Dems Cry 'Foul' Over New Republican Ad

“Using our own words against in an ad like this is hitting below the belt,” said Dean. “Sure I said we couldn’t win in Iraq, but this isn’t the same as saying we would be defeated. We could tie.”

Dean says the DNC is thinking of filing suit on the grounds that unauthorized quoting of Democrats by Republicans amounts to copyright infringement or plagiarism or some similar offense. “I’m going to have to get with our lawyers on this,” said Dean. “Republicans should make up their own quotes. That’s what we do.”

Congressman John Murtha (D-Pa.) says his statement that the Iraq War can’t be won is based on common sense. “I’m a decorated hero of Vietnam,” Murtha said. “If we couldn’t win that war with me in it, how can we possibly win in Iraq when I’m not? We simply must hit the panic button before it’s too late.”

John Kerry criticized the GOP ad for taking his words out of context. “When I said U.S. troops were terrorizing Iraqi women and children I wasn’t criticizing our troops,” Kerry said. “If you read the whole transcript of my interview you’ll see that I said terrorizing women and children was the job of the Iraqi troops. Iraqis terrorizing Iraqis is a long-established tradition in that country. Americans should not interfere with this tradition.”

Hollywood Sees Biggest Box Office Decline in 20 Years, Blames Bush

Domestic revenues at movie theaters may fall below $9 billion for the first time since 2001 after averaging $9.3 billion over the last three years. Factoring in higher admission prices, the number of tickets sold is expected to finish at about 1.4 billion, the lowest since 1997. That marks the largest drop since admissions fell 12 percent in 1985.

Some studio executives are blaming President Bush.

“If Bush hadn’t been such a distraction for so many of us, maybe we could’ve made better movies,” said Pinky Sfinktir, press secretary for the Screen Actors’ Guild. “Bush is doing all this governing stuff we don’t approve of.”

Sfinktir’s list of complaints included the war, tax cuts and a general “uncoolness” about the president, especially compared to his immediate predecessor.

Sfinktir suggested that President Bush resign for the good of the nation. “If Bush would step aside so the Supreme Court could appoint someone cool to replace him, we’d all be better off,” said Sfinktir. “We’ve got some great movies in the pipeline, though.”

Upcoming films touted by Sfinktir include “Under the President’s Desk” -- a musical based on an affair between a president and an intern, “Omaha Bitch” -- a homosexual romance between two soldiers during the Normandy landings, and “Meet the Crips” -- a comedy based on the street gang founded by recently-executed murderer, Tookis Williams. All are rated “R.”

Sfinktir chuckled when he mention that last one. “Doesn’t the name ‘Tookis’ just make you want to laugh?” asked Sfinktir. “We feel movies like these will bring people back to the theaters. I mean, who wouldn’t want to see films like these?”

Martha Stewart Endorses Hillary

Master of home décor, Martha Stewart is endorsing Hillary Clinton for president.

“As first lady, Hillary demonstrated impeccable taste in home furnishings,” Stewart said. “Her artistic flair for drapery is unparalleled. This is the kind of leadership the country has missed since that Texas yahoo moved into the White House.

Stewart also cited Senator Clinton’s investment acumen as further qualification for the presidency. “Hillary once made $100,000 in a single day in commodity speculation and she didn’t have to go to jail afterward,” Stewart said. “She’s sharp. That’s what America needs from its leaders.”

As evidence of her seriousness, Ms. Stewart has planted a flower bed that spells out “Hillary 2008” at her home in Danbury, Connecticut.

Byrd Threatens Filibuster

Democratic Sen. Robert Byrd (W. Va.) warned that he would bring the U.S. Senate to a standstill if Republicans try to outlaw filibusters on judicial nominations.

“If they want a fight, let them try," Byrd said. "I’m 88-years-old. I was there when we used the filibuster to block those bills giving civil rights to Nigras,” Byrd said. “I’m not afraid of these Republican pantywaists. I rode with the Klan in the days when men were men.”

The filibuster is a tactic used to indefinitely prolong debate on the Senate floor. Democrats have already used the filibuster to block some of Bush’s choices of conservatives to serve as judges on lower courts.

Byrd is regarded as a master of prolonged inane remarks. This makes him one of the Democrats’ most potent weapons against legislative action. 

Sean Penn Weeps over Execution

Actor Sean Penn was among the thousand, or so, protesting the execution of four-time murderer Tookie Williams on Tuesday. As the crowd outside San Quentin State Prison was told after midnight that Williams was dead, Penn broke into tears.

“I’ve killed more people in my movies than Tookie killed, but that doesn’t make me a bad person,” Penn said. “Why can’t we see the good in Tookie? He’s written children’s books for Christ’s sake.”

Penn admitted he hadn’t read any of Williams’ books, but asserted they must be good because they must have been written with passion. “A person who murders someone is a person of strong passions,” said Penn. “How could such a person not be a good writer?”

Penn vowed to make a movie based on one or more of Williams’ books as a “legacy to his greatness.”

Police Seize Forged Ballots Headed to Iraq

Less than two days before nationwide elections, the Iraqi border police seized a truck that had just crossed from Iran filled with thousands of forged ballots.

The Democratic National Committee issued a statement condemning the seizure. “This is the same type of attempt to suppress the vote that we saw in Ohio in 2004,” said the statement. “Obviously, Republicans will stop at nothing when it comes to winning elections.”

The statement demanded that all ballots be counted.

The White House admitted to being stumped by this latest onslaught from the Democrats. “These are ballots being smuggled in from Iran,” President Bush said. “Why on Earth should they be counted in the Iraqi election?”

The DNC dismissed President Bush’s question as but another example of the pattern of lies and deceit from the administration.

Asteroid Likely to Hit Earth Seen as Offset to Global Warming

Any action that might possibly be taken to divert a 390m-wide asteroid from colliding with Earth is likely to be opposed by environmentalists. The reasons range from reluctance to tampering with Mother Nature to the belief that anything that might destroy civilization would be good for the environment.

The asteroid in question is Apophis, which has an outside chance of hitting the Earth in 2036. The impact would release more than 100,000 times the energy released in the nuclear blast over Hiroshima. The Earth would see massive cooling effects from the dust released into the atmosphere.

There has been some suggestion that efforts ought to be made to try to ensure that a collision does not take place. NASA has speculated that a mission to nudge the asteroid away from a collision course would be feasible. Robert Kennedy, attorney for the Natural Resources Defense Council, is opposed to such a mission.

“Inasmuch as the Earth is already suffering from human-caused global warming, the cooling effects of an asteroid impact may be just the medicine we need,” said Kennedy.

Kennedy shrugged off the prospect that hundreds of millions, maybe billions, of people would perish from such a catastrophe. “Death is what nature intends for us all,” Kennedy said. “It is hubris to try to avert this fate. Nature must be allowed to take its course.”

“Let’s suppose that we were able to prevent such a collision,” Kennedy continued. “What then? Man would continue to ravage the planet unimpeded. It would be better for the planet if civilization were destroyed and humans were forced to live a more natural existence. Sure, life would be nasty, brutish and short. But that’s what nature intended before men mucked everything up with runaway technology.”

Islamists Announce Women’s Rights Initiative

An  Islamist militant group in Bangladesh has announce its latest women’s rights initiate. The statement by the Jamaat-ul-Mujahideen came after a suicide bomb attack in a northern town that killed at least eight people, the latest of a series of blasts in their campaign for an Islamic state.

“All women of the world have the right to be spared the leering looks of lustful males,” said Irah Donkai, spokesman for the Jamaat-ul-Mujahideen. “Women will be killed if they are found to move around without wearing burqas from the first day of Jilhaj.”

Jilhaj refers to the Arabic month beginning early January.

The proclamation includes non-Muslim women as well as professed Muslims. “Women, including non-Muslims, are hereby advised not to go out of home without burqas. Virtue must be made universal,” said Donkai.

The edict will be enforced by armed Mujahideen disguised as women, says Donkai, because the baggy, sack-like burqas are ideal for concealing weapons.

Former U.S. president Bill Clinton is trying to organize a nude protest of this new threat to womankind. “Any woman who will join my protest movement will have both my attention and admiration,” Clinton said.

Clinton also pointed out the enhanced security aspects of his movement: “The real women will be easy to identify. They will have nowhere to conceal weapons. There won’t be any surfaces for pesky DNA to cling to.”

The public reaction to both the Islamist initiative and Clinton’s countermeasure has been mixed.