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JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News
Meanwhile, a poll in the United States of likely Democratic voters showed that 68 percent would not vote for Osama bin Laden in 2008 even if he were to win the Democratic nomination for president. Spokesmen for the bin Laden camp were undismayed. “Considering that it is early in the campaign season, we are encouraged that up to 32 percent of Democrats would be willing to back Osama were he to capture the nomination,” said Abba Babba, press secretary for al-Qaeda. Bin Laden is said to be forging an anti-war platform. “Americans are weary of war,” said Babba. “We believe our ‘Vote bin Laden or Die’ theme will resonate with these voters.” Possible running mates under consideration include Senator Dick Durbin (D-Ill.), George Clooney (Hollywood leftist), and Cindy Sheehan (roving goofball). Alito Statement on Law Assailed Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito faced a firestorm of criticism after remarking that “no person is above the law.” “This is the kind of inflexibility we expected from a Bush nominee,” said Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Mass.). “In my view, a judge needs to consider the circumstances. For example, suppose a promising young man were to accidentally drive an automobile off of a bridge and a person were to drown. A judge shouldn’t hold to some rigid set of rules that could cost this man his career.” Sen. Durbin found Alito’s reliance upon U.S. law “troubling. I mean, what does Alito mean by ‘the law?’” asked Durbin. “There are many foreign laws to consider. And what about the ‘unwritten law’ everybody talks about? Alito’s perspective may be too narrow to suit my taste.” Senator Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y.) says Alito’s statement may disqualify him. “Alito’s rigid adherence to the law is out of the mainstream of recent jurisprudence,” said Schumer. “We may have to filibuster this nomination.” Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-Vermont) said, "A number of us have been troubled by what see as inconsistencies in some of Judge Alito's answers. For example, Alito says he will judge each case on its merits. This means that different cases could end up with different decisions. This is not the type of knee-jerk consistency we need from the court. We need justices who will consistently agree that Roe v. Wade is a precedent that must stand for all time, no matter what the circumstances of any particular case may be." Sen. Sam Brownback (R-Kan.) rebutted Leahy's comments, saying some Supreme Court decisions are indefensible and invite reconsideration. "The court has overturned more than 200 precedents, including the infamous Dred Scott and Plessy v. Ferguson decisions, for that very reason," said Brownback. Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced that he also opposes Alito. “This Alito knows nothing of Islamic law,” said Ahmadinejad. “I would like to see someone who takes alternative laws into consideration, like Justice Anthony Kennedy did in that gay rights case a couple of years ago. Besides, this Alito may be a Jew. Samuel is a Jewish name. We must wipe Jews from the face of the Earth, not appoint them as judges.” Florida Supreme Court Rules on Schools In a 5-2 decision, the Florida Supreme Court invalidated the state’s school voucher program. The program started in 1999 permitted students from “failing” public schools to obtain vouchers that could be used in private schools. In ruling against the vouchers, the court referenced the state constitution’s requirement that public education be “uniform.” “Vouchers enable the few to escape from the failure imposed on the many,” said Florida’s chief justice, Barbara J. Pariente. “Since uniform excellence is unattainable, the only legal option is uniform mediocrity -- if that can be achieved.” The state teachers’ union was prepared to hail the decision until they read the full text. Not only have vouchers been outlawed, but everything that distinguishes the education of one child from another has also been struck down by the court. The list of forbidden practices includes offering of honors classes and electives. “An honors course offers more than the standard course in the same subject,” Pariente wrote for the majority. “Electives are inherently non-uniform. These practices are barred by the state constitution.” The court directed that differences between quality of instruction that occur because some teachers are better than others are to be remedied by shifting to taped lectures that can be uniformly provided to all schools. “The one best teacher for each subject can record his or her lessons on tape for mass distribution throughout the state,” wrote Pariente. “Inferior teachers can be replaced by day-care and custodial personnel who will operate the video playback machinery. Fiscal savings realized under this plan can be used to upgrade judicial salaries throughout the state.” The potential negative impact of the decision was waved aside by Pariente. “Not everyone can be well-educated,” said Pariente. “But with the proper measures in place we can come pretty close to achieving universal ignorance.” PETA’s Peace Plan PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) President Ingrid E. Newkirk called for an end to war crimes against animals. “Every day, millions of animals, who pledge allegiance to no flag, and who have done nothing to provoke aggression, are the victims of the longest running undeclared war in human history: the war on the animal nations,” Newkirk said. Newkirk found support for PETA’s position in the words of Muhammad. “Muhammad preached compassion and kindness toward all living beings. He condemned those who branded animals and stated that is a great sin for man to imprison animals who are in his power.” Newkirk was unable to reconcile Islam’s directives to be kind to animals with its virulent anti-Semitism. “According to Islamic doctrine, Allah turned Jews into apes,” said Newkirk. “As apes, Jews ought to be protected by Muhammad’s kindness toward animals directive. Yet, Muslims also believe a tormented doom awaits the Jews in the fires of Hell.” Newkirk sees a potential breakthrough in PETA’s proposal to extend the right to vote to all animals. “If all animals had the right to vote, the ape/Jew conundrum would be eliminated,” said Newkirk. “We’d also have universal peace because I can’t see a single animal voting for war.” Carnivores killing and eating other animals is to be averted by massive investment in the production of meat-substitutes. “There is sufficient protein in tofu to meet the needs of even the hungriest lion,” said Newkirk. “All we need is the will to make it happen.” John Murtha Won’t Join the Military Rep. John Murtha (D-Pa.) has declined to re-enlist in the Marines. Murtha asserted that an Army career was incompatible with his career goals. “While the Army or Marines might be a good choice for some, it is not for me anymore,” said Murtha. Murtha says he aspires to be a “nattering nabob” instead. “Ever since Vice-President Agnew spoke about ‘nattering nabobs’ I knew I wanted to be one,” said Murtha. “A nabob is a person of great wealth or prominence. Who wouldn’t want to be one? If I can get there by nattering I’d be damned happy.” Murtha’s strategy is to speak out as often as possible while keeping the content simple and repetitive. “I think I’ve shown considerable skill at nattering in my job at congress,” Murtha boasted. “My prominence has already received a giant boost. There are nearly 2 million mentions of me on the web now.” Murtha, who spent over 30 years in the Marines when he was younger, admitted he is too “blobby” and obnoxious to make the grade as a Marine today. Taliban Beheads Teacher Armed Taliban militants decapitated Malim Abdul Habib in his home in the town of Qalat late Tuesday and forced his wife and children to watch, said Ali Khail, a provincial government spokesman. Habib was the headmaster of Shaikh Mathi Baba high school, which is attended by 1,300 boys and girls. The insurgents claim that educating girls is against Islam. “Educated women will never copulate with the goatly men of the Taliban,” said Ibeh Reekmanh, spokesman for the militants. “What choice do we have? We must take action to preserve our way of life.” Reekmanh said that the decapitation was necessary when the previous practice of savage beatings proved an insufficient deterrent. Dean Corrects Statement on Abramoff Scandal Democratic National Committee chairman Howard Dean, who first denied that any Democrats had taken money from lobbyist Jack Abramoff, was forced to amend his earlier remarks when presented with a list of 40 Senate Democrats who received money from the embattled lobbyist. “When I said no Democrats had taken money from Abramoff I meant ‘practically none,’” said Dean. “There are millions of Democrats in this country. The 40 senators who got money from Abramoff represent an insignificant percentage of the total number of Democrats.” Asked if this logic wouldn’t also apply to Republicans, Dean replied, “No. Republicans are pure evil. The small number of Republicans reported as receiving contributions from Abramoff has to be just the tip of a huge iceberg of under-the-surface transactions.” Dean says he wouldn’t be surprised if every registered Republican in the country was getting Abramoff money. “Everyone knows that Republicans are filthy rich,” said Dean. “Who’s to say that they haven’t gotten that way from Abramoff payoffs?” Dean attributed the questions about the accuracy of his statements to media bias against Democrats. Al Franken to Run for Senate Al Franken has moved his radio show from New York City to his home state of Minnesota, in anticipation of a U.S. Senate run for 2008. The host of "The Al Franken Show" on Air America radio says he made the move to meet the residency requirement. "For some stupid reason, the Constitution requires senators to be residents of the states from which they are elected," complained Franken. Franken acknowledges that he may be a long shot. "I mean, I'm way out of shape for a race," said Franken. "I don't have running shoes. I'm not even sure of the distance. I hope it's a dash rather than one of the longer ones. Well, at least my opponent won't be some young punk. The rules block anyone under 30 from running. This should give an aging windbag like myself a decent chance."
John Semmens'
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poll of Afghans show huge majorities reject al-Qaeda and the Taliban and
approve the U.S. military role in their country. The survey by the
Program on International Policy Attitudes (PIPA) at the University of
Maryland also found 81 percent think al-Qaeda is a negative influence in
the world and 90 percent have an unfavorable view of Osama bin Laden
himself.