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JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News
Bin Laden Files Suit Over Wiretaps December 23, 2005
“These illegal invasions of my private phone conversations with my friends have caused me both tangible and intangible harm,” Bin Laden said. “I am worried. A great many of my friends have not returned my calls. My fundraising efforts have been hampered. The list goes on and on.” Senator Russ Feingold (D-Wis.), co-author of the McCain-Feingold Suppression of Free Speech Act, warned that Bin Laden’s suit is the first of many to be expected. “This Administration is lunging from one attempt to protect America to another in a seemingly endless assault on the nation’s enemies,” Feingold said. “Attempting to intercept al-Qaeda’s phone calls is a violation of privacy that cannot be tolerated.” Rep. John Conyers (D-Mich.), the top Democrat on the House Judiciary Committee, is demanding that President Bush be impeached for this “grievous affront to privacy.” “This country’s enemies are entitled to the full protections of the Bill of Rights, even if it kills us,” Conyers said. “I’ve read the Constitution front-to-back. There are no exceptions for murderous fanatics, suicide bombers or illegal aliens.” Conyers maintains that until a crime has been committed, “all must be presumed innocent. We can’t have the government secretly spying on suspected terrorists,” he Conyers. “The Constitution assures all that they have the right to face their accusers. They have the right to a speedy and public trial.” Conyers says all suspected targets must be served with a warrant noting the government’s intent to place them under surveillance. “This will give them the opportunity to exercise their rights through the courts and force the Administration to prove its case before it can take steps against these suspects,” Conyers said. Conyers contends that the deterrent effect of his suggested approach would be substantial. “Imagine the terrorist who receives notice he is under surveillance. Do you think he will seriously contemplate continuing his hostile plans once he knows he is being watched?” Conyers asked. “The president has overlooked the powerful deterrent effect of the court-issued warrant.” In related news, John Walker Lindh, the man from California who was captured in 2001 fighting for al-Qaeda in Afghanistan, is seeking early release from prison. Lindh, who has been in prison since January 2003, says that, “For three long-years I have not fought against America. This is longer than the few months I did. As far as I can see, I’ve more than paid my debt to society.” Lindh says that after his release he hopes to travel and continue his study of the Quran in the lands where it rules. Critics Say Iraqi Election Resolves Nothing The seemingly successful Iraqi election of December 15 came under critical scrutiny from several quarters. Senator Harry Reid (D-Nev.), minority leader, pointed out that persons of differing political vision were elected. “There is no consensus on policy in Iraq,” Reid said. “Iraq is headed for contentious disagreements between political parties over legislation, taxes and foreign affairs. I see no harmony of viewpoints.” Senator John Kerry (D-Mass.) speculated that factions within the Iraqi Parliament might attempt to impeach leaders of opposing parties. “There could be disagreements over policy, accusations of scandals or corruption, that, you know, might cause one party to oppose another,” Kerry said. “Some of the campaign ads I saw made accusations that an opposing party’s election would be bad for the country. This portends a repeated cycle of clashes between opposing visions in future Iraqi elections. Is democracy really possible when we see this kind of contentious struggle for votes?” Fritz Derpimple, assistant vice-chair of Election Law for the American Bar Association, opined that Iraq may not have a sufficient quantity of lawyers for self-governance. “As I see it, too much of the responsibility is granted to Parliament,” said Derpimple. “There is no assurance that judges and lawyers can correct the errors made by voters or Members of Parliament. This is a recipe for disaster.” Peter Buttrick, press contact for the Gay & Lesbian Advocates & Defenders (GLAD), observed that no openly homosexual candidates were even running in the Iraqi elections. “How can we consider Iraq to be truly democratic if gays are afraid to declare themselves?” Buttrick asked. “The court needs to step in and legalize same-sex marriage.” Buttrick contends that this will make homosexual people feel more normal and perhaps encourage them to take a more active public role. House Approves Mexican Border Fence The U.S. House of Representatives voted to build nearly 700 miles of fence along the U.S.-Mexico border. The vote, 260-159, came on an amendment to a border-security and employer-verification bill. Rep. Conyers denounced the measure as incompatible with his vision of a democratic society. “This fence sends the wrong message,” he Conyers. “It is telling Mexican to stay home, that their voices are not to be heard in our electoral process. It’s heinous and extreme.” Rep. Sam Farr, (D-Calif.) says that the fence will deter 11 million illegals from visiting relatives during holidays. “I am ashamed to see Congress passing such a bill during our annual non-denominational, multi-faithed/non-faithed holiday observance,” Farr said. “It makes ‘gringo’ synonymous with ‘grinch.’“ Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean characterized the move as “a politically motivated attempt to suppress the Democratic vote.” Dean says the DNC may file suit if the measure is enacted into law. “The Republicans are pursuing a non-stop jihad against the Democratic constituency,” Dean said. “This effort to bar Mexicans from voting follows other actions against felons and deceased voters. If Republicans have their way, only living, law-abiding American citizens would be allowed to vote. I would not want to live in a society governed by such a narrow gang of elitists.” Dean’s complaints were echoed by Mexican President Vicente Fox. “This fence will disenfranchise us,” Fox said. “It will deny us the right to participate in the governing process. It is an affront to democracy.” Fox says he will hire lawyers to fight this fence all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court. “We are a free people. The Americans have no right to keep us out.” Dead Voters Carry Election for Democrat Results of a state senate election in western Tennessee showed Democrat Ophelia Ford had edged Republican Terry Roland in the race to fill the seat previously held by Ford’s brother, John, who was forced to resign after being indicted on bribery charges. The margin of victory was just 13 votes out of 8,750 cast. The margin of victory may have been provided by 60 deceased voters. Buster Chops, spokesman for the Tennessee Democratic Party, credited an aggressive outreach program to register and cast votes for recently departed Tennesseeans. “Republicans tend to overlook this segment of the population,” Chops said. “It’s part of their overall neglect of the disadvantaged elements of society.” Chops hopes the outcome vindicates his controversial “obituary watch” program where party staffers comb the newspaper obituaries and cross-reference them with voter registration lists. “There’s no reason why the dead should be left out of our democratic process,” he Chops. “The dead have rights. They are concerned about the world left behind for their children. They don’t want Republicans destroying that world.” Chops says he recognizes that the party’s major push is to secure the illegal alien vote. “The problem is many of the illegals resist our efforts out of fear of being deported,” Chops said. “The dead have no such fears.” Chops is confident that the proven success of his approach in Tennessee will convince national party leaders to give it another look. New Jersey Chooses a New State Slogan There were nearly 8,000 proposed state slogans entered in the contest launched by the governor. The search for a new slogan was prompted by widespread agreement that “New Jersey: The Garden State” slogan was misleading. “When people get a whiff of New Jersey, the word ‘garden’ is just about the last thing that comes to mind,” acting Gov. Richard J. Codey said. “We needed something more appropriate.” The State Slogan Commission appointed to review the suggestions settled on “New Jersey: It’s Not as Bad as You Think.” Chairman of the commission, Alfonso “Cheesy” Romano, says the new slogan is meant to strike a balance between boosterism and honesty. “We feel the new slogan conveys a modestly positive image without setting the bar too high,” Romano said. “This should help mitigate the natural feeling of disappointment that sets in for most visitors after the first few hours of looking for the ‘silver lining.’ If visitors go away thinking, ‘Hey, New Jersey wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be’ we’ll have accomplished our goal.” The new slogan is slated to appear on license plates beginning next summer. More than 1,000 billboards have been leased along key roadways. A few are inside the Newark Airport terminal. Negotiations are also underway to incorporate the new slogan in a skit on the long-running TV show “Saturday Night Live.” Hussein Claims Torture Saddam Hussein, on trial for multiple murders of Iraqis, asserted in court that he has been tortured by American guards. “I was eating my customary bag of Cheetos when suddenly my mouth was on fire!” Hussein exclaimed. “The Americans are sadistic swine. They have no concept of human decency.” The U.S. Army claims it was an inadvertent mistake that resulted in Hussein being supplied with “Hot Cheetos” rather than the standard “More Cheesiest” variety he favors. Even so, the new anti-torture guidelines adopted at the urging of Senator John McCain (R-Ariz.) require that the soldier involved be dealt with harshly. Corporal Jamal Johnson, who was on duty when the errant Cheetos made their way into Hussein’s cell, is to be reduced in rank and dishonorably discharged. Johnson, who had hoped to make a career in the Army was visibly distraught over his discharge. “How could I know?” Johnson asked. “I never eat Cheetos. I didn’t know there were different types.” Senator McCain said it is unfortunate that Johnson’s career has been destroyed, but that it was necessary for the U.S. to demonstrate a “zero tolerance” for any act that could be interpreted as discomforting to enemy prisoners under our control.
John Semmens'
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