Ben Affleck Considering Role in Senate

Nevertheless, Affleck says he is confident he could handle such a role. “I’m from Massachusetts where we’ve got Kennedy and Kerry, two of the greatest senators in American history,” said Affleck. “Everything I know about politics, I learned from listening to them. Kerry is the absolute master of the nuanced policy straddle. And no one attacks the character of an opponent like Kennedy. He is without peer.”

Affleck says his studies include watching videos of Senator Robert Byrd. “I know he’s from West Virginia,” said Affleck. “But his manner of speaking has a genuine southern flavor to it. I’ve also been practicing my southern accent. I think I can do a believable Virginia senator.”

Affleck feels the role will challenge him to the limits of his acting ability. Affleck says his experience playing a soldier in the 2001 film “Pearl Harbor” makes him virtually a veteran. “War heroes usually do well with voters,” said Affleck. “Seeing me fight the Japanese at Pearl Harbor will show Virginia voters that I can fight for them in congress.”

Affleck says he is also considering putting on some weight because “Southerners prefer their senators to be a bit portly.”

Men Cause Global Warming

“Men and their inventions are the primary factor causing climate change,” said Ulrike Rohr, director of the German-based group called “Genanet-Focal point gender, Environment, Sustainability.”

Rohr is demanding “climate gender justice.” “Industry is the creation of men,” said Rohr. “Men have bulldozed green pastures to make way for factories. Men have foisted automobiles into our environment. Men are responsible for global warming.”

Rohr called for a return to a more pastoral lifestyle. “We need to get back to a more natural way of living,” said Rohr. “If women had ruled the world humanity never would’ve veered off into the current nightmare of technology and abundance.”

In related news, scientists now speculate that global warming could actually cause global cooling. The warming causes more evaporation which leads to more precipitation which leads to more cooling. This means that future temperatures could be warmer, cooler or both.

Kennedy urged that America return to a “hunter-gatherer” lifestyle to reduce the human impact on climate. “Living on roots and berries and hunting game with primitive weapons is a more natural and less ecologically damaging way to live,” Kennedy said. “Only a small cadre of environmentally conscious individuals needs to be maintained at an advanced level to scientifically monitor and manage the rest of humanity.”

Democrats Back Vote for Illegal Immigrants

The Democratic National Committee (DNC) wrapped up its fall meetings in Phoenix by unanimously passing a resolution demanding that illegal immigrants be given the right to vote.

Dean pointed out that laws requiring ballots be printed in Spanish should overcome any objections that a language barrier prevents these immigrants from understanding the issues. “They understand enough to know who is on their side,” said Dean. “The fate of our party is tied to broadening the franchise to include these voters.”

Terrorist Contest Announces Prizes

Sunni Days, a terrorist organization operating in Iraq, announced a website designers contest. “Our current website is dull and uninspiring,” said Ali Baboo, communications director for Sunni Days. “We need better visuals, more colorful threats, and a more user-friendly interface. Many of our website viewers are holed-up in caves, basements and abandoned derelict buildings. They are getting depressed. A perkier, more lively website may help raise their spirits.”

First prize will be the opportunity to fire three long-range missiles at a U.S. army base in Iraq.

The second-place finisher will be given his choice of hostage to behead and receive a keepsake video commemorating the experience.

The third-place finisher will be allowed to rape the hostage of his choice and receive a keepsake video commemorating the experience.

All non-winning contest entrants will receive a complimentary prize of an all-expenses-paid suicide bombing mission to the infidel city of his choice.

Baboo said he is hopeful that videos of the contest winners receiving their prizes can be posted. “It will be a win-win situation,” said Baboo. “Contest winners will, of course, win. And videos of their smiling faces as they slay or abuse infidels will recharge the batteries of our battered forces.”

Iran Slams Human Rights Abuses in France

Ayatollah Ahmad Jannati, the influential head of the powerful Guardians Council, the religious theocracy’s highest vetting organ, accused France of untold human rights violations.

Jannati ticked off a few of what he labeled the most obscene abuses. “In France, women comport themselves as whores. They parade around with their faces and often their arms and legs uncovered,” said Jannati. “This incites the lust of Muslim men who are then cruelly arrested if they act out this lust by attempting to copulate with these whores. The women claim the sex is not consensual, but I say the showing of the flesh is an invitation.”

Jannati also criticized the mass arrests of Muslim youths involved in the recent street rioting. “These youths are used to warmer weather,” said Jannati. “The chilly cities of France forced them to set fires just to keep warm. Vehicles are a customary fuel in Muslim countries. They should not be condemned because of cultural intolerance.”

Louis Louis III, spokesman for the French Ministry of Apology, says he is working on the wording for a formal apology to offended Muslims, but is having trouble getting clarification of the demand that the apology be in blood.

UN Claims Saddam’s “Human Rights” Violated

John Pace, human rights chief at the United Nations Assistance Mission in Iraq, condemned what he called the illegal detention of Saddam Hussein.

Pace expressed deep concern over the treatment of Saddam. “The change in lifestyle for Saddam has been traumatic,” said Pace. “He has been denied his customary pleasures. He cannot order the torture or execution of anyone. He is at the mercy of those seeking vengeance for his brutality toward their loved ones. His suffering is immeasurable.”

Pace suggested that Saddam’s captors could at least let him sign fake death warrants and view old videos of his sons torturing and raping innocent victims. “Saddam is a head-of-state,” said Pace. “As such, he is entitled to certain privileges. Failure to provide these privileges is an insult to every other head-of-state. This is something the UN cannot abide.”

New Orleans Election Postponed

New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin, the entire city council and a host of other local elected officials will remain in office beyond the four-year terms scheduled to end May 1, after Gov. Kathleen Blanco agreed Friday to postpone the city’s Feb. 4 municipal elections.

Gov. Blanco said she made the move for two reasons. One of those reasons is to ensure continuity of leadership. “Ray Nagin’s role has been exemplary,” said Blanco. “He was among the first to blame President Bush. New Orleans cannot afford to lose his courageous finger-pointing ability while the issue of blame is still alive.”

Blanco declined to provide much detail on the second reason. Speculation centers around the need to update voter registration lists to add the names of those killed or missing since the flood. Blanco did characterize this step as vital if the election process is to be carried out in the normal manner.

Iran’s President Denies Holocaust Happened

Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad expressed doubt that the Holocaust occurred and suggested Israel be moved to Europe.

“The Jews have always controlled Europe,” said Ahmadinejad. “That’s how I know the Holocaust never happened. The Jews must leave Palestine and go back to Europe where they came from.”

This Day in History: Christmas 1944: Howard Dean’s Grandfather Predicts German Victory

Despite the optimism of many, Howard Brush Dean, a New York investment banker sees a bleak future for the United States in its current battle with Nazi Germany.

“The idea that we’re going to win the war is an idea which is just plain wrong,” said Dean. “The Germans’ Ardennes offensive has caught U.S. troops completely unprepared. It’s just a matter of time before the administration will be forced to realize that we can’t win this thing.”

Dean cited rumors of Germany’s development of so-called “super weapons” as further evidence of the need for the U.S. to withdraw its troops from Europe. “We need an exit strategy,” said Dean. “I’m sorry to say, though, that there is no sign of such a thing coming out of Washington.”

It is Dean’s position that continuing the fight will only make the Germans angrier and the ultimate surrender terms that much more harsh.

Dean recommended that U.S. troops be brought home and redeployed against what he called the real threat to America: “right-wing nuts with guns.”