John Semmens 37

JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News

Another Bush Katrina Tape

March 9, 2006

In the wake of recent controversy regarding a video tape of a pre-Katrina hurricane briefing of President Bush, Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan announced that he has come into possession of a tape showing that President Bush ordered the New Orleans levees to be blown up.

"You can see the president clearly ordering his underlings to dynamite the levees," said Farrakhan. "It's as we've been saying all along, this administration is guilty of racial genocide."

Representative John Conyers (D-Mich.) says this is the coup de grace for his impeachment filing. "This proves that Bush is a mass murderer of African Americans," said Conyers. "If the Republicans in congress won't agree to impeach him now it will mean they are in league with the devil himself."

Impartial observers who have seen the tape contend that it is a skit from Saturday Night Live. "It's that Forte guy who's done dozens of skits where he plays the part of President Bush," said Frank Lee, a member of a focus group empaneled by Zogby to view the tape. "Only a complete moron could think that it's really Bush."

Political expert Barbara Streisand called the tape "another milestone in the Bush's Administration's drive to plunge America into a dark abyss of evil."

In related news, Radical Shiite cleric Mostafa Pour-Mohammadi said that Iran had "specific intelligence" proving that the U.S. had infiltrated al-Qaeda and ordered its cells to carry out terrorist attacks. "The crusaders' evil plot is revealed in a film called 'Syriana'" said Pour-Mohammadi. "They are doing it to steal Muslim oil. On this point, the film was very firm."

Carter Wants Bolton Fired

Citing Ambassador John Bolton's failure to follow his lead, former president Jimmy Carter announced he has no alternative but to dismiss Bolton from his job as the U.S. ambassador to the United Nations.

"I assured the leaders of Cuba, Egypt, and Pakistan that the United States was not going to dominate all the other nations of the world in the Human Rights Council," Carter said. "Bolton has publicly demanded that the five permanent members of the Security Council have permanent seats on the council. This subverted exactly what I promised these leaders and undermines their trust in me. I can't be effective as a world leader if I'm not trusted."

Carter says he called Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, told her about the problem and instructed her to fire Bolton. "Secretary Rice refuses to carry out my instructions," said Carter. "It looks like I'll have to fire her too."

Cuban dictator Fidel Castro confirmed Carter's version of events. "Failure to grant Cuba equal status with the United States on the Human Rights Council is yet another demonstration of the Yankee imperialism I have been fighting against all my life," said Castro. "I'm thinking we may have to send more criminals and lunatics to America. It may be the only way to bring enlightened men like Jimmy Carter back to power."

In the last year of the Carter Administration (1980), more than 125,000 people left Cuba; among them the "undesirables" -- people from the nation's prisons and insane asylums.

Brokeback Snub Saddens Homosexual Community

Brokeback Mountain, the story of unfulfilled love between two homosexual cowboys, was nominated in eight categories and had been the runaway favorite for the best picture award after cleaning up in the Golden Globes and Baftas.

But although it won three Oscars, including the Best Director award for the Taiwanese Ang Lee, the year's most talked-about film ended up losing on the final prize of the night.

"Now I'm mad they made me change the title," said Larry McMurtry, the veteran Western writer who shared the award for best adapted screenplay.

The original title was "Backcrack Mountain."

In related news, the town council of Crystal Lake, Illin., has voted 3-2 to approve holding a "homosexual Olympics" style sporting event this coming summer. Events are reported to include, among others, the all-coxswain sculling race, Greek-style wrestling, bitch volleyball, gymnasties, and a 1,000-meter sashay. Those who wish to compete will be required to perform a homosexual sex act in the presence of the judges. "We don't want any impostors," said Butch Manley, one of the organizers of the meet. "Every entrant will have to prove he or she is truly homosexual."

Iran Stepping Up Plans for Shahab Missiles

As Iran pursues a nuclear program the West fears is aimed at producing bombs, Tehran also appears to be stepping up development of missiles capable of carrying atomic warheads.

A covert Iranian program run by people closely linked to Iran's military includes plans to arm its Shahab-3 missiles, which experts believe have a maximum range of around 2,000 km (1,240 miles), with nuclear warheads.

An Iranian official, who asked not to be named, denied the charge. "The Shahab missiles are intended to deliver mail and packages to distant locations like Europe and Israel," said the official. "We are dissatisfied with the current delivery services. FedEx, DHL and UPS are too slow and unreliable. The Shahab will shave days off transit times, ensuring that our packages arrive more promptly at their destinations."

Iran has repeatedly warned it would not hesitate to deploy the Shahab-3 missiles, if commercial services cannot cut delivery times down to 30 minutes or less.

Alireza Jafarzadeh, an Iranian exile who heads a think-tank in Washington, told Reuters Tehran had sharply accelerated production of Shahab-3 missiles to around 90 a year from 15-20.

"As our economy grows, we must upgrade our package delivery system if we want to have a significant impact in world trade," said the unnamed Iranian official.

Life in U.S. Tough on Mexicans' Health

Millions of Mexicans illegally enter America looking for jobs and educations, but remaining here seems to be bad for their health. The longer Latino immigrants are here, the more likely they are to become obese and to develop diabetes, high blood pressure and heart disease. The children of these immigrants have even higher rates of those illnesses, a new government report shows.

The INS says it plans to feature these findings in their new campaign to discourage illegal entry. Juan Tonamayo, INS Under Deputy for Communications, said the agency will be placing ads in Mexican media, including Spanish language signage along the border employing the slogan: "Come to America, get fat and die."

"We feel that by emphasizing the downside of U.S. economic prosperity we may be able to deter some of the illegal entrants from making the trip," said Tonamayo.

The INS has already placed ads in U.S. newspapers seeking grotesquely obese Latinos to pose for the photos that will be part of the ad campaign. "The sicker they look, the better," said Tonamayo. "We'll give added bonuses to
obese diabetics that have suffered amputations."

Tonamayo says reducing the attraction of coming will be more effective than stepped-up enforcement. "Our enforcement efforts are not credible," said Tonamayo. "Few illegals are caught. Fewer are deported. We need to scare would-be illegals by letting them know that while they may elude the Border Patrol, the rich life will take its insidious toll on them and their children."

Katyn Massacre Not an Act of Stalinist Repression, Says Russia

After years of enquiry Russian authorities have concluded that the Katyn massacre -- when over twenty thousand Polish officers were killed in 1940 -- was not an act of Stalinist repression. Polish politicians, outraged, say that the report amounts to a cover up.

The Russian Military Prosecutor General, Ivan Badenov, has released a statement denying that the wartime massacre of thousands of Polish army and police officers in Katyn and neighboring camps had been an act of Stalinist repression. "Stalin was too busy repressing Russians to bother with attempting to repress Poles," said Badenov. "Besides, the act of massacring foreigners would be one of 'aggression' not 'repression.' So, technically, the Poles have filed the wrong charge." Russian laws against 'double jeopardy' bar a refiling.

Financial considerations may also have played a part in Badenov's ruling. If Russia were to be held responsible for all the crimes committed in the Soviet period, it would go bankrupt.

Canada's Court Allows Daggers in School

The Canadian Supreme Court rendered a decision that will allow orthodox Sikh students to carry traditional daggers to school. In its decision, the court noted that Sikh religion requires the wearing of the daggers.

"Religious tolerance is a very important value of Canadian society," Justice Louise Charron wrote in reasons for the decision after a court case that involved 12-year-old Gurbaj Singh Multani, who was prevented from carrying his dagger at a Montreal school.

The Canadian Council on American-Islamic Relations (CAIR-CAN) praised the court's ruling, but said it didn't go far enough. "The court's respect for religious beliefs is a step in the right direction," Abbar Mobahm, spokesman
for CAIR-CAN. "But they have yet to acknowledge our right to wear explosives in public buildings. Many devout Muslims feel that the wearing of explosives is a demonstration of their faith in Allah and their willingness to die for Islam should that be Allah's will."

Thus far, CAIR-CAN has had difficulty persuading the court because explosives were invented after the Quran was written and, therefore, are not mentioned in the text. Mobahm argued that this interpretation is excessively literal. "The Quran instructs Muslims to behead the unbelievers," said Mobahm. "What does it matter whether a knife or bomb is used?"

In the hours since the court's decision was announced, dozens of teenaged hoodlums have been arrested for bringing knives to school. "All of these punks claim they are Sikhs," said Sgt Malcolm Lightly of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. "These judges have opened a real can of worms."

John Semmens got his start writing about politics for his college newspaper. Since then, he has written more than 500 articles that have been published. In addition to "Semi-News," John writes a recurring column for the East Valley Tribune.

John Semmens' Semi-News Archives: