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JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News

N.Y. Times Justifies its Disclosure of Top Secret Program

July 1, 2006

Despite a plea from the Bush Administration, the New York Times ran a story revealing that the U.S. government was tracking terrorists through their bank accounts. The classified information disclosed in the Times piece was obtained from unnamed sources alleged to be working for the CIA.

"The Bush Administration's claim that this disclosure would aid America's enemies is ludicrous," said an unsigned Times editorial. "The Bush Administration is America's most dangerous enemy. Anything we can do to thwart its evil designs is our patriotic duty. In this regard, strange as it might first seem, the so-called terrorists are actually our allies in this fight. It's the old 'the enemy of my enemy is my friend' concept. Get used to it."

The Bush Administration voiced its disappointment at the Times willingness to undermine anti-terrorist efforts. "Training, feeding, housing and arming terrorists requires money," said John W. Snow, U.S. Secretary of the Treasury. "Tracking this money through our banking system is one tool we've used to try to prevent attacks on Americans. The effectiveness of this tool has been undermined by the Times article. So, it looks like an elevated level of risk is something else we'll have to get used to, courtesy of the New York Times."

Since the Times story broke banks have reported an outflow of deposits from the accounts being monitored to other banks centered in Europe. Muslim banks are disfavored by terrorists because the Koran prohibits paying interest on deposits. An al-Qaeda training manual urges jihadis to "turn the infidels' sin of usury against them to multiply our resources for carrying out Allah's will."

Racism Charged Over New Orleans Housing

Poor blacks in New Orleans sued to stop the government from replacing public housing slums destroyed by Hurricane Katrina with mixed-income dwellings. The government plans to raze more than half of the damaged low-income housing units it oversees in the city and replace them with units the agency says will be better and safer.

"They got to put it back the way it was," said Chester Numrod, a drug dealer whose dilapidated public housing was destroyed by flood waters. "How am I supposed to run my business in a 'better and safer' neighborhood? My rights
are being violated."

"The government has an obligation to take care of these people and restore them to their prior state," said Judith Browne, co-director of the Advancement Project, a national civil rights organization that filed the suit. "Many feel uncomfortable with the idea of living mixed-in with law-abiding working people. It's a source of embarrassment for them."

The majority of New Orleans residents were either criminals or on welfare before the Aug. 29 storm, but a higher percentage of generally better-off families and individuals have returned. Mayor Nagin has expressed concern that this may change the character of the city.

Abortion Decline Said "Dismaying"

At 25,209, the total of abortions performed in Michigan last year was the lowest since detailed record-keeping began. The abortion rate -- abortions per 1,000 women -- also dropped last year, from 22.0 in 1987 to 11.9 for women ages 15-44.

Diane Killian, spokesperson for the Michigan chapter of Planned Parenthood said she found the trend "dismaying." "Restrictions have created a climate of fear and intimidation," said Killian. "Forcing a teenage girl to obtain parental consent is barbaric. Making doctors comply with 'informed consent' exposes these young women to gruesome details that may scar them for life. The resulting decline in the exercise of a woman's freedom can only be seen as, at best, dismaying."

Killian says she is not optimistic about reversing the trend. "The radical right has got this country by the short hairs," said Killian. "A day may come when there are no more legal abortions. It's frightening."

Saddam Hunger Strike Ends

After six straight agonizing hours without food, deposed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein has ended his hunger strike. The strike was launched to protest the use of a generic substitute for his customary Kellogg's Fruit Loops.

Curtis Debabbler, a human rights lawyer who has been retained to defend Saddam Hussein, labeled the shift to generic "Fruity Hoops" as "shabby and indecent." "This man was absolute ruler of a sovereign nation of over 20 million people," said Debabbler. "To try to foist this inferior substitute on him is another chapter in the book of American atrocities committed in Iraq."

Debabbler asserted that the indignity and unbearable hunger pangs forced Saddam to cut his strike short. "Saddam had wanted to hold out until dinner," said Debabbler. "But the aroma of the Sloppy Joes that were being served to the other prisoners in his cell block broke his spirit. It is tactics like these that illustrate why America is hated around the world."

Debabbler says he will be filing a writ to demand Saddam's release on the grounds that he has "already suffered enough." "Considering the round-the-clock confinement Saddam has suffered over the last two-and-one-half years, we think commuting his ultimate sentence to 'time-served' would be an equitable settlement of the charges against him," said Debabbler.

In related news, Saddam Hussein says he wants to be a celebrity judge on "American Idol" after his trial. "I think I'm at least as obnoxious as Simon Cowl and better looking than Paula Abdul," said Hussein. "I've been working on some phrases to use on the contestants. How do you like 'I've heard torture victims more melodic' or 'your voice reminds me of a flatulent camel'?" Hussein says he is confident that if he had been on the panel, Katherine McPhee never would've lost to Taylor Hicks.

Poll Shows Huge Percentage of Muslims Are Nuts

A poll conducted by the Pew Research Center for the People and the Press titled "The Great Divide: How Westerners and Muslims View Each Other" indicated that a large portion of Muslims around the world are nuts. The survey interviewed Muslims in two groups of countries: six with longstanding, mainly Muslim populations (Egypt, Indonesia, Jordan, Nigeria, Pakistan and Turkey) and four in Europe with new, minority Muslim populations (France, Germany, Britain, Spain).

The majority of Muslims polled believe that the September 11, 2001, attacks on the US were carried out by either Jews or mutant X-Men. The proportions range from 85 percent in Pakistan to 52 percent among French Muslims.

Aamir Morrun, a Pakistani respondent is convinced that mutant X-Men are responsible. "These X-Men are very powerful," Morrun explained. "They can throw cars into the air with just their minds. They could easily have diverted airplanes into buildings. Since destroying the World Trade Center I have seen them destroy the Golden Gate Bridge."

The majority of Muslims polled said they had confidence in Osama bin Laden. A third of Muslims polled said suicide bomber would be a good career choice. Fida Bashim of Jordan is one of them. "It's a great choice," said Bashim. "You get to travel and do important work. In the end you go to paradise and ave sex with dozens of virgins. You can't beat it."

Oswald Shockey of the Pew Center says "The attitudes expressed by a huge percentage of these Muslims are virtually indistinguishable from the rantings of patients in mental asylums."

In related news, Islamic Research Academy in Egypt ruled that suicide bombers do NOT qualify for paradise unless their attack kills at least one infidel. "Allah does not reward clumsiness," said the ruling. "If all a suicide bomber achieves is his own death or that of fellow Muslims, his soul goes straight to Hell." The ruling is expected to reemphasize the importance of training.

Judge Halts Missouri Executions

U.S. District Judge Fernando Gaitan Jr. halted executions in Missouri until the state makes sweeping changes to ensure that inmates do not suffer when they are put to death. The judge cited "numerous problems" with the state's lethal injections, including the use of possibly nonsterile needles, inadequate heating and/or air conditioning, and a generally depressing atmosphere.

"The nonsterile conditions are especially egregious since they could lead to these prisoners getting infections," said Gaitan. "Improperly set thermostats inflict unnecessary suffering. You know how it is when a room is too cold or too hot. You just can't be comfortable."

Gaitan said these deficiencies subject condemned inmates to unconstitutional pain and suffering. Ruling in the case of condemned axe-murderer Chip Morely, he gave the Department of Corrections until July 15 to come up with some changes, and said no executions can occur until he reviews and approves them.

"As for the depressing atmosphere, they could try some drapes, softer lighting and maybe some mood music," said Gaitan. "It's the little things that help make for a more pleasant all around experience."

Morely, who slew a family of four in a car-jacking robbery, said he was encouraged by the ruling. "These conditions are inhumane and savage. They show no consideration for my feelings. I don't deserve such cruel treatment."

Iraq Insurgents Endorse Kerry Troop Withdrawal Plan

Insurgents in Iraq have offered a qualified endorsement of Senator John Kerry's (D-Mass.) call for a pull out of U.S. troops. Ibn Amuk, spokesman for the Army for the Baathist Restoration, says his group is encouraged by Kerry's call for a U.S. pull out.

"Senator Kerry's ideas are very compatible with our objectives," said Amuk. "Pinning down a date will help us plan for the future. It's a shame he wasn't elected president."

Kerry took the unexpected endorsement as further evidence that President Bush is on the wrong track. "The president would have us believe that Mr. Amuk and men like him are America's enemies," said Kerry. "I think we now have evidence that this is a lie. Mr. Amuk's support for my initiative shows that a different policy can work to establish peace. I wish we had more voters who saw things as clearly as Mr. Amuk."

In related news, Representative John Murtha (D-Penn.) said the media had misquoted him as saying "American troops are cold-blooded killers of innocent women and children." "What I actually said was 'American troops are cold-blooded monsters who kill innocent women and children.'" said Murtha. "That my remarks were distorted by the right wing media is a further demonstration of why America is the greatest evil on the face of the planet."

Poll Says North Korean People Favor Annihilating America

In the midst of the diplomatic stand-off over its nuclear weapons and missile development programs, a poll of North Koreans revealed that 99.4 percent favor using their nuclear missile to annihilate America.

"Kim is a genius," said one respondent. "Any weapon he has designed will be fearsomely destructive. It will mercilessly wipe out our enemies. We should use it before the American imperialists steal it from us."

While Kim Jong-il's government expressed general satisfaction with the poll results, it said it found the lack of unanimity "troubling." An investigation has been initiated to root out the sources of dissent despite pollsters' assurances that the 0.6 percent who didn't endorse an immediate attack on the United States is negligible and that for all intents and purposes, Kim has the people squarely behind him.

"We are concerned if even one sheep strays from the flock," said Sen Sum-Sens, deputy secretary for indoctrination. "We will find and tend to these sheep."

John Semmens got his start writing about politics for his college newspaper. Since then, he has written more than 500 articles that have been published. In addition to "Semi-News," John writes a recurring column for the East Valley Tribune.

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