Baltimore Bureaucrats Block Sandwiches for Homeless

The Baltimore City Health Department said they are protecting the homeless. "Unless these college kids can prove they are as safe as any other restaurant, we cannot allow it," said Mona Hungerford for the Department. "Licensing serves as a check to make sure homeless persons are protected."

Hungerford suggested that the homeless could rely upon "their traditional foraging strategies" in the wake of the City's crackdown. "Restaurant dumpsters are not held to the same standards," said Hungerford. "The City is not blocking them from getting their food there. We're not heartless, you know."

Big Bird Charged with Murder

Beloved Sesame Street muppet Big Bird was charged with felony murder in the death of a Woodstock jogger whose battered body was found on property owned by the muppet.

Bird told police that he mistook Judith Nilan, a 44-year-old middle school social worker, for his normal prey. “I was hiding in the bushes waiting for my dinner to come along,” Bird explained. “It wasn’t until after I made the kill that I realized it was a person.”

Under the capital felony count, prosecutors can seek the death penalty or life in prison without parole for Bird.

State police dispute Bird's story, saying in the affidavit that there’s no way Bird could’ve mistaken Nilan for a pigeon (Bird’s normal prey). State's Attorney Emma Cook will seek the death penalty. “We think Bird should fry for this crime,” said Cook. “His celebrity status makes it that much more important that we send a message that says this sort of violence cannot be forgiven.”

The case was discussed on PBS’s “News Hour” program without a consensus being reached. Tenderheart Bear, one of the “Care Bears,” advocated clemency for Bird, saying his years of work entertaining children offset his guilt in this one instance. Elmer Fudd, taking a stand against what he called “excessive wascaliness,” offered to shoot Bird with his shotgun.

Fox News, claiming that this isn’t an isolated incident, is planning a special tentatively entitled “When Muppets Go Bad.”

Senator Craig Explains His Vote on the Patriot Act

Republican Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho) cited Hillary Clinton as the reason he opposes renewing the Patriot Act in its current form, saying Mrs. Clinton would be likely to abuse the security measure if she becomes president

Senator Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) thanked Craig for his endorsement of her candidacy for the presidency and concurred with his assessment of the Patriot Act. “There are sufficient laws already on the books for me to abuse once I’m president,” Clinton said. “America doesn’t need the Patriot Act.”

“Brokeback Mountain” Success Inspires Hollywood

Exhibitor Relations Co. reports that over Dec. 10-11 weekend, the film brought in the highest per-screen average for any film release in 2005. "Brokeback Mountain" has also landed awards from the Los Angeles Film Critics Associations and the New York Film Critics Circle.

Plans are now in the works to do a gay/bestiality version of the “Lone Ranger.”

Pinky Sfinktir, press secretary for the Screen Actors’ Guild, called the move a “no-brainer.” “If movie-goers turn out to see two no-name cowboys go at it, imagine the impact when icons like the Lone Ranger and Tonto hit the sack together,” said Sfinktir.

The bestiality angle is motivated by two goals, says Sfinktir. “On the one hand, there is the creative desire to push the envelope,” Sfinktir said. “The gay thing has been pretty much mainstreamed for the American viewing audiences. We need to take it to the next level.”

“On the other hand, the famous ‘hi-yo Silver’ catch-phrase is a natural marketing hook for promoting the film,” said Sfinktir.

The plotline starts out with the Lone Ranger’s special relationship with Silver. One evening, Tonto dons the rear half of a horse costume and seduces a drunken Lone Ranger. Eventually, a passionate three-way relationship is established. When not engaged in carnal interactions, the heroes track down and arrest an outlaw gang that has perpetrated a series of hate-crimes against a gay “Dude Ranch.”

Other homofied stories in the mill include action-adventure “Batman & Robin (the Boy Wonder),” historical epic “Robinhood & His Very Merry Men,” and a musical-comedy “Man of la Macho.”

Chinese Woman Faces Execution for Illegal Entry to Mexico

Cheng Xueying, a Chinese woman illegally in Mexico, was arrested after giving birth in an IMSS (Mexican Social Security) hospital.

Sources within the National Migration Institute (INM) at the Mexico City airport, explained that the woman may face execution for using falsified identity documents.

Sources at the PGR (federal attorney general's office) explained that a formal accusation before the PGR can be filed because of the attempt at fraud. If the accusation is presented, the woman can be put to death.

“We cannot allow foreigners to flaunt our laws,” said Deputy Attorney General Pedro Pomposa. “Illegally entering the sacred territory of Mexico is a slap in the face to every law-abiding citizen. Uncontrolled immigration would dilute our culture. No penalty is too harsh in our battle to preserve the integrity of our borders.”

Cheng, who says she fled China in pursuit of greater economic opportunity, can avoid execution if benefactors pay the traditional bribe to ransom her.

Police officers shot and killed a man who, officials say, was attempting to rob the Dunkin' Donuts at 14631 Pulaski Rd. in Midlothian with his handgun drawn, leaving officers no choice but to shoot him.

“We reserve the use of deadly force for extreme circumstances,” Sgt. Ethan “Hulk” Jackson said. “Robbery of a doughnut shop is one of those extreme circumstances. I can’t tell you how many on the force are keenly dependent upon this particular shop. Our entire readiness as a unit is contingent upon a fulsome supply of freshly baked doughnuts.”

Jackson says the department is confident the threat has been contained and that a curfew won’t be necessary.

Gitmo Hunger Strike Intensifies

The U.S. military reported a major surge since Christmas Day in the number of Guantanamo Bay prisoners taking part in a nearly 5-month-old hunger strike, with 84 currently refusing food.

The detainees launched their strike in early August after the military reneged on promises to provide gourmet mustard. “They are trying to foist off run-of-the-mill yellow mustard as the best they can offer,” said Mohammed Kamilhind, spokesman for the strikers. “The Geneva Conventions, according to lawyers we consulted, require that detainees be granted their choice of condiments.”

“We are willing to die for our principles,” said Kamilhind. “Yellow mustard may be adequate for hot dog-eating American riff-raff, but it is an abomination to Allah. We will not tolerate it.”

The United States currently holds approximately 500 detainees at Gitmo, most captured in Afghanistan and many held for nearly four years without access to proper gourmet cuisine.

Massive Wind Farm Planned for Capitol

200 giant turbines will dot the landscape surrounding the U.S. capitol dome. Some will stand more than 300 feet in height. 

The new wind farm is expected to generate enough electricity from rising hot air and methane to power more than 90-thousand homes. Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Mass.) alone is expected to emit enough gaseous matter to power over 5,000 homes.

The project is headed by Greenlight Energy Inc. of Charlottesville, Virginia. 

"The emissions from Congress have been an overlooked resource for too long,” said Gus Philmore, spokesman for Greenlight.

Although some regard the pending energy project as a potential embarrassment, the recent surge in gasoline prices finally prompted Congress to give the go-ahead. “We tried to get drilling in Alaska authorized, but that was blocked by environmental knuckleheads,” said Sen. Ted Stevens (R-Alaska). “This is the best we could do given the current make up of the Senate.”

Construction of the wind farm is slated to begin in 2006.

Phoenix’s Valley Metro Unfazed by NYC Transit Strike

Observing the masses of commuters stranded when the New York City public transit system shut down due to a strike, people were worried that a future strike in Phoenix could shut down the new light rail system. Valley Metro, operator of the Phoenix light rail system, sought to reassure area residents. "So few people are expected to use the light rail that we are confident our back-up system will be able to ease the impact," said Richard J. Simonetta, chief executive officer for Valley Metro.

The back-up plan is for Simonetta's brother-in-law to temporarily turn his van into a public carrier. "It's quite a big vehicle," said Simonetta. "With the cargo space converted to seating it can handle eight passengers."

Some analysts speculate that a transit strike might actually reduce traffic congestion. Streets are blocked while trains cross them. Lines of cars back up behind buses that are loading passengers. Whether transit diverts enough people from driving their own cars to offset these negative effects is unknown, especially in cities like Phoenix where transit accounts for only 1 percent of travel. So, it is possible that a strike might actually ease traffic congestion.