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JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News
January 22, 2005
"Republican taskmasters forced us to spend long hours working on legislation," said Clinton. "They insisted that we attend lengthy committee meetings to hear boring testimony on complicated issues. They demanded that we cast votes on judicial nominees. They contradicted our arguments. We have been treated like virtual slaves." Senate majority leader Bill Frist (R-Tenn.) objected to being portrayed as "some kind of Simon Legree" (the villain in the anti-slavery novel Uncle Tom's Cabin). "I could point out that these are the normal duties expected of all members of congress--Republicans and Democrats alike," said Frist. "Senator Clinton was not forced into office. She is not chained to her desk. She is never whipped. There is no risk that she will be bought or sold." Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) came to Clinton's defense, asserting that congressional Democrats are virtual slaves. "The Republicans have total power," said Obama. "The chair every committee. They hold all the majority leadership posts. In every key battle the Democrats are whipped by the Republicans." Obama further bolstered his support of Clinton's remarks by pointing out that Democrats are bought on a regular basis by special interests. "Democrats are owned by special interests," said Obama. "Are you telling me this isn't slavery?" New York City Councilman Charles Barron disagreed with Obama, and called Clinton's speech "contrived and condescending." "No senator has the right to compare her minor inconveniences to the abuses suffered by a slave," Barron said. Barron suggested that the proper response would be to slap Republicans' faces. He said he would do it himself, but was afraid he might break a fingernail. Biden Says Confirmation Hearings No Longer Useful Senator Joe Biden (D-Del.) believes Senate confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominees should be abandoned. Biden says the humiliation he and other Democrats suffered at the hands of Roberts and Alito have left him feeling depressed. “These judges are really smart,” complained Biden. “We can’t fake ‘em or shake ‘em. We’re wasting everyone’s time.” Biden told NBC's "Today" show he’d like to see a system wherein the nominee is tied up in a sack and each senator is allowed one whack with a baseball bat. “This would play to our strengths,” said Biden. “If the nominee survives, he gets to go on the court.” Myron Cornole of the American Civil Liberties Union called Biden’s proposal “intriguing,” but said it will require more study before his organization can take a position. In related news, former senator and vice-presidential candidate John Edwards (D-N.C.) called for Democrats to use whatever means necessary to block the nomination of Samuel Alito to the Supreme Court. “If Alito replaces the moderate Sandra Day O'Connor, who often proved to be the swing vote on important cases, the Supreme Court will shift dangerously to the right,” said Edwards. Edwards said he wouldn’t rule out any tactic, including strapping a bomb on somebody and blowing up the Supreme Court itself if the nomination is not stopped by a senate filibuster. “We cannot allow this monster who would deny women the right to murder their own unborn children to rise to a position where he could cast the vote to overturn Roe v. Wade,” said Edwards. A Zogby poll indicated that only 23 percent of those surveyed would support bombing the Supreme Court and then only if Edwards himself were the suicide bomber. Magazine Makes Case for Impeachment The left-leaning Nation magazine laid out a case for impeaching President Bush. In an article in the latest issue of the magazine, Elizabeth Holtzman listed the “high crimes and misdemeanors” that form the foundation of the case. “The crimes of George Bush are legion,” wrote Holtzman. “He has stolen two elections, deposed the legitimate governments of two foreign nations, violated the privacy of international terrorists, appointed conservative judges, repeatedly used bad grammar, and has a smirking face we just can’t stand.” A survey of Nation subscribers showed a majority favor impeaching the president. “There is no way Bush can stand against this rising tide of popular opposition,” wrote Holtzman. Nation has only 160,000 subscribers. However, Holtzman described these readers as “highly efficacious voters.” “Most of our readers are active voters,” wrote Holtzman. “Many have voted multiple times for Bush’s opponents in the last two elections.” Holtzman went on to point out that Nation readers have already written over a dozen letters to the Democratic leadership in congress demanding that they begin impeachment hearings. Wisconsin Governor Vetoes Concealed Carry Bill Democratic Gov. Jim Doyle says he will veto a bill that would legalize the carrying of concealed weapons in Wisconsin. "Violence is not the answer," said Doyle. "If we keep guns illegal, the police will know that whoever has a gun is a criminal." Asked how victims should protect themselves, Doyle responded that they shouldn't. "We have to stop the cycle of violence," said Doyle. "Allowing victims to return fire only perpetuates the cycle. Victims should 'turn the other cheek' to their attackers." Doyle asserted that most criminals will not shoot unarmed victims unless it is necessary to eliminate them as witnesses. "If you avert your gaze from your attacker he may see that you will not able to identify him and let you live," observed Doyle. "Even if the criminal does shoot you, we will have just a single casualty. If victims return fire we could have multiple casualties." Wisconsin is one of four states that do not allow the carrying of concealed weapons. The others are Kansas, Nebraska and Illinois. In related news, the Illinois governor and Chicago mayor called for a state assault weapons ban. Continuing the effort to protect their regimes from possible popular uprisings, Governor Rod R. Blagojevich and Chicago Mayor Richard Daley renewed their call to pass a state assault weapons ban. The governor rallied support with Mayor Daley, legislators and advocates against private gun ownership, for a bill that would ban the manufacture, possession and delivery of semiautomatic assault weapons. "Congress made a terrible mistake when it allowed the federal Assault Weapons Ban to expire. Now these firearms are making their way into the hands of more citizens," said Governor Blagojevich. "When the people are armed, I get nervous." Last year, a weapons ban sponsored by Rep. Edward Acevedo (D-Chicago) was narrowly defeated in the Illinois House. "Weapons empower our citizens. We must do whatever we can to take them away," said Rep. Acevedo. Last summer, Governor Blagojevich vetoed three bills backed by the National Rifle Association. Bin Laden Seeks Truce Hurting from the attrition in al-Qaeda’s ranks, Osama bin Laden is proposing a truce, according to a tape aired by al-Jazeera. “Many of my friends and closest collaborators have been killed by the infidel crusaders,” said bin Laden. “We haven’t been able to plan anything big. We need time to regroup. That is why I am asking Mr. Bush for a truce.” The recent death of key al-Qaeda operatives, including Midhat Mursi al-Sayid Umar, an al-Qaida explosives expert, in an air strike by the U.S. is believed to be the proximate cause of bin Laden’s desire for a ceasefire. Bin Laden’s plea for a truce stands in contrast to Abu Musab al-Zarqawi’s claim of progress in al-Qaeda’s bid to rid the world of infidels. "Since the start of mujahedeen operations after the fall of the Baathist regime, nearly 80,000 martyr operations aimed at crusader targets and military convoys have been carried out. I estimate we have killed 400 Americans," Zarqawi said. Zarqawi says it is only a matter of time before sharia (Islamic law) is in place everywhere on the entire Earth. “In another two or three million years, victory will be ours,” said Zarqawi. Study Shows Comedy Is Good for Your Heart A University of Maryland (UM) study found that watching comedy boosts blood flow to the heart. Researchers asked 20 healthy young adults to watch 5- to 30-minute segments of sad movies and humorous films. Researchers found brachial artery blood flow was reduced in 70 percent of participants after watching movie clips that caused distress. But it was increased in 95 percent of participants after watching movie clips that elicited laughter. The difference in flow between sad and comedy films exceeded 50 percent. "The political implications of these research findings are profound," said Josh Moore, associate professor of biology at UM. "The comedy film clips featuring President Clinton's escapades with Monica helped relieve tension in the subjects. The serious film clips showing Bush speeches about the war on terror increased anxiety." "Our findings indicate that Americans would be more heart-healthy with a risible president than a serious leader," said Moore. "This would indicate that the ideal candidates for a heart-healthy America would include persons like Al Sharpton and Dennis Kucinich." Moore declined to speculate on impacts outside of heart-health. "I'm no expert on international politics," said Moore. "So, I can't say what effect having a laughter-inducing chief executive would have on foreign policy or national security." The UM study is detailed in the journal Heart. Senator Questions Pentagon Surveillance Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif.) asked for answers on a Pentagon spying program. "Why was I not monitored?" Feinstein wrote in a letter to Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld. “I’m an important opponent of the Bush Administration.” Feinstein demanded to know who selects the targets for surveillance. "What authorities, and under what regulations, do military counterintelligence units determine which persons will be scrutinized?" she asked. In a press conference, Feinstein said she saw this as evidence of sexism in the Bush Administration. “We’ve gone from the Clinton years when the president devoted great attention to women to the Bush Administration’s neglect,” said Feinstein. Pentagon spokesman, Commander Greg Hicks, said he had not seen Feinstein's letter and doubted there would be time and resources devoted to reading it. “We are targeting this country’s dangerous enemies,” said Hicks. “We don’t have the time to keep track of every numbskull whose blithering might prove some comfort to them.”
John Semmens'
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Reeling
from negative reactions to her characterization of congress as akin to a
"plantation," Senator Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) defended herself by
listing the cruelties and humiliations heaped upon her by the senate's
Republican overlords.