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JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News
Dean’s Secret Speech Lays Out Democrats’ Program March 23, 2006
“Don’t let anybody tell you Democrats don’t have a message,” said Dean. “In fact, preventing people from saying we don’t have a message is item number one in our six-part program.” Dean rattled off a list of key items in the Democrats’ program: (1) silence criticisms of Democrats--utilizing the McCain-Feingold rules to their fullest extent, (2) continue to denounce everything the Republicans do or propose, (3) promise to do the opposite of everything the Republicans do or propose, (4) raise taxes on whoever is making money, (5) attack the competence, honesty and sanity of those who disagree with us, and (6) continue to denounce everything the Republicans do or propose. Audience members praised Dean’s courage in speaking out. “He was very brave,” said sophomore Fonir Shambala. “He didn’t hesitate to criticize the Republicans and those vile Democrats like Senator Lieberman who sometimes collaborate with them. Not everyone has the courage to vilify those he disagrees with.” Others from the audience said they were inspired to take action. “Impeachment is too good for Bush,” said Malomar Johnson, a senior. “Lynching is what he deserves.” Dean said he was pleased with the turnout and the response. “It’s good to see so many young Democrats fired up about politics,” said Dean. “These are the leaders of the future.” Senator Kennedy to Sue Over Ambien Side Effects The sleeping pill Ambien appears to unleash primitive desires to eat in some patients. It’s even been linked to unconscious food forays that cause these hapless souls to wolf down thousands of calories in the wee hours. Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Mass.) asserts that he is one of those “hapless souls.” “For years I have been plagued by nightmares where I have this sensation of drowning,” said Kennedy. “I have taken Ambien to help me sleep. Over this same time period I have become grotesquely obese. Once I was a svelte heart-throb, able to establish close working relationships with my staff—especially the young campaign volunteers. Now I am bloated and repulsive. The manufacturers of Ambien have got to be made to take responsibility for this ugly turn of events.” Kennedy says his lawyers haven’t yet put a dollar amount on the damages. “The loss to me and to the nation—I might’ve been president, you know—has been incalculable,” said Kennedy. It is rumored that Kennedy is thinking of using his plight as a launching pad for a presidential bid. Political strategist Dick Morris, a former advisor to Bill Clinton, pointed out the possible leverage for Kennedy. “With the majority of Americans being overweight, Kennedy may tap into a potentially large sympathy vote,” said Morris. “A ‘we’re fat, but it’s not our fault’ campaign would exploit the Democrats’ basic vision of voters as victims. As an admitted fellow victim, Senator Kennedy would more effectively embody this ideal.” “The important issue here is justice,” said Kennedy. “Should a company be permitted to simply walk away from the harm it has caused without having to bear any consequences?” In related news, Kennedy relative Michael Skakel will appeal to the U.S. Supreme Court in a bid to overturn his conviction in the 1975 murder of his 15-year-old neighbor Martha Moxley. Skakel’s lawyers argued that his crime is no worse than some of those committed by members of the U.S. Senate. “If the high-and-mighty go free, so should the low-and-pathetic,” said Skakel’s attorney Howard Piffle. “A 1975 murder is ‘old news.’ We say forgive and forget.” Clinton vows to block bill on illegal immigrants Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-N.Y.) vowed to block legislation seeking to criminalize undocumented immigrants. Clinton, a potential 2008 presidential candidate, made her remarks as the Senate prepares to take up the matter. At issue is a bill passed in December by the House that would make unlawful presence in the United States--currently a civil offense--a felony. "Making illegal entry a felony will just make it that much harder for these people to vote," said Clinton. "Non-citizenship is already a big enough hurdle impeding the vote. Many illegals are too afraid to even try voting. Adding felony convictions will further raise the risk that these people won't be able to vote at all. This is no way to run a democracy." Clinton said that, if necessary, she is prepared to filibuster against the legislation. "Someone has got to stand up for the rights of this oppressed minority," screeched Clinton. "This bill would result in the vote being restricted to law-abiding citizens. This is not the kind of America I want for our children." Hundreds of thousands of illegal aliens and their supporters conducted a "Gran Marcha 2006" in support of Senator Clinton's efforts on their behalf. March organizer Pablo Nostro vowed, "We will elect Senora Clinton la presidente. She will give back to Mexico the land stolen by the gringos." Hillary Gets Veto Power Over Husband’s Public Activities In related news, Senator Hillary Clinton has imposed a gag order on Bill Clinton. The two have come out on opposite sides on some hot-button issues, most notably the port security deal with Dubai. While Hillary criticized President Bush over the deal, calling it a threat to national security, Bill was touting the deal as a paid spokesman for the United Arab Emirates. Now, Hillary is insisting that the former president get her prior approval for what he says and does in public. Bill has agreed to Hillary’s demands to avoid any embarrassing headlines. In exchange, Bill is permitted to boff up to 72 bimbos as long as it can be done discreetly. Khamenei Approves of Iran-U.S Talks’ Iran’s supreme leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei said he approved of proposed talks between US and Iranian officials. “If our threats of ‘painful consequences for the Americans and our promise to obliterate the Israeli Zionists have brought the U.S. government to the bargaining table we are pleased to meet,” said Khamenei. “But the U.S. must agree to convert to Islam or pay the jizya. This is non-negotiable. If they refuse they will be slain.” Khamenei’s comments came as U.S. President George Bush said he favored the talks, in which he said American officials would “try to show the Iranian lunatics the error of their ways.” Washington Post Struggles Amidst declining circulation, declining advertising revenues, and rising newsprint costs, the Washington Post announced that it will eliminate some 80 newsroom positions over the next year. That’s close to 10 percent of its reporters and editors. “An analysis of our business practices revealed that we weren’t using reporters to write our stories anyway,” said Preston Cash, assistant publisher for the paper. “Why pay for something we don’t need?” Cash indicated that the basic structure for all future news stories already exists. “Our internal review showed that one basic theme ran through all our stories,” said Cash. “This theme can be plugged into a computer program that will generate all future stories. All we have to do is throw in a few specific topical anchors like ‘failed war on terror’ or ‘Bush blunders,’ stir in a few statistics or location names and the software will write the story for us.” “Right-wingers say this isn’t news,” said Cash. “We say, if it’s in our paper it is news. After all, the Post is a newspaper.” Skeptics aren’t persuaded that the Post’s strategy will work. “Relying on fabricated news may lower the Post’s labor costs, but it will do little to address the problem of declining circulation and ad revenues,” said Brent Bozell of the Media Research Center. “In fact, it’s likely to aggravate these problems.” Bush Forgets Reporter’s Name, Post Sees Grounds for Impeachment President Bush had a senior moment midway through his news conference. Referring to an earlier question from the Los Angeles Times' Jim Gerstenzang, Bush looked at the veteran correspondent -- and forgot his name. Daryl Montebank, writing for the Washington Post, saw this as vindication of Democrats’ charges that Bush is incompetent. “How could the president forget something so important?” Montebank asks. “The media are the guardians of truth. Bush’s failure to recognize the journalists covering the White House beat is evidence that he either disregards their crucial role or is too incompetent to govern.” “President Clinton never forgot anyone’s name, not once,” said Montebank. “You could sense his deep respect for our mission in his eyes. He felt our pain. He patted our fannies. He loved us.” Montebank went on to predict impeachment if Democrats win a majority in Congress this coming November. Senate Democratic Leader Harry Reid (Nev.) confirmed this calling President Bush "dangerously incompetent.” “We’re ready to oust this ‘loser,’” said Reid. “All we are waiting for is a mandate from the voters. Polls say we will get this. So it’s just a matter of time before we nail him.” Britain’s Prince Charles Says Global Warming Worse than Terrorism Prince Charles, addressing a small business group in London, called climate change a bigger danger than terrorism. “Look, relatively few people ride the trains and buses terrorists bomb,” said the Prince. “I know I never do. But every living thing is affected by global warming. Several ski resorts have already gone bankrupt. Polar bears are drowning. Beaches are being washed away. Global warming’s a disaster.” The heir to the British throne urged that the funds currently devoted to fighting terrorism be redirected toward efforts to stop global warming. The prince suggested that large fans could be constructed in arctic regions to increase the wind-chill factor and reduce the melting of arctic ice caps. French Students Take to Streets Over New Employment Law A new law aimed at reducing youth unemployment (currently 23 percent) by making it easier to hire and fire young workers has sparked an outcry of opposition from the intended beneficiaries. As many as 1.5 million people participated in street demonstrations to protest the “First Job Contract” law passed by Parliament. Jacques Esse, one of the students leading the protest, denounced the law. “They are trying to take away our leisure and force us into boring jobs,” said Esse. “We need money, not excessive demands on our time.” Esse contends that forcing young people into the workforce will have anti-democratic impacts. “Who will march in the streets to protest bad laws if everyone has jobs?” asked Esse. Esse demanded that the government save his generation from a life of meaningless toil. “Our time and our minds should be free to create the new ideas needed for a new millennium,” said Esse. Esse proposed that corporations and the rich be taxed to provide stipends for young intellectuals like himself. Asked what new ideas for a new millennium he has, Esse responded that his proposed stipends for young intellectuals was just the first of many he was sure would be forthcoming if he isn’t bogged down by a dead-end job and has the time to work on them.
John Semmens'
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In a closed-door speech to
Harvard University Democrats, Howard Dean, chairman of the Democratic
National Committee, laid out the Democrats’ program for the upcoming
election.