 |
||||
|
|
JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News
Spill on Alaska's North Slope Is Largest Ever March 16, 2006
The spill covers two acres of remote and unpopulated land on Alaska's north coast near the Beaufort Sea. The affected area amounts to 0.0000005 percent of Alaska’s 365 million acres. Environmental lobbyists called for an immediate halt to all oil production until it can be guaranteed that there will never be another spill. “Our environment is too precious to be put at risk,” said Lily White, communications director for the World Wildlife Fund. “When we poison the land we destroy habitat. We don’t need oil that badly.” White suggested that Americans could learn to do with less oil and the travel it fuels. “Humans already move around too much as it is,” said White. “This isn’t natural. Other creatures make do with a much smaller range of movement. We say, park your car. Stay home.” Napolitano to Send National Guard to Mexican Border Concerned that Mexicans illegally entering the United States may not be registered to vote, Arizona Governor Janet Napolitano has ordered the state’s National Guard contingent to patrol the border region armed with voter registration forms. “Democracy requires the fullest participation of all those affected by the laws enacted by elected representatives,” said Napolitano. “Every voice must be heard. Illegal aliens frequently don’t speak English and may not know how to register to vote.” If an illegal alien is encountered within 30 days of an impending election, the Guard is instructed to offer him an absentee ballot for the jurisdiction of his intended destination. If the deadline for absentee ballots has passed, the Guard is to drive the entrant to the polls. In related news, illegal aliens staged a march in Chicago demanding better public healthcare benefits. “They make us wait too long in the emergency room,” said Pedro Nada, organizer of the demonstration. “Free healthcare is a human right. We want our representatives to get the message that we will punish them at the polls if they don’t fix this problem.” Job Growth Steady, Wages Rising U.S. employers added a stronger-than-forecast 243,000 jobs in February and average hourly pay posted the largest annual increase in 4-1/2 years, according to figures released by the Labor Department. The news was denounced in a memo from Howard Dean of the Democratic National Committee: “The Bush Administration’s economic policies are forcing more Americans to sacrifice leisure time and take jobs. The inevitable outcome can only be a more tired and less Democratic America.” A second concern raised by the Dean memo was the trend’s impact on government employees. “If more Americans are working there will be less need for welfare case workers and unemployment benefit clerks,” said Dean. “Fewer welfare recipients and fewer welfare workers could lead to cuts in government spending. This could lead to tax cuts. The end result of this downward spiral would be to allow taxpayers to foolishly spend their money as they please.” Dean called for a two-pronged effort to stem the tide of rising employment. “On the one hand, we need to boost payouts for those on unemployment and welfare,” said Dean. “If we reduce the gap between paid work and government handouts we will discourage the hasty rush to get jobs. Second, we need to immediately reverse the tax cuts the Bush Administration pushed through Congress in his first term. A rising tax burden will stem the tide of frivolous private sector investment that is driving this employment boom.” Dean characterized this effort as critical to the future of the Democratic Party. “Maintaining a strong government-client base is essential to the success of our party,” Dean said. Business Group Runs Ads Praising California Governor The U.S. Chamber of Commerce is opening a statewide ad campaign in support of Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger. The desperate circumstances of California politics is mirrored by the campaign’s primary slogan: “Schwarzenegger—Not Nearly as Awful as the Jackass the Democrats Will Run Against Him.” “It’s not the pithiest of slogans,” admitted Chamber spokesman Jorge Lame. “The governor hasn’t been a star performer, but he definitely is the lesser of evils. So, we decided to go with what’s believable.” Ex-Supreme Court Justice O'Connor Bashes Pro-Life Advocates Former Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor used a speech at Georgetown University to attack pro-life lawmakers who sided with Terri Schiavo's parents in their efforts to prevent their daughter's euthanasia death. She claimed a Congressional effort to have federal courts review the case was a first step towards a dictatorship. "We must be ever-vigilant against those who would strong-arm the judiciary in an effort to interfere in ‘end-of-life’ decisions," said O’Connor. "It is the Court’s obligation to protect the right to terminate life unworthy of life. Those who would impede the corurts in this matter are pushing the country down toward dictatorship.” In related news, Americans have proved extremely consistent in their inconsistent beliefs about abortion. A solid majority feel that Roe v. Wade should be upheld. Most think having an abortion should be a personal choice. But they also think it is murder. "I mean, it’s not as if they’re murdering a stranger,” said National Abortion and Reproductive Rights Action League (NARAL) spokeswoman Etta Young in an effort to explain the inconsistency. “People feel families should have the privacy to decide whether to terminate unwanted members.” University of Illinois Student Editor Fired for Anti-Muslim Cartoons Acton H. Gorton and his opinions page editor, Chuck Prochaska, were fired from The Daily Illini at the University of Illinois for the Feb. 9 publication of the cartoons, which first appeared in the Danish newspaper Jyllands-Posten. "The Illini Media Co. board of directors following a thorough review, a report by a student task force of senior members of the staff, and a threat from the Muslim Student Alliance to burn the school to the ground and disembowel the administrators if Gorton were not fired, found that Gorton violated Daily Illini policies about thoughtful discussion of and preparation for the publication of inflammatory material," said Moe Craven, chairman of the board. “The board’s decision was pusillanimous,” said Craven. “There wasn’t a single vote to retain Gorton or Prochaska. The board is disappointed with this outcome and regrets that Gorton's actions necessitated his termination. But the board believes this conclusion is in the best interests of The Daily Illini newsroom and will allow the student journalists to carry on with the newspaper's tradition of politically sensitive reporting." As a result of the editors' firings, the Muslim Student Alliance lifted its fatwa against the publication’s board of directors and staff. Arab Stock Markets Suffer Setback Stock markets in the Gulf region and Egypt have suffered major losses in recent days. The decline in stock prices triggered angry protests. Angry street mobs in Cairo, Kuwait City, and Riyadh marched chanting “death to America” and “Jews must die.” Rioters in Bahrain smashed shop windows and set cars on fire. In Palestine, gunmen fired mortar rounds and machine gun bullets over the border into Israel. “The stock, it is supposed to go up, so I buy it,” said Iman Kashpou, one of the Cairo demonstrators. “But now it is down. I am ruined. The Jews are manipulating our stock market. Only when the Jews are driven from Palestinian lands can we enjoy the prosperity that is our due.” Saddam Insists He's Still Iraqi President In a rambling speech at his trial, former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein insisted he is still the president of Iraq. As such, he ordered his immediate release from prison, vetoed the new constitution, ordered that some political dissidents be brought to him for torture and amusement, and instructed the Iraqi Army to launch a poison gas attack on the invading U.S. troops. Hussein is currently on trial for the torture deaths of 148 people—including many children. Hussein’s lawyers contend that Saddam's government acted within its rights to respond after the assassination attempt on the former Iraqi leader. “When a great man’s life is threatened, extraordinary measures must be taken,” said Mustaf Muninhand, lead defense attorney. “The consequences for Iraq should the assassination have succeeded would’ve been catastrophic. Making an example of the conspirators and their families was a necessary cost for deterring future attempts on Saddam’s life.” Details of American "Torture" at Gitmo TIME magazine reports on the arduous conditions faced by terrorist detainees at Gitmo Camp at Guantanamo Bay. It is a remarkable look into the prison life of Mohammed al Qahtani, who is widely believed to be the so-called 20th hijacker, a compatriot of Osama bin Laden and a man who had tried to enter the U.S. in August 2001 to take part in the Sept. 11 attacks. “The conditions are unbearable,” said Qahtani. “I am interrogated for several hours each month. Sometimes I am forced to miss my TV shows.” Qahtani is reputedly fond of the Cartoon Network’s programming. Creature comforts are also an issue. “The toilet paper is too scratchy,” said Qahtani. “They need to get the kind with the little pillows in the weave. And the off-brand condiments they’ve been serving us are no match for Heinz’s products.” Senator John Kerry (D-Mass) said the report is no surprise to him. “The substandard amenities of off-brand condiments border on war crimes,” said Kerry. “There is no excuse for this. My wife’s company stands ready to provide Heinz products at the right price.” Michael Jackson to Convert to Islam? According to CBS News, Michael Jackson, the king of pop, is "on the verge" of converting to Islam. Saeed Shabazz, a reporter for the Nation of Islam's publication, The Final Call, announced that Mr. Jackson had joined the organization. He added that Louis Farrakhan "sees a lot of spirituality in Michael." “It is Michael’s love for children that most impressed me,” said Farrakhan. Jackson currently lives in Bahrain and has been spotted in a Bahraini shopping mall dressed like an Islamist woman. Jackson is said to have already adopted a new Muslim name: “Aaeesha Mohlestyr.” In related news, a new law in the United Kingdom says restaurants may not prohibit homosexuals from publicly displaying their affection. Trade Secretary Alan Johnson explained, “As long as the couple remains clothed, the restaurant may not interfere with the display. The couple may be assessed to pay for any damage done to restaurant property during the display.”
John Semmens'
Semi-News Archives: Home |News |State Briefs |Editorials|Letters |Key Legislation |Privacy Policy |Contact Us
|
| ||
A
massive oil spill discovered earlier this month at Prudhoe Bay is
the largest ever on Alaska's North Slope, officials said Friday. Between
201,000 and 267,000 gallons of crude leaked from a ruptured transit line
onto the snow-covered tundra, according to an official estimate of the
spill. By comparison, the Exxon Valdez spilled 11 million gallons
when it ran aground in Prince William Sound in 1989.