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JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News

Democrats Promise to Take Osama Out

March 30, 2006

Democrats say Americans deserve "real security," and if Americans vote for Democrats, that's what they'll get. The Democrats' plan calls for a team of representatives to take noted terrorist, Osama bin Laden, out for a dinner and a Broadway show.

"The Republicans say we don't have a plan," said Howard Dean, Chairman of the Democratic National Committee. "Well, we do have a plan. Our entertainment advisors recommend a traditional New York experience: dinner at Sardi's and a Broadway show--maybe 'Fiddler on the Roof' or 'The Producers'--since Osama is reported to be interested in the topics these shows deal with."

Representative Murtha (D-Penn.) and Senator Durbin (D-Ill.) have already agreed to participate. Tentative commitments have been obtained from Alec Baldwin and Barbra Streisand. "If we can bring bin Laden together with America's best and brightest we should be able to achieve peace for our time," said Dean. "All the Republicans want to do is ratchet-up the hostilities. We want to extend the hand of peace to this much maligned man."

New Orleans to Auction Buses

Starved for cash, the New Orleans school district is hoping to sell its flooded school buses on eBay. Mayor Ray Nagin admitted that the buses are unsalvageable, but could have nostalgic value.

"These were the buses that could've been used to evacuate stranded people, but weren't," said Nagin. "That gives them historic significance. Buyers ought to be willing to pay for that."

Funds raised by the sale will be dedicated to the mayor's "city chocolatization" program.

Planned Parenthood Aims to Overturn South Dakota Abortion Law

Planned Parenthood has vowed to bring down the newly-enacted South Dakota law that bans nearly all abortions and says that if a woman's life is in jeopardy, doctors must try to save the life of the fetus as well as the woman.

"This state action blatantly contradicts the law passed by the U.S. Supreme Court in its 1973 Roe v. Wade decision," said Planned Parenthood spokeswoman Emma Looney. "The Court has determined that any limitations on abortion wrongfully restrict the rights of a woman to terminate an unwanted pregnancy. States must enforce this law, not undermine it with their own ill-informed notions."

Planned Parenthood is pursuing a two-stage strategy to overturn the law. "First, we're going to try to get an initiative on the ballot to give South Dakota voters the opportunity to reject this law," said Looney. "If voters can't be persuaded to kill this law we will file a lawsuit and ask the court to kill it."

Looney says she is personally appalled by the requirement that doctors must attempt to save the life of the fetus. "Since when do fetuses have rights?" demanded Looney. "This one state's attempt to extend human rights to fetuses will set a dangerous trend in motion if it is not nipped-in-the-bud."

Former Secretary of State Denounces U.S. Battle against "Evil"

Madeleine Albright, Secretary of State under the Clinton Administration, derided President Bush's policy of combating "evil." "Evil is such a judgmental word," said Albright. "Who's to say what is or isn't evil?"

In an editorial written for the L.A. Times, Albright urged that we be more tolerant of differing points of view. The former Secretary used the example of hostage-taking to make her point. "In our culture, using innocent parties as hostages is viewed unfavorably," said Albright. "But this is cultural myopia. In many parts of the world members of an identified ethnic or religious group are regarded as equally liable for the harm caused by other members of those groups. So, if an American soldier kills a jihadi, persons resembling this soldier, people who are white and probably Christian are considered legitimate targets."

"From our narrow perspective, the beheading of one of these hostages seems horrific," Albright continued. "But from another perspective, it is a necessary, even sacred, act in pursuit of an important political objective and in obedience to deep religious faith."

Albright said Americans must outgrow the simplistic notion that "life, liberty and pursuit of happiness" are universal values and learn to accommodate those who believe in diametrically opposite values. "The essence of diplomacy is putting aside one's own values in order to avoid offending others," said Albright. "What one considers murder, another sees as righteous retribution. It's all relative."

Left-Wing Columnist Demands Government Regulation of Bloggers

Molly Ivins, whose column is distributed by Creators Syndicate, demanded that government lend a hand to struggling mainstream media by placing more stringent controls on Internet bloggers. "These bloggers are killing us," said Ivins. "There are no rules. Anyone can set up a blog and begin spewing opinions and misinformation. This needs to stop."

Ivins proposed an apprenticeship-type program as a remedy. "The government should require a term of apprenticeship with a regular newspaper for anyone who wants to express his opinion in any media -- including the internet," said Ivins. "A little seasoning would go a long way toward inoculating these people against being duped by Bush and his minions."

Under Ivins' plan, the government would issue a license to people authorizing them to publicly express opinions after they completed the apprenticeship. Those caught expressing opinions, either on the Internet or in letters to the editor, without a license would be fined for a first offense and jailed on subsequent offenses.

Saddam Bought Purported U.S. War Plan from Russia

Two Iraqi documents dated in March 2003 - on the eve of the U.S.-led invasion -- and addressed to the secretary of Saddam Hussein, describe details of a presumed U.S. plan for war. According to the documents, the plan was disclosed to the Iraqis by the Russian ambassador in exchange for payment of $1.5 million.

Experts say Saddam was duped. "The supposed plan for the U.S. assault on Iraq called for an amphibious landing by American and British troops on beaches code named Omaha, Utah, Juno and Gold," said an unnamed Pentagon spokesman. "These plans were, in fact, an after-the-fact description of the June 6, 1944 D-Day assault on Nazi-held Europe. All-in-all, it was a clumsy subterfuge."

The spokesman offered a map as evidence. "All they did was invert the map of Normandy," said the spokesman. "Hussein would've had to be a complete idiot to buy this."

In related news, recently declassified Iraqi account of a 1995 meeting between Osama bin Laden and a senior Iraqi envoy presents a "significant set of facts," and shows a more detailed collaboration between Iraq and Al Qaeda. It appears that the duo had jointly written a script for a TV sitcom called "Osama bin Saddamized." The plot is autobiographical and features the hijinks of a wacky terrorist and his stern, but lovable mentor who is also the president of a Middle Eastern country called Quirkistan.

ACLU Rebukes Department of Justice

Despite the fact that the U.S. Department of Justice sent over voluminous answers to questions about the wiretapping program to the members of the House Judiciary Committee, the American Civil Liberties Union condemned the DOJ's answers as "inadequate."

According to Bertram Petty, director of the ACLU Washington office, "The Department of Justice continues to refuse to give answers to the 994 supplemental questions the ACLU believes deserve answers. People need to know how and when this surveillance is taking place so they can avoid having their privacy invaded. DOJ's contention that some of the answers we demand would undermine the effectiveness of counter-terrorism efforts does not impress us. Only a tiny percentage of calls involve terrorists. The invasion of the privacy of the other 99-plus percent of callers is too big of a price to pay for the chance of averting a potential bombing, poisoning, or pathogen strike by terrorists."

"For every terrorist that may be thwarted, thousands of innocent persons may suffer the embarrassment of knowing that government agents may have overheard their phone conversations," said Petty. "Suppose you're trying to arrange an assignation with your mistress. Do you want the feds listening in? What if you're trying to buy some Viagra or penis-enlargement drug. Do you want the feds listening in? We think not."

"We think the American people would prefer to take the small risk of being killed by a terrorist than the risk of having their embarrassing secrets exposed to clandestine scrutiny," said Petty. "After all, only 3,000 out of 300 million Americans were killed in the 9-11 attack. This is less than one-ten-thousandth of a percent of the population. This is tiny compared to the legions who would be mortified to learn that their private phone conversations might've been heard by government agents."

In related news, the ACLU has demanded that the U.S. troops accused of the so-called "mosque massacre" by the Sadr militia be turned over to Iraqi authorities for trial. "These war crimes were committed in Iraq," said Petty. "They must be adjudicated in Iraq under the laws of that country. If it ends up in the grisly beheading of the accused, so be it."

Saddam's No. 2 Places Ad

Saddam Hussein's chief deputy, who has eluded capture since the U.S.-led invasion of Iraq three years ago, has placed help-wanted ads in several leading papers, including the New York Times and Washington Post.

The ads challenge applicants to escape the hum-drum corporate rat-race by signing on for adventure in an "exotic foreign land." The jobs are alleged to have "unlimited potential" for earnings, the major sources of which include million-dollar bounties for slaying identified infidels and lucrative opportunities for looting and extortion.

The Post justified its acceptance of the ad by citing the company's falling revenues. "When money talks, we listen," said Bill Schiller, the Post's vice-president of advertising. "We try not to be judgmental about the type of work in our employment ads. Our comfort level with this ad is enhanced by the expectation that the work, regardless of its potentially violent nature, looks like it will take place outside our main subscriber area."

Mexico Admits Poor Treatment of Migrants

Mexico's federal Human Rights Commission acknowledged that the country uses some of the same methods in dealing with illegal migrants that it has criticized the United States for employing. "Of course, Mexico's population law includes prison terms for illegally entering the country," said Indignacio Hermano, spokesman for the commission. "We figure anyone who would sneak into our nation must be criminally insane. Such persons must be locked up as a public safety matter."

McKinney Apologizes (Sort of) for Punching Cop

The office of Representative Cynthia McKinney (D-Ga.), issued a response to reports of her punching a Capitol police officer: "I had an unfortunate confrontation with a space creature that had assumed the form of a Capitol Hill Police Officer. I feared I would be abducted. Naturally, I fought for my life. Now, people are saying it really was a cop. Well, I'm sorry, but I wasn't just gonna stand there and let myself be probed. As a person of color, I feel I have already suffered enough. It's time that we close out the Jim Crow era and ensure that reparations are paid to every African American."

John Semmens got his start writing about politics for his college newspaper. Since then, he has written more than 500 articles that have been published. In addition to "Semi-News," John writes a recurring column for the East Valley Tribune.

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