JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News

Legislation Would Board Illegals in Private Homes

May 26, 2006

The Senate has voted to require citizens to board illegal aliens in private homes. The legislation, introduced by Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Mass.), is modeled on the troop boarding practices employed in Boston during the 1770s.

"Two problems faced by these immigrants are homelessness and racism," said Kennedy. "This bill will fix both."

Under the plan, the Dept of Housing and Urban Development would compile a database of U.S. housing including square footage, number of inhabitants and location. Illegal aliens would be assigned to homes where the square footage per inhabitant exceeds the national average by 20 percent or more.

"Instead of roaming the streets or crowding into ghetto apartments,
immigrants would enjoy a secure roof over their heads," said Kennedy. "They'd be clean, well-rested and more readily employable. They could also use the address when registering to vote."

Sen. John Ensign (R-Nev.) called Kennedy's bill "mind-boggling." "Senator Kennedy and the 49 other senators who voted for his bill want to grant special privileges to lawbreakers," said Ensign. "This goes beyond amnesty to insanity."

Kennedy dismissed critics as "racists." "We are a wealthy country," said Kennedy. "Many Americans have a surplus of living space. Sharing that space with our brown brothers from Mexico would be both humane and enlightening. Bringing people together like this bill would do helps promote understanding and tolerance. Segregating immigrants in Latino ghettos is racist."

Kennedy said he was inspired to do this so that "whatever happened to 'Little Billy' wouldn't happen to 'Little Pedro.'"

Clinton Has Plan to Cut Oil Use

Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-N.Y.) proposed a plan that she says would cut America's oil and gasoline consumption in half by 2025. The plan would require all drivers to apply for trip permits from the Department of Transportation before being allowed to operate their vehicles on public roads.

"Right now, anyone can consume precious oil by taking any frivolous trip they want," said Clinton. "This has got to stop. Fuel must be conserved for important uses."

Under Clinton's plan, drivers would have to file trip requests 30 days in advance of the desired time of the trip in order to give the DOT time to determine whether the trip should be allowed. Regularly planned trips like a daily work commute or weekly trip to the grocery store could be consolidated into one trip permit application for each intended trip purpose. The DOT will weigh factors like the importance of the intended trip objective and
the availability of alternatives to driving alone. The plan would be funded by a $50 billion tax increase on gasoline.

Abbey Crank, professor of environmental studies at New York University, helped designed Clinton's plan. "We're trying to place national need above individual greed," said Crank. "People are driving to work when they should be taking the bus, driving to the store when they should be walking, or worse, driving just for fun. This non-essential driving uses fuel that should be conserved for the collective benefit of society."

Former vice president Al Gore praised Senator Clinton's "courageous" proposal as a good first step toward the elimination of the automobile. "The mobility provided by the automobile is both an environmental and social curse," said Gore. "Auto emissions are wrecking the environment. Excessive travel is destroying our roots. Before the automobile, it was common for people to spend their whole lives within a few miles of where they were born. They had roots. We must do whatever we can to save the environment and
restore this sense of rootedness to America."

While Clinton's proposal has engendered mostly favorable comment from the media, it may face tougher going from the Bush Administration. Press Secretary Tony Snow characterized the plan as "incomprehensibly idiotic" and a "guaranteed fiasco, reminiscent of the Carter Administration."

In related news, former president Bill Clinton, speaking to the graduating class at University of Texas' Lyndon B. Johnson School of Public Affairs, said "Climate change is a more profound threat to the future of our children than terrorism," Clinton said. "In fact, by killing people, terrorists, in a way, are helping combat global warming. Each death means one less person is breathing carbon-dioxide into the air, worsening the greenhouse effect." Clinton urged the graduating seniors to "get off your exquisitely shapely butts, unzip my pants and get down to work for a better world."

FTC Finds Gas Price Rises when Supplies Are Short

After eight months of intensive investigation, the Federal Trade Commission said it found that gasoline prices tend to rise when supplies are perceived to be scarce. The $10 million study mandated by Congress, found that the average price of gasoline in disaster areas was higher than prices under normal conditions.

"It's the weirdest thing," said Jack Ashe, FTC analyst. "It's almost as if there is some kind of hidden force because everywhere we looked we found that as supplies went down, prices went up. And that wasn't all, we also found that when demand went up, so did prices."

Economics professor Walter Williams of George Mason University called the study a waste of time and money. "The explanation for the relationship between supply and demand is elementary economics," said Williams. "The information is available for free on the web at
http://www.investopedia.com/university/economics/economics3.asp. Instead of eight months the study should've taken no longer than eight minutes."

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) questioned Williams' "ivory tower theories." "I feel these fluctuations are highly suspicious," said Pelosi. "I mean, you'd think there was some sort of conspiracy at work to produce such a consistent pattern. I think this is just more evidence of corporate corruption condoned by the Bush Administration."

U.S. Congressman Jefferson Collects Bribe

Rep. William Jefferson (D-La.) was caught on videotape accepting $100,000 in $100 bills from an FBI informant whose conversations with the lawmaker also were recorded. The bribe money was found hidden in his freezer. The plan was for the lawmaker to use the cash to bribe a high-ranking Nigerian official.

Jefferson denied he intended to go through with anything illegal. "I knew I was being videotaped," said Jefferson. "I thought I was in a movie where I play the part of a corrupt politician. The money was my fee for the role. Congressmen have it tough. Our salaries are low. We need to supplement our income from outside sources." (Senators and Representatives receive salaries of $162,100 per year.)

On the tape, Jefferson chuckles about writing in code to keep secret what the government contends was his corrupt role. As Jefferson and the informant passed notes about what percentage the lawmaker might receive, the congressman laughed and said, "All these damn notes we're writing to each other as if the FBI is watching." Later, Jefferson is shown putting the cash into his Lincoln Town Car.

One of Jefferson's associates has pleaded guilty to bribery-related charges. Vernon Jackson of Louisville, Ky., admitted paying more than $400,000 in bribes to the lawmaker in exchange for his help securing business deals for Jackson's telecommunications company.

U.S. Democrat and Republican leaders expressed outrage over a weekend FBI raid on the office of a U.S. House of Representatives member from Louisiana. "Our offices ought to be inviolable," said one senator who asked to remain anonymous. "Immunity from law enforcement is essential if we are to carry out important governmental type activities."

Bribery may not be the only "governmental type" activity taking place in the sacred halls of congress. Rumors of fornication and unauthorized disclosure of confidential information have also been making the rounds.

Woman May Go to Prison on Recycle Charges

A 30-year-old mother of three has appeared before magistrates in Devon, United Kingdom accused of failing to recycle household waste properly. Donna Challice is being prosecuted for contaminating recyclable rubbish under the Environmental Protection Act. She was released on bail and will next appear
on 5 June for a pre-trial review.

The offenses of putting items into the wrong recycling bins are alleged to have taken place on six occasions over the last year. Under the Environmental Protection Act, local authorities have enacted complicated rules and schedules specifying which types of recyclable items must be placed in which containers on which days. The recycled items also must be thoroughly cleaned before being discarded.

Arthur Dimson, director of Waste Disposal for the Exeter City Council, dismissed Challice's claim that the rules are confusing and that any offense was inadvertent. "It's quite simple, really," said Dimson. "On the second and fourth Monday of each month, plastics go in the red bins and aluminum in the blue bins. On the first and third Tuesdays of each month--providing there has already been a first Monday, paper goes into the red containers and other, non-aluminum metals go into the blue containers. If there hasn't
been a first Monday, the schedule is pushed back a week. On alternating Wednesdays, glass goes into the red cans and miscellaneous recyclable refuse goes into the blue cans. On Thursdays, non-recyclable refuse may be put into either the red or blue receptacles. All discards must be washed except clothing--which may be either washed or dry-cleaned depending upon the
fabric--and paper. Paper with colored printing should only be placed in the red cans on the first Tuesday of each month. Paper with only black ink may be placed in the red containers on any other qualifying Tuesday. On weekends the bins are to remain empty for cleaning. These rules are all posted on the bottom of each recycling bin. So it's not as if people have to memorize them."

Challice says she finds the rules confusing and has trouble remembering which week is which.

Dimson characterized failure to follow these simple rules evidence of malice or criminal indifference toward the environment. "Mrs. Challice could wait until the weekend and look in the bottom of the empty bin to refresh her memory on the rules," said Dimson.

Challice faces a possible prison term and court costs if found guilty. As she is a single-parent, her five children will be put in foster homes if she has to go to prison. Other city governments are watching the matter closely, as the outcome of this case will set a precedent and may encourage similar prosecutions elsewhere.

Reid Proposes Making "Grunts and Gestures" Official U.S. Language

Saying he was appalled by racist efforts to name English the official U.S. language, Senator Harry Reid (D-Nev.) is proposing that "grunts and gestures" be named the official language. "Making English the official language discriminates against minorities," Reid said. "Rather than lock the country into a racist policy I am proposing that grunts and gestures be named the official language-so to speak."

Reid boasted that his approach excludes no one. "Virtually everyone can grunt," said Reid. "No matter what your native tongue, you can utter sounds that accompanied by gestures could convey simple messages."

Not everyone is enamored with Reid's plan. Bertram Petty of the American Civil Liberties Union pointed out that "The mute and amputees will still be at a disadvantage. To comply with our interpretation of the Constitution, the government would have to provide grunters for the mute and gesturers for amputees, at taxpayer expense, for this to be allowable."

The National Education Association came out in favor of Reid's proposal saying it would lighten the work load for public school teachers, especially if it includes pictures being substituted for words in written communications.


John Semmens got his start writing about politics for his college newspaper. Since then, he has written more than 500 articles that have been published. In addition to "Semi-News," John writes a recurring column for the East Valley Tribune.

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