John Semmens46

JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News

Iranian President Writes Letter to Bush

May 13, 2006

Iran's leader has written a letter to President Bush as a bid to settle their differences. This is the first letter from an Iranian head of state to
an American president in 27 years. In the letter, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad proposes "new solutions for getting out of international problems and the current fragile situation of the world."

In the letter Ahmadinejad says that his country is willing to forgive America for offenses he says merit "annihilation" if America is willing to make amends by meeting Iran "half-way."

Ahmadinejad writes that Iran will refrain from attacking Israel if the U.S. agrees to relocate the Jews outside of Palestine. "I have heard that there is a place in America some call 'Hymietown,'" said Ahmadinejad. "It seems
that the Israeli Jews could be taken there for the time being. By meeting us half-way with this compromise America can postpone the annihilation Islam decrees is its due."

A Washington Post editorial called Ahmadinejad's letter "remarkably conciliatory" and urged the Bush Administration to grasp this opportunity to ensure peace for our time.

In a speech delivered in Tehran after news of the letter became public, Ahmadinejad reassured his base by affirming that the Jews are a "pestilence" that will ultimately be "exterminated." "We ask our Muslim brothers to be patient," said Ahmadinejad. "Each day we grow stronger as the infidels grow weaker. Time is on our side. Ultimately, the Jewish pestilence will be exterminated."

In related news, Iran's supreme leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, confirmed that the ban on women attending soccer matches will be retained. "We must safeguard the virtuous women of Islam against the erotic temptations
inspired by watching shapely, sweaty men in short pants kicking their balls around the field," said Khamenei.

Howard Dean Outlines Democratic Agenda for Real Change

On ABC's "This Week," Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean outlined the Democratic Party's agenda for bold leadership and real change.

The following are excerpts from Dean's appearance:

Economy: "We think voters have become disillusioned with the Bush tax cuts and are ready to embrace a Democratic initiative for targeted tax increases," Dean said. "Families are being wrenched out of their accustomed lifestyles as clients of the welfare state. Do middle class voters really want these lower class denizens joining their ranks? We think not."

War on Terror: "Attacking Iraq was a mistake," said Dean. "We need to bring the troops home to defend against the real terrorist threat--rightwing extremism and Republican oppression of minorities."

Corruption: "Republicans have had their hands in the till long enough," said Dean. "It's time to give the Democrats a chance."

Immigration: "We are opposed to immigrants taking the jobs that could be done by Americans," said Dean. "Impoverished migrants should be replacing Americans who've been pushed off the welfare rolls by economic growth. These will both secure the self-esteem of Americans and provide continued employment for government social workers who would otherwise have to be let go."

Health Care: "Our health care system is broken," said Dean. "Is there anyone left who doubts that a massive increase in government bureaucracy is the medicine needed to cure this problem?"

Saudi Cleric Makes Bid for 2008 Democratic Presidential Nomination

A lecture that touched on the meaning of jihad catapulted a leading Saudi cleric into the race for the 2008 Democratic presidential nomination. Sheik Nasser bin Suleiman Al-Omar said in remarks broadcast on the Arab satellite network Al-Jazeera, "Love for America is now disappearing from the hearts, within America itself and elsewhere, whereas Islam is growing even within America. Twenty-five thousand people have converted to Islam every year since 9-11, and an even larger figure was mentioned in the New York Times."

The sheik claimed there have been more than 40,000 American and Western deaths in Iraq. "Because there were so many casualties, the Americans began to throw them into the Tigris and the Euphrates," said al-Omar. "The fish have eaten from the flesh of the Americans and have gotten fat."

Howard Dean, Chairman of the Democratic National Committee says he found the sheik's remarks "intriguing." "Al-Omar has a vision that cannot be denied," said Dean. "His report on U.S. casualties has revealed yet another lie of
the Bush Administration. Our troops are being massacred. It's clear to me that America can't win against Islam. The demographics are pointing to a rising Muslim tide. We need to figure out a way to turn this tide into votes for the Democratic Party."

Dean said he wouldn't rule out putting al-Omar on the 2008 Democratic ticket as a candidate for vice-president, but only if the sheik enters America illegally from Mexico. "If we can boost Latino and Muslim participation, Democrats will recapture the reins of government in America," said Dean.

Spain's 40 Percent Solution

José Luis Rodríguez Zapatero, Spain's socialist prime minister, is demanding that women make up at least 40 percent of the candidates from any political party and 40 percent of the members on corporate boards. The initiative,
which is expected to go before Parliament in June, is a signature proposal of Zapatero's campaign to make Spain a world leader in the expansion of civil liberties and the promotion of gender equality.

Feminists have chastised Zapatero for not insisting on at least a 50 percent set-aside for women. "Women are half the population," said Hermana Dominio, president of Full Equality Now. "They should have half the power."

Zapatero said the 40 percent figure was arrived at to allow 60 percent of the women to continue to fulfill traditional roles as mothers and prostitutes.

4-Year-Old Kid Outruns Transit Bus

Cheered by thousands, a 4-year-old boy dubbed ''India's Forrest Gump'' outran a municipal transit bus in a 40 mile race. ''I wanted to show how bad the bus service is here,'' Budhia Singh told reporters. "I am only four, but I am still faster than the bus."

Officials of the Bhubaneswar Transit Authority say it wasn't a fair test because the bus had to make stops to pick-up and drop off passengers. "If we didn't have to carry passengers I'm almost certain our bus would've made the trip faster than this little boy," said Apu Bushwa, speaking for the agency.

Raghed Numbhatt, leader of the local Socialist Workers Party, said the race unfairly pitted a public service against an unconstrained capitalist competitor. "The transit service is for all the people," said Numbhatt. "This boy serves only himself."

Numbhatt said the stunt confirmed the need for larger transit subsidies. "The fact that this boy could afford to buy running shoes shows that there is money out there to support better transit service," said Numbhatt. "We just need to enact the necessary taxes to ensure that that money is dedicated to social benefit rather than private interests."

Prince Charles' Conversion Attempt Rejected by Imam

Prince Charles' announcement of his conversion to Islam was immediately rejected by Sheik Abdul Rahman al-Seedes, the imam of the Grand Mosque in Mecca, Saudi Arabia. "This dolt has been a constant source of embarrassment to the infidels," said al-Seedes. "We do not want him in our tent, polluting our thoughts and defiling our beliefs."

Al-Seedes cited the Prince's high profile in the tabloids for his extramarital hijinks and expressed desire to be a tampon as key factors in the rejection. Only one ray of hope was held out to the Prince. "The only way this buffoon can redeem himself is through martyrdom for Islam," said al-Seedes. Seedes suggested that a suicide bombing of the palace or parliament would be an appropriate demonstration of faith for Prince Charles to make.

EU Suggests Creating Fund to Aid Palestinians

The EU has suggested to the US, Russia, and the UN that a joint fund be created to give aid to the Palestinians that will bypass the Hamas-led government and go directly to Gaza gunmen. "Direct aid will bypass the Hamas bureaucracy that is sure to siphon-off funds," said Ignace Boffin, Minister of Finance for the European Union. "This way, those who desperately need to buy bullets and bombs can be assured of funding with a minimum of delay."

The EU prepared a $43 million aid package that is ready to go as soon as the U.S., Russia, and UN provide a match.

In related news, The Israeli company that provides fuel to the Palestinians is cutting off supplies due to nonpayment of debts. Palestine is currently $26 million in arears on its fuel payments. Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas hopes to enlist American and European diplomats in pressuring Israel
to ensure the flow of fuel to the Palestinian areas. "We need this fuel to fight the Zionist occupiers of our land," said Abbas. "Gaza gunmen should not have to walk in the desert heat to attack Israel. Israel's withholding of gasoline is a crime against humanity."

Conyers Opposes Vouchers, Sends Own Kids to Posh Private School

Rep. John Conyers (D-Mich.), a self-proclaimed advocate for the under-privileged, opposes school vouchers that would allow poorer Americans access to private schools for their children. At the same time, Conyers enrolls his own children in The Cranbrook School, one of the nation's most expensive private schools.

Conyers says that the accusation he is a hypocrite is unfair. "The explanation is simple," said Conyers. "I don't want my kids sitting next to the kind of riff-raff you find in the public schools. And I certainly don't want to give them vouchers that would allow them to attend The Cranbrook School."

Cuellar Wants More U.S. Aid for Mexico

U.S. Congressman Henry Cuellar (D-Texas) says the U.S. should be giving more foreign aid to Mexico. "Emigrating to the U.S. is expensive," Cuellar told attendees during a meeting of the International Good Neighbor Council. "Many
Mexicans are too poor to afford travel expenses. Coyotes charge hundreds of dollars per person to smuggle them into America."

"I would like to see the $2-$8 billion some say would be the cost of a security wall to be handed over to the Mexican government so they can improve their transportation system," said Cuellar. "That should help reduce emigration costs for most entering America."

Clark Assails Iraqi Trial of Saddam Hussein

Former U.S. Attorney General Ramsey Clark, a member of Saddam Hussein's defense team, said the former Iraqi president's trial was a sham designed to justify the U.S.-led invasion. "The only people Saddam killed were Iraqis," said Clark. "And that was done legally. The Iraqi government authorized Saddam to kill these people. It's George Bush who should be on trial here, not Saddam."

Clark conceded that the standards used to condemn Saddam's victims might not meet U.S. concepts of law. "From a U.S. perspective, killing the wives and children of men who conspired to assassinate Saddam appears wrong," Clark admitted. "However, in Iraq the 'tainting of the blood' is a recognized principle of law. The U.S. has no right to impose its standards of justice on another country. Invading Iraq and deposing its legitimate government--Saddam was elected with over 99 percent of the vote, you know--is the real crime."

Clark demanded that charges against Saddam be dropped and proceedings against President Bush for war crimes be initiated.

John Semmens got his start writing about politics for his college newspaper. Since then, he has written more than 500 articles that have been published. In addition to "Semi-News," John writes a recurring column for the East Valley Tribune.

John Semmens' Semi-News Archives: