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JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News
Castro Drops to 15th on ‘Worst Dictators’ List January 27, 2006
“Fidel has dedicated his life to oppressing the Cuban people,” said Mal Huevo, Castro’s press secretary. “He deserves more respect.” Experts doubt Castro will be able to ascend into the top tier of tyrants. “The bar has been raised,” says Ben Guttmann of the Hoover Institution on War, Revolution, and Peace. “Simply impoverishing your people and jailing dissidents is not enough to achieve a high ranking. You need massacres and threats of Armageddon to compete with some of the lunatics running a lot of these countries.” Castro is still smarting from the failure of his “Martyrs for Marx” initiative last year. Instead of blowing themselves up at the strategically selected targets, all of the volunteers simply escaped to asylum in the United States. Castro is said to be thinking of converting to Islam. “Those Muslims really know how to commit an atrocity,” said Huevo. “Fidel admires their courage. But converting may not work out. He also loves pork.” Reid Apologizes to GOP Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid apologized to 33 Republican senators singled out for ethics criticism in a report from his office titled "Republicans Are Scum Bags." "The document released by my office yesterday went too far and I want to convey to you my personal regrets," Reid said in a letter. "I am writing to apologize for the tone of this document. We never should have used the phrase ‘scum bag’ to refer to our senate colleagues. ‘Slime balls’ is as far as we should’ve gone.” Reid also said he regretted singling out individual senators for criticism. Reid promised that this would be an “isolated incident’ and that the Democratic Party could be counted on to return to its traditional practice of broad-based character assassination. Democrat Tire Slashers Offer Bizarre Defense Five Democratic activists are on trial for slashing the tires of vans rented by the Republican Party to shuttle voters to the polls on the morning of Election Day in 2004. Michael Pratt, the son of then-acting Milwaukee Mayor Marvin Pratt; Sowande Omokunde, the son of Rep. Gwen Moore (D-Wis.); and the three other defendants are charged with criminal damage to property — a felony that carries a maximum sentence of three and a half years in prison and a $10,000 fine. Republican campaigners had rented more than 100 vehicles for a get-out-the-vote campaign. The vehicles were parked in a lot adjacent to a Bush campaign office, and party workers planned to drive voters to polling places. Prosecutors contend that the five men punctured the tires of the vans early in the morning, before the Republican headquarters opened. Attorneys for the five defendants, however, argued that since the slashings were part of a broader national campaign by the Democrats to prevent a large Republican turnout in key states, it was a legitimate campaign tactic. “Look, we all know Bush stole the 2000 election,” said defense attorney Ivan Steele. “Our clients were only trying to fight fire with fire.” Defense attorneys also demanded that charges of public urination against one of the defendants be dropped on the grounds that those running the Republican campaign headquarters failed to provide timely access to a restroom. Congressman Calls for Bush Impeachment Representative John Lewis (D-Ga.) says President Bush should be impeached for authorizing spying on Americans. “There’s nothing worse than spying on Americans,” said Lewis. “It doesn’t matter whether these calls were coming from known al-Qaeda sources. Phone calls are not a crime. Until a crime has been committed, terrorists are entitled to their privacy.” Howard Dean reinforced Lewis’s charges. “These wiretaps are worse than 9-11,” said Dean. “Bush is the real threat to our freedom.” Ayman al-Zawahiri, second in command of al-Qaeda, complains that since news of the wiretaps became public his girlfriend, who apparently is living in America, broke up with him. “All we had was phone-sex,” said Zawahiri. “Now Aisha refuses to take my calls.” Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Mass.) asserts that the Bush Administration’s interference with Zawahiri’s love life will only make things worse. “The bond between a man and a woman is sacred,” said Kennedy. “The Bush administration’s interference is a violation of Zawahiri’s human rights. This may well be an impeachable offense.” Data released by the National Security Agency revealed that the phone Zawahiri was calling was 900-HOT-****. Clinton List of Sanctions Mystifying Observers don’t know what to make of a letter to the White House from Senator Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) office. While the letter is titled: “The Need for Tough Sanctions Against Iran,” the content appears inappropriate. Item No. 1 on Senator Clinton’s list of sanctions is “must keep pants on and zipped, unless using the bathroom.” Item No. 2 is “must not be alone with any female at any time.” President Bush said he wouldn’t be taking any action based on the letter, nor would he issue a response. “I’m not sure what kind of pants they wear in Iran or whether they even have zippers,” said Bush. “My best guess is that Senator Clinton’s letter was sent to me in error. I think it was intended for another person on another issue.” Howard Dean, Democratic National Chairman denounced Bush’s refusal to take action or even respond as another demonstration of the Administration’s “do-nothing, stonewalling style of governing.” Terrorists Win Palestinian Election Hamas’ pledge to “exterminate the Jewish pestilence” swept the party to victory in the Palestinian elections. Dozens of Hamas supporters were killed in the exuberant celebrations following the announcement of voting results. “We provided weapons in anticipation they would be used to exterminate Jewish scum,” said a shaken Hamas spokesman Sheikh Yasser Mansour. “Obviously, more training is needed.” Most of the dead were victims of stray gunfire. Six were killed when some of this errant gunfire struck a bomb repository. The Hamas Party platform calls for open borders with Israel and pledges to equip munitions kiosks with firearms and explosives. “The flow of traffic across the border must not be impeded,” said Mansour. “We also must make it convenient for martyrs and attack strike forces to obtain the means for removing the Zionist presence in our land.” The Hamas victory was greeted with jubilation across the Muslim world. Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad praised Allah. “This brings us one step closer to the end of the world that we all look forward to,” said Ahmadinejad. “I can almost taste those 72 virgins.” Iraq's Weapons of Mass Destruction Secreted in Syria Iraqi general Georges Sada, who served as the No. 2 official in Saddam Hussein's air force, says Iraq moved weapons of mass destruction into Syria before the war by loading the weapons into civilian aircraft in which the passenger seats were removed. "There are weapons of mass destruction gone out from Iraq to Syria, and they must be found and returned to safe hands," Mr. Sada said. "I am confident they were taken over." Sada's comments come just more than a month after Israel's top general during Operation Iraqi Freedom, Moshe Yaalon, said that Saddam "transferred chemical agents from Iraq to Syria." Senator Clinton pounced on this new revelation as further evidence of the Bush Administration’s lies and failures. “They told us there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq,” Clinton complained. “Now we find out the weapons were in Syria. Bush lied. We attacked the wrong country.” Senator John Kerry (D-Mass,) demanded that the Bush Administration send a stern letter to Syria inquiring as to whether this allegation is true. “There is no question Bush lied,” said Kerry. “However, we still need to parse the nuances of that lie.” Kennedy & Kerry Say They Will Filibuster Alito Nomination Senators Kerry and Kennedy (D-Massive) vow to filibuster the vote on Samuel Alito’s nomination to the Supreme Court. “Mr. Alito did not serve in Vietnam,” said Kerry. “He’s never been shot at, never killed anyone. I can’t respect a man of my generation who’s done neither. Since there apparently will be enough votes in the Senate to confirm Alito, we have no choice but to work to prevent a vote.” “During his entire judicial career, Judge Alito has never shown that he understands the plight of the drunk and disorderly,” said Kennedy. “These unfortunate souls need sympathy. All Alito has to offer is harsh justice.” Since he is in Switzerland on a vacation planned months ago, Senator Kerry won’t be present to participate in the filibuster. He says he hopes Senate rules will be changed to permit him to filibuster via video conference call during breaks between ski runs. Senator Kennedy has arranged for staff members to ferry him whiskey so he won’t have to leave the floor of the Senate during the “extended debate.” Blix Advises Carrot, Not Stick for Iran Former UN chief weapons inspector Hans Blix urged that the world take a softer line toward Iran’s nuclear weapons program. “Iran is feeling very isolated right now,” said Blix. “I think if the United States were to offer its sincere apology for disrespecting its loony government and accompany the apology with a nice box of chocolates and maybe a dozen roses, Iranians would feel better.” Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said he will make no promises, but that it is up to the United States to make the first move. “The Americans used to invite us to parties and give us presents, but now all the attention is going to Iraq,” complained Ahmadinejad. “I am feeling lonely.” Ahmadinejad warned the U.S. that he has changed all the locks and will seek a restraining order if the harassment doesn’t stop.
John Semmens'
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Cuba’s
geriatric tyrant Fidel Castro was dismayed to discover he had fallen out
of the top 10 in Parade Magazine’s annual survey of the world’s
worst dictators.