The study undermines Democrat efforts to paint Republicans as the authors of a "culture of corruption" in Congress. The study found that Democrats accepted approximately $53 million from lobbyists while Republicans accepted $48 million.

Senator Harry Reid (D-Nev.), a recipient of tens of thousands of dollars from Abramoff, dismissed the research results. "It's not the amount of money that matters," said Reid. "It is the intent. Lobbyists give Democrats money to do what we always said we would do--increase taxes and spending. These are honest payoffs."

Reid contrasted the Democrats acceptance of "honest payoffs" with Republican duplicity. "Republicans are the party of limited government," said Reid. "It is dishonest for them to take money from lobbyists seeking higher taxes and spending."

Reid's effort is reminiscent of Tammany Hall's corrupt Senator George Washington Plunkitt's effort to distinguish between honest and dishonest graft 100 years ago. Plunkitt was a cynically honest practitioner of what today is generally known as "machine politics," patronage-based and frank in its exercise of power for personal gain.

Islamic Thinker's Society Fears Roe v. Wade May Be Overturned

A group calling itself the Islamic Thinker's Society (ITS) demonstrated in support of retaining the abortion privileges established by the Supreme Court in its 1973 Roe v. Wade decision. Mingled with shouts of “death to America” were demands to “keep abortion legal.”

“We are concerned that the rightward drift of the Court with these new Bush appointees may lead to the demise of a woman’s right to an abortion,” said Ali Khillar, spokesman for ITS. “Infidels killing their own children before they are born saves us the trouble of having to kill them later.”

Khillar boasted that Muslim dedication to raising large families is projected to make them the majority in America by 2100. “Even without martyr operations we will win in the end,” Khillar crowed.

Khillar said the process could be accelerated if U.S. laws could be changed to allow Muslims to have multiple wives. “Only a minority of Muslim men are needed to produce the next generation,” Khillar explained. “The surplus Muslim men would then be available for suicide attacks on the infidels.”

In addition to supporting abortion rights, ITS also backs legalizing gay marriage.

Italian Embassy Set on Fire in Libya

Libyans rioted to protest a meat ball said to resemble the Prophet Muhammad that was served in a local Italian restaurant. Rioters set fire to the Italian consulate in Benghazi before Libyan security forces were able to quell the disturbance. Officials said 11 people were killed or wounded during the six-hour riot when police firing bullets and tear gas tried to contain more than 1,000 demonstrators hurling rocks and bottles.

Amma Nydyot, one of the rioters interviewed in jail explained that the offense was threefold. “The first blasphemy was the creation of the image of the prophet,” said Nydyot. “The second was the use of ground pork mixed with beef and veal to make the meat ball. The third was the eating of the meat ball by an infidel.”

Italian diplomat Ernesto Pieta said he was stunned by the violence of the demonstration. “I do not understand the Muslim reaction to the miracle of the meat ball,” said Pieta. “Last year when the image of the Virgin Mary appeared in the stucco on the south wall of the consulate local Christians held a vigil and lit candles. They didn’t try to burn down the building.”

It is rumored that a Fatwa has been issued calling for Pieta’s beheading as punishment for his “insensitive remarks.”

In related news, a panel of Italian judges ruled that recruiting suicide bombers could not be considered terrorism because during an armed conflict the only acts that count as terrorism are acts directed against a civilian population. “Since these accused men have sworn on the Quran that none of the recruits would ever be sent to kill filthy infidel civilian swine, we must release them,” said Guido Erronio for the court. “Muslims take the Quran very seriously. I cannot believe they would lie to me while holding this holy book.”

Maryland Assembly Pushes Bill to Let 150,000 Felons Vote

Democrats in the Maryland legislature have passed a law that would add 150,000 convicted felons to voter rolls. The new rules would allow any convict who is not imprisoned or waiting to serve a prison sentence to cast a ballot. Similar legislation is being pushed in other states. Senators Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) and John Kerry (D-Mass.) have introduced federal legislation aimed at the same objective.

The reason for Democrat enthusiasm for enfranchising convicts is explained by research conducted by Jeff Manza and Marcus Britton of Northwestern University and Christopher Uggen of the University of Minnesota. Their research found that Democrats capture about 90 percent of the votes of ex-cons in states where they are permitted to vote. The lopsided felons’ preference for Democrats rivals that of the mainstream news media.

Senator Clinton insisted her bid to allow felons universal suffrage is a modest proposal. “In Canada, prisoners are allowed to vote absentee ballots from their cells,” Clinton pointed out. “We aren’t proposing to go that far at this time.”

Ozzie Jackson is an inmate in the Maryland House of Correction where he is currently serving a 20 year sentence for armed robbery. He says he strongly favors the legislation. “It’s about time someone respected my rights as a citizen,” said Jackson.

Delegate Rob More, a Baltimore Democrat, is supporting the legislation. “We feel this is a constituency that is receptive to our message,” said More. “Someone needs to stand up for the rights of people like Mr. Jackson. If not the Democratic Party — then who?”

Zimbabwe Dictator Mugabe Wants to Mend Bridges with Britain

President Robert Mugabe says he wants to rebuild relations between the southern African nation and its former colonial ruler. Relations between Mugabe's government and that of British Prime Minister Tony Blair have been frosty in the last six years due largely to the Mugabe Government’s human rights violations and rigged elections.

Mugabe says it’s time to forgive and forget. “I haven’t killed everyone yet,” Mugabe said. “So, there’s still room to negotiate.”

Mugabe, in power since independence in 1980, denies that he has mismanaged and ruined the country's once-thriving economy. “I have plundered only the whites,” Mugabe said. “They represent only a tiny minority. I don’t see what all the fuss is about.”

Critics say disruptions to commercial agriculture linked to Mugabe's land confiscation program have turned what was once southern Africa's food basket into a famine-plagued nation. Zimbabwe also currently has the world's highest rate of inflation at 613 percent.

Gruesome Reality Show a Hit

A new Jihad-oriented reality-style TV show called “Heads You Win, Tails the Blasphemers, Heretics & Infidels Lose” made its debut on the al-Jazeera network this week. The show featured footage of men being murdered in a variety of bloody ways.

The images broadcast showed the decapitated heads of three men being held up in front of a crowd of chanting onlookers. They also showed several bodies being dragged behind a pick-up truck. In other scenes mutilated bodies and severed heads are placed on display in various positions and locations.

“This is better than American Idol,” said Rahid Punjahnt, member of the studio audience. “I especially liked the disemboweling segment. It’s amazing how many feet of intestines can be pulled out before a man dies.”

Punjahnt says he is looking forward to next week’s show which will feature women being stoned to death. “I really enjoy seeing these sinners weep as their flesh is battered by the rocks.”

Former U.S. vice president Al Gore who is on a Saudi-financed speaking tour in the region said he hadn’t seen the program, but was confident that the Bush Administration’s atrocities against Muslims are worse.

Shia Cleric Rejects Iraqi Constitution

Influential Shia cleric Moqtada al-Sadr said he rejects the Iraqi constitution backed by his partners in the biggest parliamentary bloc, threatening to reignite one of the country’s most explosive issues.

“This constitution failed to hold my interest,” said Sadr. “There is no plot, drama or violence.”

Sadr suggested a rewrite is needed to produce a more compelling story line. “I am willing sell the rights to my life story,” Sadr said. “It is a poignant tale of hatred and vengeance. I think it would appeal to more Iraqis than the current document outlining rules for a democratic society.”

The young cleric, who led two armed uprisings against US and Iraqi troops, says he has already dictated the first 98 chapters of his proposed substitute document. “We are just coming to the part where I first cursed a schoolmate for teasing me about sucking my thumb,” Sadr said. “I assure you, it is riveting.”

George Clooney has already inquired about the movie rights. “I’m seeing this as a sequel to Syriana,” said Clooney. “Sadr’s narrative is kind of confusing, but his anti-American message is one the world needs to hear.”

In related news, in a bid to ensure that the kind of depictions of Islam that we have seen in recent weeks aren't repeated, the Council on American Islamic Relations has proposed that the U.S. Constitution be amended to outlaw disrespectful behavior or expressions. Under the proposed amendment “hate speech” including slurs, unwelcome banter, teasing, or jokes that depict members of a protected class in a demeaning manner would, with one exception, be banned. An exception is granted to Muslims on the grounds that public expressions of hate are integral to their faith.  

Fed Report Spurs Call for Tax Hikes

The Federal Reserve reported that the average family income is $70,700 and the median for net worth is $93,100.

Upon hearing this news, Howard Dean, Chairman of the Democratic National Committee, called for an immediate increase in tax rates. “It’s as we’ve been saying all along, Americans are embarrassingly rich,” said Dean. “They can afford to pay a lot more in taxes than the Republicans claim.”

In a related story, a recent Zogby poll found that Democratic voters aren't happy with their party’s leadership. 58 percent of rank-and-file Democratic voters say their leaders should work together with Republicans to craft the best legislation possible. 23percent say that the party’s congressional leaders should be tarred-and-feathered. 6 percent say Howard Dean ought to be sent back to whatever planet he came from.