“If more hunters would shoot each other, the world would be a better place,” said Kitty Wolfe, PETA vice-chair for culling the human population. “The animals being hunted are the innocent victims of human blood lust. The hunters are the ones who deserve to be shot. We’d like to express our appreciation for the Vice President’s efforts to implement our agenda.”

Meanwhile, Howard Dean, chairman of the Democratic National Committee demanded that Cheney resign. “We at the DNC feel that gunning down a fellow American without a valid hunting license is an impeachable offense,” said Dean. “If Cheney won’t go voluntarily, he should be removed by Congress.”

Senator Ted Kennedy has already pledged to vote to convict Cheney in the event that the House impeaches him. “Anyone who would carelessly cause harm to another human being isn’t fit to hold public office,” said Kennedy.

In contrast, former president Bill Clinton expressed sympathy for Cheney. “Hey, accidents happen,” said Clinton. “I lost count of the number of my friends and associates who got shot or died prematurely.”

Iran President Says He Needs Atomic Bomb to Avenge Hitler

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says his country needs to develop nuclear weapons to avenge Hitler and carry on his vital work.

“Adolf Hitler was one of the few leaders astute enough to recognize the Zionist threat, honest enough to speak out about it, and courageous enough to take action,” said Ahmadinejad. “There was no holocaust. Hitler was acting in self-defense to carry out a noble effort to rid the world of the Jewish pestilence. This was cut short by the American crusaders unleashed by the Jew Roosevelt. We will carry on Hitler’s effort beginning with the elimination of Israel and the rooting out of Jews wherever else they may be found.”

Responding to rumors that the U.S. may be contemplating a preemptive strike against Iranian nuclear facilities, UN General Secretary Kofi Annan warned against such action. “We must keep an open mind,” said Annan. “The president of the sovereign nation of Iran is entitled to express his opinions on world issues.”

In related news, former U.S. Vice President Al Gore charged the U.S. government with "terrible atrocities" against Muslims. Speaking at a forum in Saudi Arabia, Gore alleged that in America “Muslims are confronted with insults on a daily basis. Supermarkets routinely stock and display pork products. Churches are visible on many public streets. Jews are allowed to own businesses. Late night comedians are permitted to make jokes about bin Laden. These are atrocities that incite Muslims to righteous rage.”

The Saudi government was so impressed by Gore’s remarks that it pledged to fund an extension of his speaking tour.

Katrina Debit Cards Led to Massive Fraud

The $US2000 debit cards issued after Hurricane Katrina to victims so they could buy emergency supplies were used in some cases to pay for gambling, pornographic movies, and tattoos, according to two government reports that detail grotesque fraud and mismanagement in which hundreds of millions of dollars were squandered. The Federal Emergency Management Agency's oversight of cash payments was so flawed, the agency made "millions of dollars of payments" to applicants with bogus addresses, names, or Social Security numbers.

New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin challenged the assumption that these expenditures were fraudulent. “The purpose of the aid was to try to restore normality to New Orleans,” said Nagin. “The expenditures the media are complaining about are normal for New Orleans. The City has been making payments to bogus employees for as long as I can remember. As for gambling pornography and prostitution—I ask you, what would New Orleans be without them?”

Reminded that the reports had not documented any expenditures on prostitutes, Nagin asserted it must have been an oversight.

Muslims Charge Editor Endangered Lives

The Muslim Al-Dimmah Foundation is charging that Vebjørn Selbekk, the editor of the journal that published the controversial caricatures of the prophet Mohammed in Norway, endangered Norwegian lives.

"The publication of these images of Mohammed is inciting Muslims to riot and attempt to slay the blasphemers,” said Kawlid Muhumma, leader of Al-Dimmah, an organization of devout lunatics. “Police must arrest Selbekk and put him in a safe place before someone kills him. We cannot be held responsible for the consequences if he is allowed to roam free."

Muhumma added that innocent Muslims in Norway now feel unsafe, although he was forced to admit that the source of danger for innocent Muslims was the rioting of not-so-innocent fellow Muslims.

"It is frightening that one person through freedom of speech can cause such damage. There are limits for what expressions are acceptable. If publishers would only submit their copy to us ahead of time, outrages like this would never happen," Muhumma said.

In addition to reckless endangerment, al-Dimmah wants Selbekk charged with blasphemy and treason.

In response, the Norwegian parliament has amended the Penal Code to criminalize blasphemy. Under this new law, any written or oral communication of any sort—print, radio, television, internet or technology not yet known—deemed to be offensive to any religion is prohibited. According to this new law, offenders are to be turned over to the aggrieved party for trial and punishment.

Mexican Census Comes Up 2 Million Short

A recent census of the Mexican population counted 103 million persons. This is two million less than had been expected by forecasters. The bulk of the missing population is believed to be living in the United States.

The Mexican government is contemplating filing a protest with the U.S. Embassy. “We are not asking that these hostages to American prosperity be returned,” said Clandestino Abogar, Secretario del Mministerio de la Quejas. “However, we are asking that the United States pay a rental fee of $2 billion per year to Mexico as compensation for the use of these labor resources.”

Washington Governor Troubled by Tax-Break Fever

Democratic Governor Christine Gregoire, increasingly concerned that tax-break fever has gripped the Legislature, warned that she'll use her veto pen if necessary.

"Granting a tax break is spending money," Gregoire told a news conference. "We have got to kill this notion that income and wealth belong to those who earn it. Wealth and income belong to the state. It is up to the people’s representatives to spend this money wisely. Granting tax refunds is not wise.”

Gregoire said the government needs all the money it can get. “Giving money back to taxpayers would be a colossal blunder,” said Gregoire. “Once we get the taxes we should never give the money back. Taxpayers would just waste the money on frivolous spending while vital government needs go unfunded.”

Among the vital government needs are an across-the-board pay hike for state workers and assorted public works projects now on the drawing board.

Country singer Willie Nelson chose Valentine's Day to release the homosexual-themed song "On the Rod Again." The Texas country icon sings about love among men on the range. The song aims to show Mr. Nelson's support for homosexuals, particularly to conservative country-music fans.

The song was unveiled on Howard Stern's Sirius Satellite Radio show. Stern provided accompanying grunts and squeals in the studio as the record was played.

The timing of the song's release coincides with a time when the idea of homosexual cowboys is being discussed throughout the media in response to the success of the Academy Award-nominated film "Brokeback Mountain."

Franken Raises Nearly $170 for His New Political Action Committee

Comedian Al Franken, who is mulling a 2008 challenge to Norm Coleman for one of the U.S. Senate seats for Minnesota, announced that he has raised more than $168 for his new political action committee in a little over two months.

Franken was greatly encouraged by this fund-raising success. “This is more than a month’s worth of ad revenue for Air America,” said Franken. “If we can do as well over the next 50,000 months we will be well on our way to bringing down the Bush Administration once and for all.”

Anglicans to Pull Out of Stocks of Israeli Businesses

The governing body of the Church of England voted to divest from any corporations that it contends support Israel's activities in Gaza and the West Bank. The idea of divestiture was ushered in two years ago by the Presbyterian Church U.S.A.

The Israeli policy of retaliation against terrorist attacks on Israeli civilians sparked the Anglican move. “We agree with Kofi Annan (UN Secretary General) that the Israeli Defense Force’s targeting of terrorist leaders amounts to execution without trial,” Bishop Arnold Mann. “We want to send a message that the Jews should be doing as our savior Jesus Christ bade us all do—turn the other cheek.”

Mann denied reports that Hamas’ threats to “gut you like a fish, drink your blood and hang your children with your entrails” was a factor in the decision.

Abu Musab al-Zarqawi Rumored to Be in Iran

U.S forces in Iraq suspect that Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, leader of al-Qaeda in Iraq, has fled to Iran. Iraq's intelligence services have received information that the Jordanian-born terrorist was spotted in areas close to the Himreen Mountains, 75 miles south of Kirkuk and near the border with Iran.

Adu Humpmahn, press secretary for al-Qaeda acknowledged that Zarqawi has gone to Iran, but denied that he had “fled” Iraq. “We are winning in Iraq,” said Humpmahn. “Why would Zarqawi flee?”

“Zarqawi is merely taking a break while he plans even mightier blows against the American Crusaders,” said Humpmahn. “Zarqawi will be touring some historic sites and enjoying the world famous Iranian cuisine. He is particularly fond of Donbalaan.” (Donbalaan is a dish of fried sheep testicles, eggs, bread crumbs, and parsley).