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JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News

'Day without Immigrants' Not So Bad

May 4, 2006

The May 1 boycott didn't appear to faze most Americans. Most weren't even aware there was a boycott. Others said they appreciated the lighter traffic. A few were frustrated with the "lack of understanding" of most of the
illegal immigrants.

Ken Nada of Phoenix said he didn't know anything about the boycott. "I don't pay much attention to the news," said Nada. Living off of income from a trust fund set up by his grandfather, Nada said he spends most of his time getting stoned. "None of this stuff don't make no difference to me. My dealer is still working, so what do I care?"

Los Angeles resident Rodney King said he appreciated the faster work commute. "Usually it takes me an hour to get to work," said King. "Today, I got to work in half the time. I wish every day was a boycott."

In Chicago, Democratic campaign worker Howie Connum expressed frustration at his inability to get many of the protestors to register to vote. "These morons think that because they are here illegally and don't speak English
that they shouldn't vote," said a fuming Connum. "I tell them that their votes are a way to safe guard their rights, but they have an overblown fear of getting caught. There's a basic lack of understanding about how the system works."

Boycott organizers' hopes of sending a message have produced a response that makes it difficult to determine whether the message was received as intended. "We were hoping that fear of unmowed lawns, unmade beds and
unfried tacos would cause Americans to rethink their racist opposition to open borders," said Delictivo Abogar, one of the organizers of the Miami demonstration. "But I guess it will take more time before the importance of these essential services penetrates the thick gringo skulls of the Norte
Americanos."

In related news, the United Front for the Liberation of Aztlan renewed its demand that the Mexican national anthem be played before all sporting events taking place in the states currently known as California, Nevada, Utah, Arizona and New Mexico. "For the time being, until we have reclaimed our land, both anthems can be played," said Hernando Cortes, spokesman for UFLA. "After that, we'll see."

Howard Dean Says Karl Rove Is Bigger Threat than bin Laden

Democratic National Committee chairman Howard Dean says presidential advisor Karl Rove poses a bigger threat to America than Osama bin Laden. "Karl Rove is doing more to keep the evil Bush regime in power than bin Laden is," said Dean. "I mean, in a way, bin Laden is actually an ally in our battle to take back America. He'd do anything he could to bring Bush down. So, we're not that far apart in our goals."

Dean said he is looking forward to impeaching Bush when the Democrats take back congress this Fall. "It'll be payback time," said Dean. "The Republicans had their fun with President Clinton. Next January it will be our turn."

Dean would not rule out turning an impeached and deposed Bush over to bin Laden. "Well, maybe we could work something out," said Dean. "It depends on how much help we get from bin Laden between now and November. I don't think it would be unreasonable to interpret a Democratic victory in November as a mandate for a final solution to the Bush problem."

ACLU Demands Saddam Be Released

The American Civil Liberties Union has issued a demand that former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein, currently being tried for crimes against humanity in Iraq, be released.

"The troops that captured Hussein did so without the benefit of a search warrant," said ACLU spokesman Bertram Petty. "This makes his arrest illegal."

Petty dismissed objections that turning this mass murderer loose would cost more lives in Iraq and possibly elsewhere. "The game has rules," said Petty. "Getting a warrant is one of those rules. It would be unfair for us to bend the rules just because lives are at stake. Two wrongs don't make a right
regardless of the situation."

The Bush Administration contends that congressional authorization to use force against Iraq makes Hussein's arrest a legitimate act. "We caught this bastard," said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. "There's no way we're letting him off based on the puling of some left-wing lobbyist."

Tough Iran Resolution on the Way

U.S. Under Secretary of State Nicholas Burns says he expects a binding U.N. resolution on Iran's nuclear program that could allow for sanctions.

"Right now we are trying to work out some disagreements over language," said Burns. "Some say they will only agree to describing Iran's failure to comply with the nuclear nonproliferation treaty as 'naughty.' We are pushing for a
stronger 'unacceptable' as the applicable terminology."

Even if the language issues can be resolved the question of sanctions is still a point of contention. Russia and China both insist that a month without desserts should be sufficient to bring Iran to its knees. The U.S. is holding out for restricting Iran's 'Game Boy' privileges to two-hours/day.

"We want to show the Iranians we mean business," said Burns. "But we don't want to be so harsh that we drive them over the edge to total insanity. Eventually, within a few years, maybe a decade, you will see international support for sanctions if Iran does not desist from its nuclear activities."

Arizona Democrat Denounces Gas-Guzzling Americans

Jim Pederson, the Democrat running for the U.S. Senate in Arizona, castigated Americans for their wasteful travel habits. "Americans are energy hogs," said Pederson. "They cruise around in their gas-guzzling cars when they should be riding the bus to conserve fuel."

Asked how he could be so critical of others when he himself drives a monster SUV that gets 13 miles per gallon, Pederson became defensive. "Listen, I earned the money to pay for this vehicle," Pederson shouted. "I'm a millionaire. I have important business to attend to. No one can tell me I
ought to ride the bus."

Pederson hopes to unseat Jon Kyl, whom Pederson says is out of touch with the common man.

In related news, scientists from the University of Cornell have discovered a massive amount of oil of the coast of Louisiana. Sen. John F. Kerry (D-Mass.) vowed that he will do everything he can to prevent this find from being exploited. "Every addition to our inventory of fuel just puts off the inevitable day of reckoning," said Kerry. "Americans need to be weaned off of oil, not have their gas-guzzling demands satisfied."

Kerry fended off charges that his stance is hypocritical by reminding critics that the gas-guzzling vehicles he drives are, in fact, owned by his wife. "These criticisms are unfair," said Kerry. "The fact is, I don't own any gas-guzzling vehicles. My wife controls the checkbook. I have to drive whatever she provides. Take your complaints to her."

Jihadist Says Children an "Ideal Target'"

Palestinian jihadists say a Florida Jewish teenaged boy injured by a suicide bomber in Tel Aviv was an ideal target. Daniel Wultz, 16, remains comatose two weeks after the attack killed nine people and injured more than 60 others.

Abu Nasser, a leader of the Al Aqsa Martyrs' Brigades, one of the groups claiming to be responsible for the blast, said that "Wultz was the best target combination we can dream of -- young and unarmed."

"Some say that if we had any courage we would aim our attacks at the Israeli Army," said Nasser. "Well, we aren't stupid. Israeli troops are armed and dangerous. Our chances of success against them are limited. Helpless civilians are a more feasible target for us. We are more likely to succeed
in these missions."

Abu Ayman, a leader of the Islamic Jihad, which also took responsibility for the April 17 bombing, said he regretted Wultz is still alive, but vowed to go on until every Jew and Jew-lover, no matter where they are found, is dead.

Animal Activists' Abattoir Protest Ends Tragically

Animal activists who chained themselves to the killing area of an abattoir at Ipswich in south-east Queensland last week were forced to gnaw off the foot of the group's leader to free themselves. The 12 protesters had hoped their actions would disrupt the World Meat Congress, which is under way in Brisbane. However, no one paid any attention to them.

As time dragged on, hunger and thirst became unbearable. Iris Wildflower, the protestor entrusted with the key to the chains had swallowed it to prevent anyone from using it to thwart the protest. Unfortunately, the lack of food and water led to Ms. Wildflower's constipation. This prevented the
group from recovering the key and freeing themselves.

Protester Kitty Kaat says the experience was awful. "We wanted to make a statement against eating meat, but everyone ignored us," said Kaat. "It was awful. We ended up as cannibals. I feel both angry at Iris and sorry we had
to chew off her foot so we could get free."

After having her foot gnawed off, Ms. Wildflower was able to crawl to a phone and call for help. Police then cut the chains, freeing her fellow protestors-most of whom were taken to a hospital and treated for dehydration. No arrests were made.

Abattoir management has declined to comment.

Kennedy Crashes Car Near Capitol

Rep. Patrick Kennedy (D-R.I.) crashed his car near the U.S. Capitol, and a police official said he appeared intoxicated. Kennedy said he was rushing to cast what he hoped would be a decisive vote on a matter of great importance.

Kennedy issued a statement after a volley of news reports stirred interest in the crash. "It is alleged that I was involved in a traffic accident at First and C Street SE near the U.S. Capitol," Kennedy said in his statement. "It has not been conclusively determined whether I was in the vehicle much
less driving it. There is no evidence that I consumed alcohol prior to the incident. I'm working with my lawyers to find the truth."

Kennedy's father, Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Mass.) asserted that his son was the target of a rightwing witch hunt. "The same administration that is torturing prisoners of war has set its sights on my son," Kennedy complained. "When
police brought him home he had panties on his head and a dog collar around his neck. This is the Bush MO. I am more determined than ever to see this bastard impeached."

A letter written by a Capitol Police officer Greg Baird to Acting Chief Christopher McGaffin said Kennedy appeared to be staggering when he left the vehicle after the 3 a.m. crash. "Representative Kennedy said he was late for a vote," Baird said. "He kept saying he had to vote for Katharine. But the Capitol was dark and no meetings were in session."

Speculation is that it was Katharine McPhee that the young Kennedy was mumbling about. Ms. McPhee is a contestant on the "American Idol" television show.

Kennedy spent time at a drug rehabilitation clinic before he went to Providence College. He has been open about his mental health issues, including the revelation that he has been diagnosed with "moonbat" disorder.

John Semmens got his start writing about politics for his college newspaper. Since then, he has written more than 500 articles that have been published. In addition to "Semi-News," John writes a recurring column for the East Valley Tribune.

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