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JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News

Iran Says It May Withdraw from UN

April 28, 2006

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad hinted that Iran would consider withdrawing from the UN. "The UN is a conglomeration of pompous, pusillanimous twits," said Ahmadinejad. "What has more than 30 years of membership in the agency given us? Our withdrawal is a merciful alternative to what these nincompoops deserve."

The UN Security Council has demanded that Iran suspend enrichment of uranium, a process that can produce fuel for nuclear reactors material for nuclear warheads. If Iran fails to comply UN General Secretary Kofi Annan says he will consider placing a letter of stern reprimand in Iran's official file. Others are demanding harsher action. A source requesting anonymity has suggested Iran could be shunned by representatives of other nations: "When the Iranians have to eat lunch by themselves maybe they will rethink their
policies."

In response, Ahmadinejad has said that it would look more favorably on the UN if it would take action to eliminate Israel. "We say that this fake Israeli regime cannot not logically continue to live," said Ahmadinejad. "Iran wouldn't be forced to take on the elimination of Israel alone if the UN would do its job."

Annan said Iran must follow protocol if it wants UN action. "If Iran wants to place the elimination of Israel before the UN it must follow appropriate procedure," said Annan. "Iran has not paid a single bribe. How can they expect us to view their proposal favorably?"

Consumer Confidence Hits 4-Year High

Consumers shrugged off higher gasoline prices in April and sent a widely watched barometer of consumer confidence to its highest level in almost four years. The New York-based Conference Board said that its consumer confidence index rose to 109.6, up from a revised 107.5 in March. April's reading was the highest since the index touched 110.3 in May 2002.

Consumer confidence buoyed by a robust economy and plentiful employment opportunities has confounded Democratic strategists. "There is no justification for this confidence," said Howard Dean, chairman of the Democratic National Committee. "It is in direct contradiction to our message that this is the worst economy in U.S. history."

Dean went on to blame Republican initiated tax cuts for a "false sense confidence." "This can't really be happening," said Dean. "The Republican claim that letting taxpayers keep more of their earnings stimulates them to work harder and invest more conflicts with everything I know about economics. Rising incomes are luring consumers into a false sense of confidence."

Dean says the DNC will get things turned around. "We are stepping up our criticism," said Dean. "By election day, we think voters will be ready to punish Republicans for a disastrous economy even if statistics stubbornly continue to indicate economic prosperity."

Spain's Socialist Party Wants to Give Apes Rights

The Socialist Party is trying to pass a parliamentary initiative that includes simians in the category of "people" and, thereby, grant them legal and moral protection. Under the measure, apes would be put on a par with handicapped people.

Spain's Prime Minister, José Luis Rodríguez Zapatero, defended the initiative as the "next logical step in the evolution of Spanish socialism." "The boundary between man and ape is an arbitrary one," said Zapatero. "Many in the human race share a large number of traits with the apes. Where should we draw the line? Why should we draw a line?"

Zapatero said he is confident that granting voting rights to apes is feasible. "Apes have the manual dexterity to mark ballots," said Zapatero. "There is no physical barrier to their participation in selecting who will govern Spain."

The conservative Popular Party's opposition to the legislation was dismissed as partisan. "The conservatives know that this newly empowered under-privileged segment of our society is likely to vote Socialist," said Zapatero. "Their opposition is driven by pure partisanship. We, on the other hand, are merely trying to extend the blessings of democracy to a wider constituency. We socialists believe apes need to have a voice. We are ready to listen to that voice."

Zapatero said the extension of rights to apes may not be the last expansion of the franchise. "Researchers recently announced that starlings can apparently recognize the grammatical concept of adding sounds to produce a more complex song" said Zapatero. "Adding sounds to produce a more complex song has been my path to political success."

Zapatero agreed that the logistics of casting a ballot would be more complex for birds than apes, but says he is optimistic this difficulty can be overcome.

Hamas Government Makes Urgent Appeal for Funds

Palestinian Prime Minister Ismail Haniyeh made an urgent appeal to Arab nations to send money to the Hamas-led administration. March salaries to 165,000 government workers have gone unpaid and April wages are due next
week.

"The economy is a wreck," said Haniyeh. "No one wants to work. Everyone wants to be a jihadi or martyr. Unfortunately, shooting Jews and bombing buses doesn't yield any tax revenue."

While the prime minister has exaggerated--some Palestinians are working--the cost of ammunition exceeds the revenues the government can extract from the employed minority.

"We are on the front line in the war against Zionism," said Haniyeh. "If our fellow Muslims don't send enough money we may be forced to call a truce."

Saudi Arabia had pledged $90 million in emergency aid. That is on top of promised cash that has yet to arrive from other Arab nations.

Democrats Blame High Gas Prices on Bush

As consumer gasoline prices continue to rise, Democrats are saying it is President Bush's fault.

"The Bush administration thinks the answer is to drill for more oil to produce more gasoline," said Senator Bill Nelson (D-Fla.). "We say the answer is to cut prices."

In his party's weekly radio address, Nelson noted that congress has already said no to more drilling. "Bush's idea that increasing supplies would aid consumers isn't going to happen," Nelson said. "Congress is standing firm against increasing the supply of fuel."

Nelson suggested that an immediate cap on gasoline prices be imposed to ensure that fuel is affordable. "With a price cap in place, we could concentrate on developing vehicles that run on alternate fuels."

President Bush dismissed price controls as "self-defeating." "Elementary economics tells us that a price cap will discourage supply and encourage demand," said Bush. "The inevitable result of the Democrats' plan would be shortages and gas lines. Unless the 'alternate fuel' is hot air, they'll only make things worse."

Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Mass.) says Bush's mocking of the hot air option shows a lack of understanding. "We shouldn't be so dismissive of the hot air alternative," said Kennedy. "I believe America may have nearly inexhaustible supplies of it."

Kerry Says Bush Stifling Dissent

Senator John Kerry (D-Mass.), in an address to a standing ovation at Boston's historic Faneuil Hall, said that those who disagree with the Bush administration's policies are being stifled. "Some, like Cindy Sheehan, have been arrested," said Kerry. "One man has been shot by Vice-President Cheney. Others are frightened into silence by stories of torture and terror of those who have fallen into the clutches of this evil administration."

"Bush Administration demands that the media be fair and unbiased in their reporting have sent a 'chill' through newsrooms across America," Kerry continued. "Broadcasters and editors have been intimidated into withholding criticism of the President's reckless war on terror. As a result, voters are inundated with pro-administration propaganda from virtually every news media outlet. My friends, our country is headed into a dark abyss of fascist oppression unless voters return control of congress to the Democratic Party."

Kerry went on to predict that his speech would be ignored by the media and he, himself, most likely arrested or assassinated by the CIA.

Sweden Pulls Out of Air Force Exercise with Israel

The Swedish government has pulled out of an international military exercise in Italy on short notice, after discovering that the Israeli air force was due to take part. The decision comes two weeks before the event. The exercise had been planned for more than eight months.

Anticipating criticism, Swedish Minister of Defense, Gunnar Yunkrygg, preemptively explained the move. "We are NOT motivated by anti-Semitism or fear of reprisals from the Muslims in Sweden," said Yunkrygg. "It's just that, upon reflection, we realized that a military exercise of any kind would be out of character for us. Sweden is the land of the dancing queens, not a land of war mongers. It is our tradition to remain neutral no matter how dire the threat may be."

Yunkrygg pointed out that Sweden had remained neutral during World War II. "If we didn't take sides when Nazis were ravaging Europe and annihilating the Jews why should we take sides now?" Yunkrygg asked. "We don't want to be judgmental. We don't want people to think that we condemn their values just because they may differ from ours."

A tape of Yunkrygg's remarks was FedExed to al-Jazeera to ensure that Sweden's position would not be misunderstood by the Islamic community.

In related news, the Grand Mosque of Stockholm ran afoul of Sweden's law against racial incitement when it distributed anti-Semitic audio cassettes to worshippers. Operators of the Mosque appealed their case and charges were dropped. Goran Lambertz, Swedish Chancellor of Justice, ruled that although the statements were highly degrading to Jews and would normally be prohibited, he was making an exception in this case. "Anti-Semitism is a deeply held tenet of the Muslim faith," said Lambertz. "As such, anti-Semitic statements by Muslims cannot be judged by the same standards. To do so would, in effect, interfere with their practice of their religion."

Mustaf Killaju, spokesman for the Mosque, praised Lambertz's decision. "Allah has helped this infidel understand the truth about the Jews," said Killaju. "I hope Lambertz will be able to convert to Islam. It would be a shame to have to kill him after this favor to our faith. In any case, as a show of gratitude, we are moving his name to the bottom of the list of those to be slain once Islam rules Sweden."

Mexicans Say U.S. Is Racist

A new poll on Mexican attitudes towards the U.S. debate on illegal immigration has found that a large plurality of those surveyed say "the Gringos who favor tighter border security are racist."

The same poll found that 76 percent of Mexicans think that the U.S. government should provide free transportation, food, medical care, a decent place to live, and weekly spending money for illegal migrants. 79 percent of Mexicans want illegals already in the U.S. to be allowed to vote on U.S. elections. In the words of one survey respondent, "Voting is our human right no matter where we live."

Neanderthals Lived in Iranian Cave

The latest excavations by an Iranian and French joint team at prehistoric caves of Kermanshah, west of Iran, revealed them to have been early settlements of Neanderthals who used to live there about 85,000 to 40,000 years ago. Current whereabouts any remaining Neanderthals are a matter of speculation. Nevertheless, many are convinced that they are now running the Iranian government.

John Semmens got his start writing about politics for his college newspaper. Since then, he has written more than 500 articles that have been published. In addition to "Semi-News," John writes a recurring column for the East Valley Tribune.

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