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JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News

Planned Parenthood Abortion Centers Lure Teens with Prizes

April 9, 2006

With the number of abortions declining, Planned Parenthood clinics are hurting for business. Planned Parenthood Golden Gate, the San Francisco branch of the organization has hit on a new marketing scheme. Anyone who has an abortion at one of the eight PPGG centers before April 30, 2006, will be entered in a drawing to win an iPod. In addition, any customer who refers a friend who subsequently gets an abortion will be given a pair of movie tickets.

"We're dying here," said Etta Young, PPA spokeswoman. "We needed to come up with something that could boost volume. Failure would mean the demise of our operation. iPods are hip. Every teen loves movies. It was a 'no brainer.'"

Other marketing ideas in the works include "buy one abortion, get a second at half-price," a "frequent aborter" program that earns free stays in participating hotels and/or free airline tickets, and a prize for the best 25-words-or-less essay on "what I liked best about my abortion" from
satisfied customers.

In related news, the pro-abortion lobby launched its strongest argument yet in a confrontation with pro-life advocates on a Canadian campus. The pro-life display depicts large, bloody images of abortion and historical genocide, comparing society's sanction of the killing of unborn children to past government-sanctioned slaughter during the Holocaust and the Rwandan genocide. In response, the pro-abortion demonstrators unfurled a banner
saying "your campaign stinks." Seasoned observers of the debate on abortion say they cannot recall a more incisive or pertinent statement on behalf of abortion rights ever having been made. "The argument is brilliantly simple and logically unassailable," said Dr. Art Slade, professor of Philosophy at
the University of Calgary.

Montreal Woman Receives Judgment for Failed Abortion of Twins

Amelia Loveless tried to abort her twin babies in 1999. The procedure failed and she sued the hospital. Now she has been awarded $45,000 in damages by a Quebec court, after a Montreal hospital left her still pregnant. The woman underwent an abortion procedure at St. Luc's hospital in March 1999. She gave birth to the babies later that year.

Quebec Superior Court Justice Rex Solomon ruled in the woman's favor, even though the hospital had made efforts to contact her. However, in order to claim the award she must turn over the children, now six years old, to be euthanized.

"I had hoped to keep the money and my children," said Loveless. "Now I don't know what to do."

According to the ruling, Loveless has 30 days to decide.

UK to Try "Less Confrontational" Approach to Law Enforcement

In an effort to "ratchet down" the level of hostility between police and lawbreakers, officers have been instructed to be less critical and more understanding when confronting miscreants.

Under the new rules, police are to let burglars off with a "caution," rapists will be required to apologize, and murderers will be subjected to abusive and derogatory chastisement.

"Incarceration is so barbaric," said Horace Bottomly of the Home Office. "We're striving for a more tolerant live-and-let-live attitude."

Bottomly cited anticipated budgetary savings and safety gains expected from the new policy. "With fewer arrests we will save quite a bit on prisons," said Bottomly. "Since police officers won't actually have to bring suspects in, their jobs should be safer. This, in turn, will reduce the Department's health insurance burden."

Bottomly addressed concerns that this would let criminals off too easily. "The Home Office instruction only applies to offenders who have admitted their guilt to the police officers on the scene," said Bottomly. "So, they will have to deal with the humiliation of a public confession."

The overcrowding in UK prisons is believed to be a major motivating factor for the new policy.

Scientists Say Sun Is Cause of Global Warming

Astronomers announced that the Earth is being bathed in infrared energy emanating from a massive stellar body a mere 93 million miles away. As a result, the temperature of the planet has been raised hundreds of degrees above what it otherwise would've been.

"We have discovered that a massive heat transfer has been underway for at least 4 billion years," said Cambridge University astronomer Horatio Dimsdale. "This has had a substantial impact on the environment."

Jeremy Rifkin, president of the Foundation on Economic Trends, says this vindicates his warnings of impending global catastrophe. "I have been trying to warn earthlings of the dangerous warming trend for years now," said Rifkin. "This announcement by leading astronomers confirms my worst fears. The warming trend is far longer and worse than I imagined. We must take immediate action to restore the planet to its original state."

Not everyone is in agreement with Rifkin. Many seek to exploit the warming for personal gain. For 10,000 years or more, farmers have callously plowed the land, sowed seeds and harvested crops seeking to profit from this global warming. Others have flocked to beaches and resorts intent on "soaking up rays," while remaining indifferent to the long term impacts on the planet's ecosystem.

The prognosis for the future is bleak. Scientists are predicting that within a matter of a few billion years this stellar body will expand and engulf the Earth. This forecast prompted a denunciation of the Bush Administration by Howard Dean, chairman of the Democratic National Committee.

"We have been saying all along that the Republicans are incompetent," said Dean. "The fact that the Bush Administration has no plan in effect to deal with this impending disaster proves our point. We're hoping to persuade voters to elect Democrats so we can enact a plan to put an end to this global warming disaster."

Mexico Won't Stop Migrants

Mexican President Vicente Fox said his government will not take action to try to stem the tide of illegal entry from Mexico into the U.S. "Your Statue of Liberty says for us to send our 'wretched refuse' to America," said Fox. "That is what we're doing."

Fox said he is preparing to exile at least 24 drug traffickers to the United States. "These are among the most wretched of our refuse," said Fox. "America is welcome to them."

Fox said his government has strengthen enforcement on Mexico's southern border, where 240,000 Central American migrants attempting to illegally enter Mexico over the last year were turned back. "Many of these migrants were headed for the United States," said Fox. "The opportunity to illegally enter America rightfully belongs to Mexican nationals, not these interlopers. Reconquista is Mexico's destiny. We will reclaim the lands taken from us by American aggressors in 1848."

In related news, organizers of the 500,000-person protest march in Los Angeles vowed that their next move will be a boycott aimed at paralyzing the U.S. economy. An editorial in La Voz de Aztlan said the goal is to bring the U.S. economy to its knees in order to make Latinos who miss Mexico feel more at home in America. The editorial also demanded free tuition for Mexicans to attend California state colleges and universities as reparations for decades of discrimination and oppression.

Californians Support Return to Mexico

Nearly six out of 10 Californians support returning the state to Mexico, according to a new poll released by San Jose State University's Survey and Policy Research Institute.

Mark Pfalzer, of the Survey and Policy Research Institute, said the poll suggests that Californians are indeed receptive to finding ways to acquiesce to the demands of the illegal immigrants. "Although some politicians appear to be trying to perpetuate American hegemony, our survey suggests that Californians are ready to make amends for past wrongs,'' Pfalzer said.

``This poll shows that the people of California recognize that the U.S. seizure of this land from Mexico was an injustice," said Bushwah Shamsayer, director of the California Immigrant Welfare Collaborative. "The wealth of California rightfully belongs to Mexico. It should be shared equally with all Mexicans."

Shamsayer said the issue of reparations for the theft of Mexican assets will also need to be addressed.

DeLay Retirement Called "Dirty Politics"

Representative Tom DeLay's (R-Texas) announced his early retirement from Congress sparked outrage from the Democratic National Committee (DNC).

"Vilifying DeLay was a major portion of our strategy to take back the House of Representatives this fall," said Howard Dean, DNC chair. "The timing of this retirement stinks. It is another example of the vicious and mean-spirited tactics used by Republicans in their drive toward dictatorship."

Dean says that in response to this "underhanded Republican assault" he is ordering another 250,000 of the door-hangers that bear the message -- "Republicans want to rape your wife, kill your dog and sell your children into slavery."

"We are not going to resort to the smear tactics employed by our adversaries," said Dean. "We will continue to take the 'high road' no matter how severe the provocation from the likes of DeLay and his ilk."

Zarqawi Kicked Out as Leader, Takes Job with CBS

Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, the most famous commander in the Iraqi insurgency, has been forced to surrender his leadership by rival groups, angered by his tactics in the Iraqi conflict. According to Huthayfah Azzam, the son of Abdullah Azzam, al-Zarqawi's former mentor, the notorious commander of al-Qaeda in Iraq was stripped of his political duties at a meeting two weeks ago.

"The Iraqi resistance high command asked al-Zarqawi to give up his political role and replaced him with an Iraqi because of several mistakes," said Mr. Azzam. "On several occasions Zarqawi neglected to bring doughnuts to the morning muster. And the coffee he brought was awful. When we learned that his 'secret ingredient' was camel urine, that was the last straw."

It appears, though that Zarqawi has landed on his feet. CBS News has hired him as their Iraqi correspondent. "Mr. Zarqawi has a unique perspective that we feel will bring a freshness to our coverage of Bush Administration failures in the Iraqi War," said Lou Syfer for the network. Salary terms
were not disclosed, but are rumored to be in the mid-six-figure range.

Zarqawi says he is grateful for the opportunity. "Many doors that were previously closed to me will be opened now that I have press credentials," said Zarqawi. "I can't thank CBS enough for this opportunity."

McKinney Escalates Rhetoric over Tiff with Capitol Police

U.S. Rep. Cynthia McKinney (D-Ga.) faces possible criminal charges for an assault on a Capitol Police officer. Ahmad Johnson, one of her lawyers, now claims that McKinney acted in self-defense. "Ms. McKinney was singled out because she is Black," said Johnson. "Whites have a history of raping Black women. Thomas Jefferson did it. My client had every reason to fear the fondling hands of this so-called security guard."

John Semmens got his start writing about politics for his college newspaper. Since then, he has written more than 500 articles that have been published. In addition to "Semi-News," John writes a recurring column for the East Valley Tribune.

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