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JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News

Dems Debunk WMD Find

June 22, 2006

U.S. forces in Iraq discovered 500 canisters of chemical weapons that had been hidden by Saddam Hussein's government prior to the U.S. invasion. While the find seemingly validates pre-war fears that Iraq did, in fact possess weapons outlawed by the agreement following the 1991 war, Howard Dean,
chairman of the Democratic National Committee debunked the find.

"Our position has been that President Bush lied to get us into war with Iraq," said Dean. "No assertion or revelation by anyone or any source is going to change that position."

"Besides, these were old weapons that had passed their expiration date," said Dean. "OSHA and EPA regulations clearly prohibit the use of materials that have passed their expiration date. It would have been totally illegal for Hussein's troops to have used these weapons. They would have faced stiff fines and possibly jail time if they had. So, given these rules, these weapons posed no threat to anyone."

Senator Rick Santorum (R-Penn.) says he is baffled by Dean's reasoning. "Hussein was beyond the reach of OSHA and EPA regulations," said Santorum. "Threats of fines and jail that may work on corporate managers could hardly be expected to influence a brutal criminal like Hussein. While I'm sure that fresh chemical weapons would be more potent, I don't think we could reasonably conclude that older weapons would be harmless. The Democrats' 'position' seems more like mindless dogma to me."

Europeans See U.S. troops in Iraq as Bigger Threat than Iran

A poll by the Pew Research Centre for the People & the Press found that a majority of people in Britain, France, Germany, Spain and Russia rated the presence of troops in Iraq a greater threat to peace than the government in
Iran.

Pierre Gaspard, a survey respondent from France said U.S. imperialism has ravaged the globe for generations. "During my father's time U.S. troops invaded France while American pilots bombed our cities," said Gaspard. "They rampaged through my country. Iran has never harmed France. So, it's an easy choice for me."

Heine Scheiss, a survey respondent from Germany echoed Gaspard's comments. "Before I was born, Americans obliterated my hometown," said Scheiss, of Dresden. "Iran has never bombed or invaded my country. From my view, America is the greater threat."

"In 1944, a Yank married my sweetheart," said John Lisper, a survey participant from the U.K. "That did more to wreck my life than anything the Iranians ever did or ever could do. It's no contest. Americans are the bigger threat."

These survey results were discounted by the Bush Administration. "Of course U.S. troops invaded France and bombed Germany," said Press Secretary Tony Snow. "We were liberating Europe from the Nazis. I suppose Hitler offered the 'peace' of oppression that many spineless cowards might have been willing to accept. But we went ahead and ruined it for them. I pity the dunderheads who think they have more to fear from America than the Muslim
fanatics loose in the world."

Kerry Irked by Vote on His Resolution

Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass.) expressed anger at Republicans for scheduling and conducting a quick vote on his resolution (S. 2766) to pull U.S. troops out of Iraq by the end of the year. Senate Republicans brought up Kerry's withdrawal measure and it was defeated on a 93-6 vote. Thirty-eight of 44 Democrats voted against Kerry's resolution.

"This ruins everything," said Kerry. "My plan was to use the resolution as a fund raising mechanism--to give people the idea that their donations to me were for a vital purpose. I never intended there to be an actual vote with a definitive outcome. Now how am I going to get money out of these people?"

Kerry said the "Republicans in the Senate are using their majority to unfairly decide issues when a more nuanced approach is what is warranted. Hasty disposition of controversies removes them as focal points for fund-raising efforts. My anti-war supporters aren't dumb enough to fork over cash after my resolutions are defeated."

Kerry insists that a troop pull out and deterioration of the Iraq situation into civil war is the best way to restore the same sense of humility to American policy that was achieved in the dénouement of the Viet Nam War. "I shudder to think what the world would be like if American arms were to succeed in imposing democracy in Iraq," said Kerry. "The belief in democracy is a minority view in world politics. Who are we to insist that it is superior to the majority view?"

In related news, Rep. John Murtha (D-Penn) suggested that our troops now in Iraq be redeployed to Okinawa. "We can take Okinawa," said Murtha. "We did it in 1945. We should build on this earlier success and do it again. Add, since the Japanese are currently at peace with us, we'd have the element of surprise totally in our favor. From there we'd be in great position to fly bombers to hit Japan itself."

ACLU Sues Pentagon over Monitoring

The American Civil Liberties Union sued the U.S. Defense Department to demand information it says the government has collected on groups opposing the U.S. in Iraq. The ACLU says the Pentagon has been monitoring groups like al-Qaeda and individuals like Abu Musab al-Zarqawi (who also was ambushed and killed by American warplanes). The ACLU says these groups and individuals are just exercising their human rights. The suit was the ACLU's first attempt to force the Pentagon to disclose surveillance of suspected enemies and followed similar suits by the organization against the FBI and the Justice Department.

"It's absolutely improper for the U.S. military to pry into these people's lives," said ACLU attorney Bertram Petty. "Just because these groups and individuals oppose U.S. war policy is insufficient reason to spy on them. Until they have committed an overt act that can be proven in a court of law they have every right to their privacy."

The ACLU said the Defense Department compounded its offense by sharing the information with other government agencies through the database, known as the Threat and Local Observation Notice, or Talon. The ACLU is demanding that all intelligence gathering activities besuspended until the case is resolved in court.

Scandal Woes Likely to Benefit William Jefferson

Losing his seat on the influential Ways and Means Committee and being investigated in a federal bribery probe could actually benefit U.S. Rep. William Jefferson (D-La.) in his bid for reelection, said Ken Moore, professor of political science at the University of Louisiana. "Being seen as a taker of bribes will probably help him with the typical Louisiana Democratic voter. Yielding to temptation makes him more human. Working the system to extract extra benefits makes him crafty. These are traits admired by the chiselers and parasites that comprise the voting base in this state."

According to Moore, the eight-term congressman is going to say: "I took these turkeys for plenty. I can do the same for the citizens of Louisiana. This is essential to relieving our people of the effort and expense of the Katrina cleanup."

"In Louisiana, corruption or bribery or incompetence has never been a bar to holding office -- or returning to office," Moore noted. In support of his contention, Moore pointed to the reelection of Ray Nagin as mayor of New Orleans. "Here we had a clueless boob responsible for untold suffering due to his incompetent handling of the Katrina disaster getting reelected by playing the 'race card.' The road map for Jefferson's reelection campaign has been clearly laid out for him."

Muslims Outraged by Showing of Israeli Flag at World Cup Games

Muslim soccer fans were apoplectic when a player for the Ghana team waved an Israeli flag in celebration of scoring a goal in the team's match against the Czech Republic. The player, John Pantsil, said he did it as a show of appreciation for his teammates on club Hapoel Tel Aviv-a team he plays for in the Israeli league.

Pantsil was denounced as "ignorant and stupid" by Alaa Sadek who writes for the daily Al-Akhbar. "Egyptian football fans were insulted when the player produced the Israeli flag. We were totally supporting our Muslim brothers from Ghana against the white devils from Europe. Then this!"

Despite profuse apologies from the Ghanian team, many Muslims are demanding Pantsil be assassinated. Moderates have suggested that amputation of the offending hands would be sufficient punishment. "Since the game is played with the feet and head, Pantsil could continue his career, yet still serve as a lesson to others," said Muktar Bufaar, spokesman for the Muslim Sports Federation.

Congressional Democrats Flush with Cash

Senate and House Democrats have more money in the bank for the midterm contests than their Republican counterparts. Some four months before the voting, the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee has $33.5 million cash on hand compared to $18.3 million for the National Republican Senatorial Committee.

"Our fundraising success reflects a recognition by the moneyed interests that the best way to get favors from the government is by electing more Democrats," said Sen. Chuck Schumer, (D-N.Y.), chairman of the Democratic Senatorial Committee. "They know their funds are well-invested when Democrats win. We can be trusted to 'bring home the bacon.'"

Schumer cited the substantial expansion of government under Democratic control in the almost unbroken period of Democratic dominance from 1933 to 1994. "We're the ones who can be counted on to spend tax dollars in ways that will reward those who support our party," said Schumer. "We built a 60-year record doing just that."

North Korea's Kim Considered Dark-Horse Candidate for 2008 Demo Presidential Nomination

General Secretary of the North Korean Communist Party, Kim Jong Il's heroic efforts to bring epochal changes to his country have caught the eye of influential leaders on the Left.

"Kim has given clear-cut answers to all the theoretical and practical problems that could ever confront a nation," said George Soros, a major financier of Democratic candidates. "He has brought unity and cohesion to his country. He took revolutionary measures for strengthening the Party organizationally and ideologically. He has authored many famous works to brightly light the lives of humanity."

Soros says he will work with his allies in the Democratic Party to remove any Constitutional or legal barriers to Kim serving as the next president of the United States. "It would be criminal to restrict his impact by confining his rule to one small country," said Soros. "The powerful position of U.S. president deserves to be in the hands of a man of vision like Kim instead of a dolt like Bush."

South Africa a Hot Bed of Violent Crime

Crime victims staged an angry protest in South Africa after a government minister suggested those who don't like the country's high rates of murder and rape should emigrate. Currently, South Africa averages 51 murders and 151 rapes per day.

Safety and security minister, Charles Nqakula, described the high crime rate as "part of the national ambience" and told parliament that those who complained about crime were unpatriotic moaners. "These white wimps can continue to whine until they're blue in the face, be as negative as they want to, or they can simply leave this country," said Nqakula. "This is an African country and we will live by African rules. We don't need whites insisting that their standards for civilized behavior be imposed on our culture. The days of white rule are over."

Right now, South Africa's murder rate places it third in international rankings--behind Colombia and Swaziland. Nqakula believes that his country can "move up in the rankings if sufficient effort is put forth." Nqakula has proposed a government initiative to cultivate coca or poppy crops as a means for "getting to the top ranking."

John Semmens got his start writing about politics for his college newspaper. Since then, he has written more than 500 articles that have been published. In addition to "Semi-News," John writes a recurring column for the East Valley Tribune.

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