoples of the world. Now that I see how adamantly and viciously the Iraqi insurgents are opposing democracy, I realize I may have been mistaken.”

“The people of the Middle East are accustomed to yielding to tyrants,” Edwards continued. “Only a tiny minority of Iraqis were subjected to the random cruelties of Saddam and his sons. The silent majority was safe. In contrast, the current battle for freedom has brought unpredictability to their lives. Bombings and massacres by insurgents can happen anytime, anywhere. This is scary.”

Edwards recommended that the U.S. pull its troops out and allow the region to return to its traditional pattern of governance.

Al-Zarqawi Apologizes for Jordan Bombing

An audiotape purportedly from the head of al-Qaida in Iraq apologized for bombing a Jordanian wedding party at an Amman hotel.

“We are very sorry,” said Zarqawi. “We thought only Jews and Americans could afford to go to these hotels.”

Zarqawi also complained about the quality of personnel recruited for suicide missions. “It’s not like we can get experienced suicide bombers,” said Zarqawi. “Every one of them is a first-timer.”

Zarqawi also questioned the mentality of those volunteering for the bombing missions. “The same mind-set that makes them eager to blow themselves up may also impede their ability to determine who they are blowing up,” Zarqawi lamented. “You have to be either retarded or demented to carry out these missions. I mean, you don’t see me or any of the other leaders taking these missions.”

Zarqawi concluded his apology with a threat to kill Jordan’s King Abdullah II and bomb more hotels and tourist sites, citing the absence of U.S. troops as one of the main attractions of extending operations to Jordan.

Fitzgerald Seeks New Grand Jury Proceedings

Special prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald says that the ongoing CIA leak investigation will involve proceedings before a new grand jury and that he could seek new charges in the case.

Fitzgerald said “the investigation is continuing” and that “the investigation will involve proceedings before a different grand jury than the grand jury which returned the indictment” against Lewis Libby.

“We intend to find out who put the ‘bop’ in ‘bop-shoo-bop’ as well as who put the ‘ram’ in ram-a-lamma-ding-dong,’“ said Fitzgerald. “‘Bop’ and ‘ram’ are violent-sounding words. Our theory is that these harsh words are intended as a message to intimidate those who would otherwise come forward with damaging testimony.”

Given the content of his new line of investigation, Fitzgerald is reputed to have asked that the judges for “American Idol” to be empanelled as the new grand jury.

Everyone in America Now Has a $166,000 Public Debt

According to the U.S. Treasury Department, every American’s prorated share of the funded national debt now amounts to more than $166,000.

Treasury officials are now in the process of matching Social Security numbers and addresses so invoices can be mailed. To help spread the load of transactions, the invoices will be sent out on each taxpayer’s birthday.

Kerry Says: “I’d Have Us in a ‘Different Place’“

Senator John Kerry (D-Mass.) stepped up his criticism of President Bush’s Iraq policy, asserting that if he had been elected he’d have taken America to a “different place.” That “different place” is apparently Cambodia, where Kerry recalls spending Christmas in 1968.

“Until Americans comprehend what I went through during the Vietnam War, they won’t be able to understand how I think,” said Kerry. “If I were president right now, I’d be negotiating with the Cambodians to allow the transport of all American adults in rotating shifts for a brief tour of that nation’s border with Vietnam. We’ll see how many of them can refrain from accusing their fellow travelers of atrocities after they’ve made the trip.”

Kerry says the trips would’ve been funded by the repeal of the tax cuts passed during Bush’s first term.

JFK Conspiracy Theory Points to Bush

While theories about President John Kennedy’s assassination abound, CBS News announced that it is in possession of documents proving that President Bush pulled the trigger.

Former CBS data fabricator, Mary Mapes, said an unidentified man handed her an envelope with the incriminating documents while she was touring to promote her new book.

“Taking time out from her book tour, Mary Mapes faxed us a copy of a letter in which the then 17-year-old George Bush admitted to accidentally shooting JFK while ‘goofing around’ with his hunting rifle,” said Jack Skwaht, speaking on behalf of CBS News. “The letter is a photo copy of a hand-written note, but you can almost make out the name ‘George’ in the signature area. Document experts we consulted agree that the possibility this scrawled word is, in fact, ‘George’ cannot be ruled out.”

“Look, the assassination took place in Texas,” said Skwaht. “Bush was in Texas in 1963. We think this is pretty damning evidence.”

Democrat Demands D.C. Pull-Out

Congressman John P. Murtha (D-PA) widened has call for a strategic withdrawal to include Washington, D.C.

“Let’s face it,” Murtha said. “The capitol has led the nation in crime for more than a decade. There is nothing more than can be accomplished by staying. It’s time to pull out.”

“Congress has been looting and pillaging taxpayers for generations,” said pollee John Smith of Anytown, U.S.A. “Shutting down the capitol sounds like a pretty good idea.”

Representative Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) asserted that Murtha’s words have been misconstrued. “Congressman Murtha was referring to a Republican pull-out,” said Pelosi. “He’s saying everything would be fine if we could get the Republicans to pull out of Washington.”

Congressman J.D. Hayworth (R-Ariz.) said his office has been inundated by citizens calling for a “sense of congress” resolution calling for the immediate withdrawal of all members of congress and the redeployment of resources back to the taxpayers. “Murtha may have awakened the proverbial ‘sleeping dog,’“ said Hayworth. “There’s no telling where this may lead now.”

Iran Demands Timetable for U.S. Iraq Withdrawal

Iran’s supreme leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei endorsed the idea for a timetable for the withdrawal of foreign troops from Iraq.

Iran’s endorsement of a timetable was hailed by Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.). “We welcome the support of the Ayatollah,” said Reid. “Criticism of the Bush Administration’s Iraq policy from any source is appreciated.”

This latest statement from Iran has encouraged the Democratic National Committee to consider sending former president Bill Clinton to Iran in a fund-raising effort. “I believe we and the Iranian leaders have a meeting of the minds concerning the inherent evil of the Republicans,” said DNC Chairman Howard Dean. “We are hoping to turn this into cash for the upcoming election cycle.”

California Court Declares 2004 Presidential Election Void

U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals ruled that the 2004 presidential election in which George Bush defeated John Kerry was invalid because none of the debates were conducted in Spanish.

The ruling was hailed by former Mexican-American Legal Defense and Educational Fund attorney Thomas Saenz, who represented the plaintiffs. “Non-English-speaking voters must have the opportunity to participate in the entire electoral process, from beginning -- to end, in the voting booth,” said Saenz.

The court cited the federal Voting Rights Act of 1965 as the basis for the decision. “We are a bilingual nation,” said Judge Susan Wynns. “Our elections must reflect that.”

Senator John Kerry (D-Mass.) welcomed the opportunity for a “do-over,” but also wondered if his half of the rescheduled debate could be conducted in French.

President Bush said that while he would relish the chance of debating Kerry in Spanish, he wasn’t about to redo the election. Paraphrasing former president Andrew Jackson, Bush asserted, “The Ninth Circuit has made their decision. Now let’s see them enforce it.”

This Day in History...Thanksgiving 1945: Henry Wallace Calls for End to Cold War

Just months after the twin triumphs over Nazi Germany and Imperial Japan, former vice-president Henry Wallace called for U.S. withdrawal from the “Cold War.”

“The Soviet Union represents the progressive force in history,” said Wallace. “It would be both futile and immoral for us to resist their efforts to transform the world.”

Wallace cited the Soviets’ capture of Berlin and Japan’s surrender just days after the Soviets declared war on them as evidence of the dominant power of Stalin’s troops.

“Socialism is the wave of the future,” Wallace predicted. “The United States should be climbing on board the bandwagon rather than attempting to oppose this inevitable trend.”

Wallace called Soviet purges, mass executions and gulag prison system evidence of Stalin’s moral certainty in his cause. “Before the next century, we will see capitalism collapse as socialism sweeps the planet,” said Wallace. “We can’t beat ‘em. So, we might as well join ‘em.”