Women Sue Wal-Mart
 

The plaintiffs argued that state policy requires pharmacies to provide all "commonly prescribed medicines."

Dan Fogleman, a spokesman for Bentonville, Ark.-based Wal-Mart said, "Wal-Mart chooses not to carry many products for business reasons. The women of Massachusetts are not without recourse. There are other stores nearby that stock this merchandise."

CVS, the state's largest pharmacy chain, stocks the pill at all of its drugstores.

Shirley Lademan, one of the plaintiffs, rejected Fogleman's suggestion that she buy the product elsewhere. "I got a Constitutional right to abort my fetus," said Laidman. "It's too much trouble to go down the street to the CVS. Wal-Mart's obliged to serve me."

Monty Banks, Ms. Lademan's attorney, warned that there could be multi-million-dollar "wrongful life" damages against Wal-Mart if it persists in refusing to supply this emergency contraceptive medication.

ACLU Demands Taxpayer Funded "Gender Reassignment Therapy" for Prisoners

The American Civil Liberties Union and Lambda Legal, an Atlanta-based advocacy group for homosexual, bisexual and transgender people, filed suit in U.S. District Court in Milwaukee on behalf of four male inmates seeking state-paid "gender reassignment therapy" after a new Wisconsin law barring the use of state tax money for prisoner sex changes went into effect. The ACLU claims that failure to fund the therapy would be cruel and unusual punishment and would violate their right to equal protection under law.

"The legislature is substituting its judgment for medical judgment, which is causing serious harm to our clients," said Manfred Cutright, the lawyer for three of the inmates. "These women have been trapped in men's bodies for decades--from before the time they committed any crimes. Isn't this cruel?" asked Cutright. "They are confined in prison with men. Isn't this unusual?"

Cutright contends that the government has an affirmative obligation to correct errors of nature. "These women have been denied their right to pursuit of happiness by accident of birth," said Cutright. "The government has an obligation to right this wrong under the Americans with Disabilities Act."

The legal fight over treatment started in 2003, when inmate Scott Konitzer filed a lawsuit against the Department of Corrections. Konitzer is serving 123 years in prison for multiple armed robberies and stabbing an inmate. Konitzer, who wants to be called Donna Dawn, has been getting taxpayer-funded hormone therapy since 1999.

"I wouldn't have had to rob anyone if the government had taken care of my need for gender reassignment," said Konitzer. "I wouldn't have had to stab my cellmate if I'd had the appropriate orifice to meet his needs."

Cutright says that in addition to providing gender reassignment therapy and surgery, the state should also release his clients. "The crimes for which these women are imprisoned were committed by the men in whose bodies they are trapped," said Cutright. "It is the men's bodies that should bear the punishment. It is our contention that the surgical procedure we demand amounts to a virtual 'death sentence' for these bodies and more than balances the scales of justice in these cases."

Cutright suggested that having his clients transferred to Virginia might also be an acceptable alternative. Virginia Sen. Emmett Hanger has proposed that voluntary castration be made an option for prison inmates.

Man Accused of Bridge Plot Wants Case Thrown Out

A lawyer for an Ohio trucker convicted of plotting to destroy the Brooklyn Bridge is asking a federal judge to throw out the case on the grounds that the government illegally spied on him.

“My client was unfairly caught through an illegal wiretap,” said Attorney David Smith, who is handling Faris' case. “The fact that he was intending to blow the Brooklyn Bridge does not excuse the government’s invasion of his sacred right to privacy.”

Faris pleaded guilty in 2003 to conspiracy and aiding and abetting terrorism, and was sentenced to 20 years in prison.

“I never would’ve admitted my crimes if I knowed they was using illegal tactics to catch me,” said Faris.

The case is being closely watched by others convicted of terrorist plots. Ali al-Timimi, convicted of exhorting followers to commit acts of terror is one of them. “If Faris walks, I’m demanding they reopen my case,” said al-Timimi.

Canada's Crime Rate Higher than U.S.

The most recent complete crime statistics available show that the violent crime rate in the United States was 475 per 100,000 people; while up north, there were 963 violent crimes per 100,000 people. The figure for sexual assault in Canada per 100,000 people was 74 as opposed to 32 for the U.S. The assault rate in Canada was 746 to America's 295.

Since the early 1990s, crime rates have dropped in 48 of the 50 states and 80 percent of American cities. Over that same period, crime rates have risen in six of the 10 Canadian provinces and in seven of Canada's 10 biggest cities, despite Canada's more stringent gun control laws.

Outgoing Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin blames the United States for his country's violent crime wave. Martin blamed America's "culture of violence," but was unable to explain why this culture would have more influence in Canada.

"Maybe Canadians watch more TV because of the cold weather," Martin guessed. "At least there's a 'silver lining.' Canada has national health care. Victims of crimes are assured cost-free access to medical treatment for injuries inflicted by thugs."

Left Wing Paper Calls for Humanity to Return to Roots

Britain's Guardian Unlimited said in an editorial that our current system of capitalism is burdening humanity with excessive abundance.

"We cannot sustain earth's life-support systems within the present economic system," says Roger Noughtwit. "The human population is too large. Consumers are beset with too many luxuries."

Noughtwit called for a literal return to a subsistence lifestyle of our hunter-gatherer forbearers. "Modern lifestyles are artificial," wrote Noughtwit. "We have lost touch with the rhythms of nature. If we humans had to hunt for meat and grub for roots we'd live a more natural existence and not upset the ecological balance."

Noughtwit admitted that were the world to heed his advice there would be little need for editorial writers, but says it is a price he would willingly pay. "Sure, life in the pre-capitalistic era was nasty, brutish and short," wrote Noughtwit. "But it was natural. I say, bring it on."

"The very worst fate that could befall our species is the discovery of huge new reserves of oil," Noughtwit wrote. "This would enable humanity to perpetuate its sick dependency on comfort and progress for another generation."

A photo of Noughtwit garbed in animal skins accompanied his editorial.

25,000 Years Old Cave Drawings Spark Muslim Protests

“These infidels cannot continue to mock us without consequence,” said Hezbollah chief Hassan Nasrallah. “The West should be prepared for the real holocaust. When Iran has the bomb there will be no mercy for these blasphemers.”

In an effort to placate Muslims outraged by these depictions, the U.S. State Department has directed all U.S. embassies to discontinue serving Danish or French pastries during all official functions.

“These feeble measures are not enough,” Nasrallah says. “At a minimum, Western nations must pass laws decreeing the death penalty for all who insult Islam or there will be no peace. Failure to do so constitutes an act of aggression against our faith. Death and destruction will be the penalty.”

In related news, physicians of Pakistan plan to boycott medicines from Europe because of these insults to Islam.

The Secretary-General of the Pakistani Medical Association, Abat Toir, announced that the decision is coming into immediate effect and is directed against Denmark, Norway, Germany, France and Switzerland.

Instead of the medicine from Europe, "alternative" cures will be used. "We will return to our traditional ways," said Toir.

Traditional medicine in the region relies heavily on amputations, bloodletting and poultices comprised of assorted herbs mixed with camel dung.

Lawyer Complains Gitmo Detainees Force-Fed

Tom Wilner, a lawyer for detainees at Guantanamo Bay, said that the military has used increasingly harsh methods, including force-feeding those on hunger strike.

“This force-feeding is denying my clients their right to pursue a martyr’s death,” Tom Wilner said. “Also, the portions being served are too small.”

Lt. Col. Jeremy Martin, a spokesman for the detention center, said he found Wilner’s complaints confusing and incoherent. “Wilner’s complaints seem to contradict one another,” said Martin. “But I’m just a soldier. Maybe lawyer logic is too complicated for me to understand.”

Phoenix Transit System Declared Safe by Officials

Despite revelations of unlocked gates, unmonitored security cameras, lack of security manuals and untrained personnel, officials for Valley Metro (the government agency running the transit system for the Phoenix metropolitan region) said they felt the system is fundamentally secure.

"Our 'ace-in-the-hole' is our extraordinarily low ridership," said Bryan Jungwirth, Valley Metro deputy executive director. "We figure that no terrorist in his right mind would bother to attack our nearly empty vehicles when more attractive targets like sports stadiums, movie theaters, and public restrooms offer many more potential victims."

Critics of Valley Metro's blasé attitude suggest that the concept "terrorist in his right mind" might be the weak link in transit officials' thought processes. Of course, Valley Metro officials may not be the best judges of the boundaries of sanity. The light rail system they are building is expected to increase traffic congestion and cost more than $13 per passenger boarding (i.e., about 20 times the anticipated fare revenue per boarding).