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JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News
Homeland Security Department Proposes Immigration Solution June 1, 2006 “We can’t stop illegal entry, so we might as well try to turn a profit,” said Emilio Gonzalez, director of the department's Citizenship and Immigration Services. The admission packages include a variety of rides in boxcars, vehicle trunks and semi-trailers. Homeland Security staff dressed as “Uncle Sam,” “George Washington” and INS officers will be available for photo ops. Cheesy, over-priced merchandise will be sold on every street corner. The plan still has to be approved by congress where it may face tough opposition from Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Mass.). “I like everything about this plan except the part about turning a profit,” said Kennedy. “If it can be amended to include a tax increase so admission can be free, I’m all for it.” Hillary Gets Emotional Endorsement from Bill and Others Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-N.Y.) is getting her bid for a second term under way with an emotional 18-minute video that features praise from her husband and a bevy of his interns. "I didn't vote for Hillary last time,” said a tearful former U.S. President Bill Clinton. “I was too busy with other affairs. But Hillary stood by me when I was attacked by the vast right wing conspiracy. I owe it to my soul-mate to try to show up for this next election whenever it is.” “She’s like kind of old and not that attractive, but Bill says she’s an (expletive deleted) genius about politics,” said Tiffany Orelmeister, who described herself as head of Clinton’s senior staff support team. “Bill says he is behind her 100 percent,” said Belinda Stronach, who says she is a member of the Canadian Parliament. “He is such a great man. If he is behind her, that’s where everyone else should be.” The video is rated R for inane language and partial nudity. In related news, Sen. Clinton described how she had befriended the maid who cleans her hotel room. "At first, I felt enraged when I discovered that the pillow mint was white chocolate--I hate white chocolate," said Clinton. "Chocolate needs to be richly brown, like my African-American friends. But the maid cringed so obsequiously that I just fell in love with her. Now we are best fiends." According to the West New York Media Network, Clinton was unable to disclose the woman's name. "The idea of asking her name never occurred to me," said Clinton. The junior senator defended her lack of knowledge by pointing out that she does not know the names of most of her other best friends either. "There is so little time in my busy schedule," said Clinton. "Why waste it learning trivia that I'll only forget later." Morales Expresses Admiration for Castro President of Bolivia Evo Morales expressed his respect and admiration for Cuban President Fidel Castro. In his speech Thursday at the opening ceremony of Operation Miracle’s fifth ophthalmologic facility in Sucre, Morales said Castro has brought simplicity to the lives of the Cuban people. “Fidel has led the Cuban people away from the curse of economic abundance,” said Morales. “They now live lives of simplicity free from the material temptations. The Church allows only a few to take a vow of poverty. Fidel has brought this blessing to all.” Morales defended Castro’s huge fortune as a “personal sacrifice” designed to save his people from the “corrupting influence of money.” “Just as Christ took on the sins of mankind, Fidel has made a personal sacrifice to spare his people the corrupting influence of money.” Morales says he hopes he will find the courage to follow Castro’s example for the benefit of all Bolivians. Rise in Muslim Girls’ Suicides Observed Bahar Sogut was 14 when she shot herself in the head with her father's gun. Her mother and grandmother, who live in a small mud-built house in a village outside Batman in Turkey's poor southeast, said it was her fate. Bahar Sogut was one 10 women and girls aged under 23 who have killed themselves this year in Batman, a city of 250,000 people. Rising suicides among Muslim women are being blamed on Western pressures on the government to clamp down on so-called "honor killings." "Acts of dishonor used to be handled by the men of the family," said Mustaf Kilmohr, relative of one of the suicides. "Because of government interference, we are now forced to hound these women until they kill themselves. This is degrading to the men of Islam. The old ways were better." Turkey has toughened sanctions against honor killings carried out against women seen to have tainted the family's name, for example being seen conversing with men other than family members, going out without covering their hair or being the subject of rumors. Men, previously treated leniently by judges who considered "honor" a mitigating factor in murder, now face life sentences under the new penal code. Now families have to put pressure on the woman in question to kill herself in order to spare a male relative from jail. Lawyer Says Border Patrol Unfairly Targeting Mexicans A civil rights lawyer demanded authorities investigate a roundup of hundreds of undocumented immigrants in what he called a desert dragnet based on racial profiling. In a letter to the Department of Homeland Security, attorney Luis Carrillo claimed U.S. Border Patrol agents only pulled over Mexicans in the five-day operation known as "Operation Desert Denial." More than 600 undocumented immigrants were detained from May 19 to May 24 along Interstate 40 near Barstow. “Where are the illegal Chinese, Polish and Italian immigrants?” Carrillo demanded to know. “The fact that all the illegal immigrants detained were from Mexico is evidence of racism. We should expect a mix of detainees in rough proportion to their share of the global population. There are a billion Chinese. Is the INS saying they couldn’t catch a single one of them entering America illegally?” Carrillo suggested that the INS be required to follow affirmative action guidelines to achieve a more balanced representation of racial and ethnic groups among future detainees. In related news, Senator Dick Durbin (D-Ill.) is urging the House of Representatives not to repudiate a provision in the immigration reform bill that would force the U.S. to consult with Mexico before building a border fence. "To think that we would build a fence without any conversation or consultation with Mexico -- that doesn't make sense," said Durbin. “I mean, it’s their border too. An ugly fence will depress real estate values and could damage the Mexican economy. Besides, building this fence will cost a lot of money. Mexico has a high unemployment rate. Maybe we can get some cheap migrant labor to build the fence.” Durbin insisted that any fence that might be built must include “doggy doors” so wildlife can freely migrate across the border. Jews “Keeping Me from World Cup,” says Ahmadinejad Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that his plans to attend the World Cup soccer tournament in Germany have been put on hold. The Iranian president had previously stated his intention to travel to Germany for the World Cup games that will take place there this summer. Iran is one of the 32 nations participating in the event. “It was my understanding that Germany had rid itself of Jews during the 1940s,” said Ahmadinejad. “Now, I hear that there were some survivors. If I go there is a chance that I will breathe air that has previously been inside a Jew. This is unacceptable. Unless Germany can assure me of pure air to breathe I will be forced to boycott the match.” Some German officials have been pressing to prevent Ahmadinejad's visit. “Soccer matches have potential for violence under normal circumstances,” said an editorial in Der Spiegel. “We don’t need another lunatic in the grandstands.” Reid Admits he Goofed Taking Gifts from Lobbyists Reversing course, Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid admitted he misstated the ethics rules governing his acceptance of free boxing tickets and has decided to avoid taking such gifts in the future. The Nevada senator still says he thinks it was "entirely permissible" for him to accept ringside seats for three professional boxing matches in 2004 and 2005 from the Nevada Athletic Commission in exchange for his vote on pending legislation. "As I see it, my vote is only one out of a hundred—that’s nominal value, just like the fight tickets,” said Reid. “But people are making such a fuss, I’ve decided not to accept any gratuities that are so conspicuous in the future. From now on, anyone who wants to buy my vote will need to be more discreet.” Reid accepted the $1,400 seats from the Nevada commission as it was trying to influence his support for legislation to create a federal boxing commission. The state agency feared the legislation would usurp its authority to regulate fights and wanted to convince Reid there was no need for a federal body. Iran Thanks Russia, China for Opposing Sanctions Iran’s Foreign Ministry spokesman today thanked Russia and China for their opposition to the U.S. drive to impose U.N. sanctions on Iran for its nuclear program. “I have to commend Russia and China for their position. Russia and China have shown an independent policy,” Hamid Reka Achole said in Tehran. "As a reward, we are moving them down on this list of infidels to be annihilated." Russia and China have opposed calls by the United States, Britain and France for a resolution that would threaten sanctions against Iran if its does not stop enriching uranium, a process that produces fuel for nuclear reactors or material for atomic bombs. Achole vowed his government would slay those who stand in Iran's path to peaceful nuclear power. “We won’t give up our rights,” he told reporters. "Any who oppose us will be slain with the fire of almighty Allah." Achole said, "I am hoping Russia and China also have some surplus long-range missiles available for sale. The ones we have now can fly no further than Europe and Asia. It would be a shame if this limitation restricts the range of Allah's wrath." Hamas Policies Lauded by Left-Wing Wacko America’s most loony left-wing wacko, Noam Chomsky, says that Hamas' program of murder and mayhem is preferable to the policies promoted by the U.S. and Israel. "Hamas is more forthcoming and more dedicated to a final solution of the conflict than the United States or Israel," said Chomsky. "The U.S. and Israel are attempting to force a peaceful co-existence on the Muslims. This merely strings out the conflict. Hamas' plan to murder all the Jews would remove one side of the conflict and, thereby, end it." "Hamas' anti-Semitism
is closer to the international consensus than the U.S.'s idiosyncratic
support for Israel's right to exist," said Chomsky. "I have long held
that the United States is the leading terrorist state in the world. No
other act of terrorism can match the atrocities the U.S. has committed." John Semmens'
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Taking
a page from the Disney Corporation, the U.S. Homeland Security
Department is proposing to rename the country “Americaland” and charge
hefty admission fees. Individual admission fees would be in the $300
range for a three-week pass. Family admission packages would start at
$1,000.