JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News

Democrats Announce their 'Contract with America'

June 15, 2006

Remembering how Newt Gingrich's 1994 "Contract with America" helped Republicans end 40 years of Democrat domination in the House of Representatives, leading Democrats have announced their own version. Called
"Six in '06," the Democrats' contract has six planks:

(1) A congressional pay increase, also known as the "William Jefferson plank." "Representative Jefferson was forced to take on a role of a corrupt politician in what he thought was an independent film, but turned out to be
an FBI sting operation," said House Minority Leader, Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.). "If members of congress were paid a decent salary, this type of tragedy could have been averted." (Senators and Representatives currently
receive salaries of $162,100 per year.)

(2) Nationalizing health care. "Our medical care is a mess," said Senator Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y). "America's health is too important to be left up to the medical profession. It's time for the government to take control to ensure a more rational and equitable distribution of benefits."

(3) Impeaching President Bush. "Republicans impeached President Clinton for diddling an intern," said Rep. John Conyers (D-Mich.). "It'll be payback time once we get the majority."

(4) Increasing taxes. "Republicans want voters to believe that lower taxes encourage investment and hard work," said Senator Minority Leader, Harry Reid (D-Nev.). "We say IRS audits and the threat of going to jail is all the encouragement required to make people work hard. Congress will do the investing once we restore the revenues given away by the Bush tax cuts."

(5) End the war on terror. "No matter how brave our soldiers are, no matter how valiant, no matter what their caring," said Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass.). "Our soldiers cannot bring democracy to Iraq at the barrel of a gun. Some on the right use the fact that U.S. troops were able to defeat tyranny in World War II and bring democracy to Germany and Japan to try to support President Bush's ambitions for Iraq. But those were different times. We had a Democratic president, bipartisan support for the war effort, a cooperative media, and grateful foreign allies. Due to an unfortunate decision by too many voters in 2004, none of these key factors are present in the current crisis. Until that decision is reversed there is no hope. So, let's bring the troops home and end the bloodshed."

(6) "Wild card." "We really wanted to have six key issues-you know, six for 2006-but we couldn't agree on what the last item would be," said Howard Dean, Chairman of the Democratic National Committee. "Some wanted recognition of gay marriage, others suggested a law guaranteeing every woman's right to an abortion. So, we're keeping one slot open. Voters can fill-in the blank with whatever they want. On the other hand, there is this 'feces for fascists' idea coming out of Colorado that represents the kind of fresh
ideas our party needs. Eventually, maybe we'll get some focus groups together to figure out where our Party stands on some issue or other."

It's expected that Democratic candidates would stage some kind of televised signing ceremony as Newt Gingrich and the Republicans did in 1994. House Democrats are expected to pledge to enact all six items within six months of taking back the majority in congress.

Dem Delivers Dog Feces

U.S. Rep. Marilyn Musgrave (R-Colo.) got an unpleasant surprise when a Democratic activist left an envelope full of dog feces at Musgrave's Greeley office. The nine-digit ZIP code enabled investigators to trace it to Kathleen Ensz, a Weld County Democratic volunteer.

Ensz admitted she left the envelope at Musgrave's office but said it "wasn't intended disrespectfully." Asked what she meant by the act, she said she was pilot-testing a prospective post-election program she called "feces for
fascists" that she hoped her party would implement if it takes back control of congress. "Republicans have let this country go to the dogs," said Ensz. "It's time they reap the consequences of their policies."

Ensz says that her "pilot-test" was a necessary step in her efforts to probe the feasibility and cost of a more widespread implementation of the program.

Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean said he has not reviewed the proposed program in any great depth, but described himself as "viscerally moved by Ms. Ensz's vision and courage."

Clinton, Pederson Blast GOP

Former president Bill Clinton keynoted a Phoenix Democratic fundraiser, blaming the Republican Party for America's obesity crisis. "The combination of tax cuts and economic growth has fattened wallets and fostered a climate
of self-indulgence," said Clinton. "People can't handle prosperity."

Clinton headlined a fundraiser for Democratic U.S. Senate candidate Jim Pederson at the posh Arizona Biltmore Resort. "We need to elect Democrats like Jim Pederson so we can turn this country around," said Clinton. "Jim will help us cut the fat out of household budgets by supporting tax
increases that will rescue our fellow Americans from the temptations of wealth."

The $1,000 a plate dinner was attended by 500 persons and raised approximately $500,000 for Pederson, who is challenging incumbent U.S. Sen. Jon Kyl in November.

Pederson, a multimillionaire shopping center developer, who has, heretofore, profited from America's self-indulgent culture, says he wants to help save others from a similar fate. "Others should not have to suffer the lavish lifestyle that it has been my misfortune to experience," said Pederson. "The
mansions, fancy cars, world travel-all wear you down and divert you from the simple life. If elected I will work with my fellow Democrats to enact policies that will prevent people from falling into this trap."

In related news, former President Clinton said that Republican refusal to carry on his policies will lead to more severe storms. "If you want to prevent disasters like Katrina you must perform the rituals that appease the gods," Clinton said at a fundraiser for the Florida Democratic Party. "What
Republicans tried to portray as faithless philandering was part of my program for appeasing Teshuba, the weather god. Climate is a serious problem. It's going to get worse if we don't return to what worked during my administration."

Mayors Party in Las Vegas

More than 200 mayors converged on Las Vegas for four days of policy discussion amidst a backdrop of taxpayer and corporate funded partying. The City of Las Vegas is spending $1.8 million entertaining the public officials, $1.3 million of that comes from corporate donations. The rest is
from Las Vegas taxpayers.

Former mob-lawyer, Mayor Oscar Goodman, defended the bash as essential to his ego trip. "I want everyone going home and saying Las Vegas is the greatest place in the world and saying Oscar Goodman is the coolest person
who ever lived," Goodman said.

Aside from discussions on legal ways to reward friends using tax dollars and a debate on untrackable cash vs. unpriced perks, the agenda included a round of golf, poker lessons from a professional, a blowout ball with performances
from top Las Vegas talent, a free, private performance of Cirque du Soleil, and a pool-side luau at the city's hottest new casino, Red Rock Station.

"I especially enjoyed the 24/7 open bar," said a midwest mayor who asked to remain anonymous.

U.S. Conference of Mayors President Beverly O'Neill, mayor of Long Beach, Calif., said she's comfortable with the corporate presence at the meeting. "There's only so much we can squeeze out of the taxpayers," said O'Neill. "We can put the basics of travel, food and lodging on the taxpayers tab, but the posh goodies can only be had from corporate sponsors."

O'Neill dismissed the idea that mayors would be corrupted by the event. "Unless these corporations got an agreement beforehand they are SOL in my book," said O'Neill, who says she considers herself a tough negotiator. "I'm a taker, not a giver as anyone who has had to deal with me knows."

Several mayors pointed out that members of congress enjoy an estimated $10 million per year in corporate perks. "Congressmen get these kind of benefits all the time," said Guy Holcomb, mayor of Jackson Hole, Wyoming. "Why
shouldn't we get a piece of the pie?"

Al-Qaeda Opens New School

Since the demise of Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi, al-Qaeda in Iraq is making plans to rebuild its organization by opening the "Jihadi School of Jihad" and have recently posted course offerings.

The standard fare is there-"Introduction to Suicide Bombing," "Cut from Left to Right: A Lesson for Beheadings," "Using the Burqa to Conceal Weapons,"
and "Ambushes or IEDs: A Seminar in Tactics." But there are also some lighter offerings-"Dealing with Loneliness when Men Are Your Only Companions," "Loving and Caring for Your Goat," "Living in Filth," "How to Tell by Feel If It's a Virgin or a Camel" and "Modern Dance."

The brochure for the school says there will be athletics (the school teams' nickname is the "Assassins"), clubs (including "Future Mothers of Martyrs" and "Spirit"), politics (both "Young Anti-Zionists" and "Young Anti-Semites" will be represented to ensure a modicum of balance in viewpoints), and social activities (including temporary marriages and public floggings).

The school is financed by a grant from the United Nations, so tuition is free. Students will be housed in a variety of locations known as "safe houses" or sometimes caves, depending on what's available. Learning how to
steal food from local merchants is part of the curriculum. Student fees for materials will be waived for anyone who can prove he has killed a Jew.

In related news, a CBS poll produced results indicating that Zarqawi's death will change little in the war on terror. In response to the question: "Was the killing of Iraqi militant Abu Musab al-Zarqawi by the U.S. Air Force just a meaningless blip in an endless quagmire or another example of American brutality?" 22 percent said "meaningless blip, 31 percent said "example of brutality" and 47 percent said "yes."

Carter Warns Against Upsetting Iran

Former president, Jimmy Carter, has said that the United States should begin talks with Iran without preconditions. "We can't afford to upset them if we're to have any hope of gaining the release of the hostages," said Carter.

Carter says he believes that the Bush administration's offer to sit down and talk on conditions that Iran gives up its uranium enrichment program may not be enough. "Also people should turn down their thermostats and wear sweaters," Carter said. "If we all pule together we can lick the malaise that is sweeping the nation."

In related news, it was revealed that The Carter Center has received more than $1 million from Bakr M. Bin Laden on behalf of the Saudi Bin Laden Group. While the source of this funding has been questioned by some, former president Jimmy Carter defended it as a humanitarian effort. Carter says he hopes his "Habitat for Humanity" crew can use this money to build proper housing for bin Laden and his beleaguered companions. "Just because bin Laden's plotted terrorist attacks on unarmed civilians doesn't mean he
should have to live in a cave," said Carter. "Maybe if he were shown some love and compassion he wouldn't be so angry all the time."

In related news, Ali Larijani, Iran's top nuclear negotiator, has urged Muslim countries to pursue "peaceful" nuclear development and long-range delivery systems that can bridge the thousands of miles between our countries and the "infidel pigs who threaten us."

Court Orders Iowa prison to Close Bible Program

A judge has ruled that a Bible-based prison program violates the First Amendment's freedom of religion clause by using state funds to promote Christianity to inmates. Prison Fellowship Ministries was ordered to cease its program at the Newton Correctional Facility.

"These programs are severely hampering our ability to carry on our traditional way of life," said Butch Kramden, executive director of the Washington-based Amalgamated Crime Workers of America, which filed the suit. "Prisons are the 'grad schools' that help prepare people for a life of
crime. We need hardened ex-cons to staff the many positions in our profession. These Bible studies are interfering with this process."

Kramden said "Prison Fellowship Ministries of giving inmates the idea that crime is not a proper career. This wastes both the natural talent and the years of experience accumulated by inmates prior to their incarceration. How
are we going to maintain the accustomed levels of violence and property theft if the supply of trained, senior criminals is depleted?"

U.S. District Judge Robert Pratt said the religious nature of the Bible-based program violates the Constitution's "wall of separation" clause and therefore, "constituted unfair interference with the commerce of crime."

The judge ordered Prison Fellowship Ministries to spend $1.5 million funding criminal rehabilitation training at the prison. "We need to try to restore the prison conditions to their natural state," said Pratt.

Washington D.C. to Give Homeless Voice-Mail

A new program called "Community Voice Mail" will make 350 voice-mail boxes available to the homeless. The idea is to help the homeless person find a job. Each person enrolled in the program will receive a private D.C. phone number connected to a voice-mail box. The number can be used only to check messages.

The city may not have an easy time convincing the desired clients to avail themselves of the service.

A homeless man who hangs out near the Smithsonian says he doesn't need the service. "I already have voice mail right here," said the man who calls himself "The Avenger," pointing to his head. "When I get the WORD I will put
His plan into action."

A woman known on the streets as "Betty Poop," criticized the service as inadequate. "I want one of those phones that plays music," said Ms. Poop. "I also want an unlisted number. I don't want just anybody calling me. I need
my privacy."

Members of congress expressed mixed feelings about the plan.

"Giving these people a phone number is a great idea," said Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.). "We can call them and remind them to vote. But I'm uncomfortable with the idea that these people may be pressured to find jobs. This is like saying their lifestyle is wrong. I think this may be going too far."

Senator John McCain (R-Ariz.) says he isn't sure what he thinks yet. "I'll need to confer with my good friend, Senator Kennedy (D-Mass), before I can be sure of what I think about this issue," said McCain. "Will undocumented
immigrants be eligible? Will these phone lines be used for unauthorized political speech? There are a lot of uncertainties right now."

Thus far, almost all the requests for the service have come from drug dealers

Saudis Allege Torture Caused Guantanamo Deaths

The reported suicides of two Saudi detainees at the Guantanamo Bay prison for enemy combatants prompted anger in Saudi Arabia.

"A crime was committed here and the U.S. authorities are responsible," said Khatrwahl al Shistr, a lawyer who represents relatives of Saudis held at Guantanamo. Echoing the general sentiment heard in the Saudi capital, Riyadh, al-Shistr complained that "These men have been denied an honorable martyr's death. Their dreams of flying an airplane into a building or blowing themselves up in a bus or school have been thwarted by this cruel incarceration. Shut off from their aspirations, these men were driven to ignominiously hang themselves."

Al-Shistr says he plans to sue the U.S. government for compensation on behalf of the relatives of the deceased. "The anguish of the families of these men is incalculable. Instead of frolicking with virgins in paradise, who knows where the souls of these victims of America's satanic war against Islam now reside?"

Though he called the families' anguish "incalculable," al-Shistr says he will endeavor to estimate a fair monetary compensation package. "Saddam Hussein used to pay the families of martyrs $25,000," said al-Shistr. "But
that was for a circumstance where the deceased loved one had gone to paradise. I'm thinking a figure at least one thousand times larger would be warranted in these cases."

Immigrants Have Moral Right to Enter U.S, Says Annan

UN Secretary General Kofi Annan implicitly weighed into a raging political debate in the United States over illegal immigration, insisting that "Migrants have a moral right to leave the misery, impoverishment and oppression that is all-too-common among our member states."

In an article published in The Wall Street Journal, Annan showcased what he saw as general benefits of worker migration, arguing that "Migrants want to survive--something that is hard to do in the corrupt kleptocracies that rule
most third world nations. Migrants from poor countries are just trying to grab a piece of the wealth being hoarded by rich Americans."

"Yes, migration can have its downside," the UN secretary general wrote, "Americans burdened by immigrants directly may feel less inclined to give foreign aid to third world countries. Leaders of these countries will face less security once they go into exile if they can't amass the multiple
millions necessary to support their accustomed lifestyles."

Gaddafi Slams Nigeria for Handing over Taylor

Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi assailed Nigeria for handing over former Liberian President Charles Taylor for trial, saying the move set an unacceptable precedent that threatened all African leaders. Nigeria deported Taylor on March 29 to Liberia, which promptly sent him on to Sierra Leone where he awaits trial on 11 counts of war crimes and crimes against humanity for backing rebels during Sierra Leone's 1991-2001 civil war.

"This also means that every head of state could meet a similar fate -- this sets a serious precedent," Gaddafi said. "Heads of state must be free to rule as they see fit without having to worry about repercussions later. We cannot objectively make laws if we are to be subject to them ourselves. That would be a conflict of interest."

"Taylor must be allowed to stay in Nigeria and enjoy the pension he stashed away while he ruled Liberia," the Libyan leader said. "I might not agree with every act of oppression Taylor committed, but a principle should be applied. Once a former head of state goes into exile he should be considered
'home-free' and the books on his crimes must be closed."

Libya supplied Taylor and his forces with arms during the 1980s after he escaped from a jail in the United States. Taylor led an uprising in Liberia in 1989 that killed a quarter of a million people.

Afghans Demand Amputation for U.S. Soldier

Afghan lawmakers passed a nonbinding resolution calling for the amputation of the right foot of an American soldier driving a military truck that crashed in the Afghan capital on May 29. The crash triggered the worst than normal street riots.

"Sharia law requires that the offending limb be struck off," said Arzou Khatole, member of the Afghan parliament. "The right foot operates the vehicle's brake. It is guilty of this crime. It must be punished."

Khathole said he supports the U.S. troops in Afghanistan. "We are all for the Americans protecting us from our enemies, but they must respect our Islamic laws," said Khathole. "Otherwise we open the path to corruption and
anarchy."

Afghanistan's parliament has called on the government to prosecute the soldier, even though the U.S. military has said it believes the May 29 crash was an accident caused by brake failure.

Murtha Denounces Bush Visit to Iraq

Rep. John Murtha (D-Penn.) denounced President Bush's surprise visit to Iraq as an "unjustified invasion of the sovereign nation of Iraq." "After all the atrocities committed by U.S. troops in Iraq, I find it offensive that Mr. Bush would make an unannounced visit to gloat over the untimely death of Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi," said Murtha. "It was hardly a fair fight. Mr. Zarqawi was killed from a distance, by an aircraft while he was conferring with his spiritual advisor. This is but another low blow in a war marked by a
seemingly unending series of low blows."

While the president's visit seemed to boost the morale of the troops, Murtha said this is sending exactly the wrong message. "Our troops should be ashamed of the heinous acts they daily commit against the Iraqi insurgents and innocent bystanders," said Murtha. "The president's presence will be seen as condoning their despicable behavior. As I've said so many times before, we've got to get the troops out of there before they further besmirch our country's good name."

"I'm impressed that the C-in-C would come all this way to the war zone," said Private Randy Parts, a 3rd Battalion, 8th Marine, rifleman. "I think it shows he cares a lot about what's going on here in Iraq. After having to hear those accusations from that John Murder guy, it's good to see the
president still believes in us."

Philadelphia Agency Rules that Shop Owners Must Be Multilingual

An English-only ordering policy at Geno's Steaks was struck down by the Philadelphia Commission on Human Rights. Rachel Lawless, executive director of the Commission said Geno's owner, Joseph Vento, could be fined thousands
of dollars if he doesn't sign up for foreign language lessons within a reasonable amount of time.

"Look, many immigrants don't know English," said Lawless. "They've got a tough enough time dodging the INS. They should be allowed to order their meals in their own language. It is the business owner's responsibility to meet their needs. After all, they are the customers."

For now, Vento is being required to learn Spanish, but Lawless left the door open for other language requirements. "Mr. Vento has a business license from the city," said Lawless. "He must meet our standards. If we get complaints
from customers speaking other languages, Mr. Vento will have to learn those, as well."

Vento, whose grandparents were immigrants, vowed to fight the city on this. "It's a sad day when a man's livelihood can be threatened by bureaucrats who care more about illegal immigrants than they do about American citizens," said Vento.


John Semmens got his start writing about politics for his college newspaper. Since then, he has written more than 500 articles that have been published. In addition to "Semi-News," John writes a recurring column for the East Valley Tribune.

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