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JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News

Saddam Memos Called 'Old News' by Major Media

April 22, 2006

Top secret memos captured by U.S. troops during the invasion of Iraq in 2003, but declassified and released only in the last month, reveal both a linkage between Iraq and al-Qaeda for the purpose of launching attacks against the common enemy--the United States--and the presence of weapons of mass destruction.

This stunning revelation has been ignored by the major U.S. media outlets because it is considered "old news."

"Look, these documents were captured three years ago," said Bob Weaver, Middle East editor for CBS News. "In our business, three-day old news is passé. Three years is ancient history. Our viewers need to be presented with fresh, up-to-the-minute news, not this old crap."

Weaver admitted that he couldn't reconcile his perspective with the network's efforts to dig out President Bush's 1968 National Guard service records during the 2004 election campaign. "I admit it seems contrary to our demand for news freshness, but domestic politics are not part of my beat," said Weaver. "I'm sure Rather had good reasons for delving into that issue. We've just got to take that on faith."

While less vocal about their stance, other major media outlets are also ignoring the memos.

Bill Clinton Gave Iran Nuke Plans

According to the book "State of War," by New York Times reporter James Risen, President Clinton personally approved giving Iranian physicists blueprints for part of a nuclear bomb that likely helped Tehran advance its nuclear weapons development program. The revelation comes as the Iranian nuclear crisis turns white hot, with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad boasting ominously that his nation has joined the world's nuclear club.

"We were trying a little 'reverse psychology,'" said Clinton. "We figured they mistrusted us so much that they would do the opposite of whatever they thought we were saying. I guess we were wrong. Well, live and learn."

Iran's nuclear chief, Gholamreza Aghazadeh, said he was grateful for President Clinton's help. "We knew nothing of this 'reverse psychology' thing," said Aghazadeh. "We simply followed the plans and what do you know-now we have a nuclear bomb. Clinton's a wily fox, but this time we outsmarted him."

In related news, Iran's president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, vowed that Israel would be annihilated and Palestine liberated as soon as Iran gets its peaceful nuclear program into full production. Ahmadinejad brushed aside U.S. Secretary of State Condolezza Rice's warnings regarding this program as "the meaningless blather of a female. "We give no importance to her comments," said Ahmadinejad.

Cheney Donation of Millions to Charity Denounced

Vice President Dick Cheney and his wife Lynne gave away nearly $7 million last year to help the poor and to medical research. According to income tax information released by the White House, the Cheneys' adjusted gross income in 2005 was $8,819,006. The Cheneys gave more than three-quarters of their income to several charities, including George Washington University's Cardiothoracic Institute and a charity for low-income high school students in the Washington, D.C. area, Capital Partners for Education.

The Cheneys' charitable generosity was denounced by Democratic National Committee Chairman, Howard Dean. "This generosity conflicts with our continuing efforts to portray Cheney as the cold-hearted miser we all know he is," said Dean. "The donations were a deliberate undermining of our strategy. People are now comparing the millions given away by the Vice-President to the paltry sums donated by Democrats. This is unfair. It's our money. Why should we have to give it away?"

Dean cited millionaire Jim Pederson's donation of $2 million to his campaign against Jon Kyl for the U.S. Senate seat in Arizona as a model of responsible giving that voters should take notice of in the November 2006 election.

In related news, Dean called border security his party's top immigration priority for November. "The first thing we want is tough border control," he said. "Many of these immigrants are failing to register to vote. Correcting this is our top priority. I mean, these are potential Democratic votes going
to waste. Any Mexican that can't see that the Democrats are on their side should be denied entry."

Chavez Planning to Blow up Oil Fields

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez says that his government is considering blowing up his country's oil fields. Speaking to other South American leaders, Chavez pointed out that by blowing up Venezuela's oil fields supply would be further reduced putting upward pressure on prices.

"We will accomplish two goals," said Chavez. "First, by raising the price of oil we strike a blow at the U.S. imperialists and their running dogs. Second, the oil in the ground will become more valuable increasing the wealth of our country."

Chavez's political opponents have called this idea "idiotic." "The blow Chavez intends to strike against the United States will be much more harmful to Venezuelans," said Hermano del Calle. "Our people are poor. Oil revenues help ease the pain of poverty. Destroying these revenues to spite the Americans is idiotic."

Calle admitted that Chavez's plan might make political sense since many Venezuelan voters are also idiots. "This moron is an elected moron," said Calle. "Idiots are his political base. Unfortunately, there are too many of them in our country."

Venezuela is the world's fifth-largest oil exporter and one of the biggest suppliers to the U.S. market.

Senator Durbin Threatens Oil Companies

Senator Dick Durbin (D-Ill.) is demanding congressional action to punish oil companies. "Oil companies are making buckets of money, but are not sharing much of it with us," Durbin said. "Look over the lists of donors to my campaign fund. Oil companies are underrepresented. This is not how the 'game' is played."

Durbin says he will introduce a Windfall Profits Tax bill that would impose an excise tax on oil and gas companies equal to 50 percent of their profits over a baseline price of $40 per barrel of oil unless the oil companies can persuade him not to. "I'm not an unreasonable man," said Durbin. "A show of good faith on the part of oil company executives would go a long way toward getting me to change my mind. I think a lot of my colleagues feel the same way."

California Legislation Would Require Teaching "Gay History"

A bill that would require California public school textbooks to include "gay history" is making its way through the state legislature. The bill, SB 1437, passed a state Senate committee by a vote of 3-1 and is expected to be debated in the full body in the coming days. It would require textbooks to include "the contributions of people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender to the total development of California and the United States." The bill also would prohibit teachers from saying anything "adversely" about
homosexuality.

State Assemblyman Ben Dover (D-S.F.) says it's about time children learned about the state's gay roots. "After all, the land was first settled by gay caballeros over 300 years ago," said Dover. "And everyone knows that most of our entertainment icons are gay. California would be prostrate without the backing of the gay community. We need to give credit where credit is due."

Under provisions in the bill, any public school teacher whose words might be construed as insensitive toward homosexuals would be subject to dismissal upon the testimony of two or more witnesses to the offense.

NYC Mayor Pushes for UN Expansion

A proposal to expand the United Nations headquarters in Manhattan, which state lawmakers killed in 2004, is getting a renewed push from New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg. State approval is required for the international body to build on park land next to its headquarters along the East River at 42nd Street.

Bloomberg suggested that state lawmakers put aside political concerns and focus on the economics. "Okay, so the U.N. is dominated by a gang of anti-Semitic weasels representing some of the most brutal dictatorships around the world," said Bloomberg. "The important thing is that they spend lavishly in the city. This is a great benefit to our economy. From our perspective, what should it matter if they oppress their own people back home or sponsor terrorists in the Middle East? These actions take place far
from the city and don't cost New Yorkers anything."

UN ambassadors from some of the poorest countries in the world are notorious for their expensive tastes while on UN expense accounts. Restaurant tabs running into the hundreds of dollars for one meal are not uncommon.

European Union to Take Action against Islamic Terrorism

The EU is working on a public communication lexicon which blacklists the term "Islamic terrorism." EU leaders will meet in June to decide if the phrase should be banned from all future communications-both written and ral.

"Actually taking action against Islamic terrorists would be dangerous," said Humbert Dinkelfinger, Minister of Security for the EU. "By outlawing the phrase we accomplish two objectives. On the one hand, if we eliminate the use of the phrase many will forget that the risk exists. They will feel more secure. On the other hand, by appeasing the terrorists in this way we may move down on their list of targets. They will focus their attacks on America and we will be safe."

"Jihad" is another term under review. "If we have no word for a phenomenon, how can we be sure it exists?" asked Dinkelfinger. "The phrase 'ignorance is bliss' wouldn't be part of the language if there were no truth to it."

Professor Leads Students in Suppression of Free Speech Rights

A professor at Northern Kentucky University was caught on camera by a reporter from the student newspaper destroying a sign accompanying the pro-life display on campus. NKU police are investigating the incident, in which 400 crosses were removed from the ground and thrown in trash cans. The crosses, meant to represent a cemetery for aborted babies, had been temporarily erected by a student Right to Life group with permission from NKU officials.

Sally Jacobsen, a professor in NKU's literature and language department, said the display was dismantled by students in one of her graduate-level classes.

"I invited my students to express their opinion by destroying the display," said Sally Jacobsen, a professor in NKU's literature and language department. "People are saying that I and my students violated the free-speech rights of the right-to-lifers. I say the destruction of offensive displays is an expression of our freedom to not have to listen to opinions we disapprove. I was infuriated. The crosses were intimidating. Women who want to terminate a pregnancy shouldn't have to run a gauntlet of contrary views on their way to the clinic."

Jacobsen dismissed the contention that freedom of speech requires toleration of opposing views. "Women have been too tolerant of a society that oppresses them," said Jacobsen. "We can't be deterred by bourgeois sentimentality. It's time we strike back."

Bill Clinton Expresses Regret

In his appearance before the Joint Center for Political and Economic Studies, former President Bill Clinton regrets that -- despite all his talents and all his efforts he wasn't able to do more. "I spent my lifetime trying, but there's still hundreds of thousands, maybe millions of women who will die without having had the opportunity to service their government and its leaders. This is galling and painful to me."

John Semmens got his start writing about politics for his college newspaper. Since then, he has written more than 500 articles that have been published. In addition to "Semi-News," John writes a recurring column for the East Valley Tribune.

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