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JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News

Hamas Unmoved by Israeli Incursion into Gaza

July 8, 2006

A spokesman for Hamas's armed wing, Izzadin al-Kassam, said the Israeli campaign to free kidnapped soldier Gilad Shalit "will not divert us from our traditional strategy of targeting children and unarmed civilians. If the
Israelis think they can frighten us from utilizing our most effective weapon against them they are gravely mistaken."

"The Jews ask us to stop targeting innocents," said al-Kassam. "We say never! We started blowing up schools decades ago. We are not going to stop until every Zionist has been eradicated from our land. There will be no
mercy."

In related news, Prime Minister Ismail Haniyeh has asked that a truckload of Depends be allowed through the Israeli blockade. "These supplies are needed to deal with an urgent situation that has suddenly emerged at Hamas headquarters," said Haniyeh. The truck contains 1,000 12-packs of "Classic Style" Depends, which are advertised for uses requiring "moderate to heavy bladder and bowel control."

NY Times Defends Itself

Aggrieved that its publication of the government's secret efforts to monitor terrorist finances has been criticized as "giving aid and comfort to the enemy," Bill Keller, executive editor of the New York Times has come out swinging.

"It's not fair that the Times should be singled out for giving aid and comfort to the enemy," said Keller. "Everybody's doing it." Keller pointed out that since his paper broke the story hundreds of other media outlets have repeated it in various forms. "Are they going to arrest every editor in
America?"

"And it's not only the media that could be accused of aiding the enemy," said Keller. "Senator Kerry (D-Mass) said our troops are terrorizing Iraqi women and children. Rep. Murtha (D-Penn) said our troops are cold-blooded
killers of women and children. Surely such inflammatory statements do more to undermine U.S. efforts than our relatively dull story of financial accounting surveillance."

Keller's argument received backhanded support from filmmaker Michael Moore. "All of these other piddling little efforts to undermine the so-called war on terror pale in comparison to my efforts," said Moore. "Fahrenheit 911
made more accusations and reached a far broader audience than anything said or done by anyone else. If the Bush regime is to put anyone on trial for giving aid and comfort to its enemies it ought to be me."

Moore says film crews are standing by in case he is put on trial. "It would be a blockbuster," boasted Moore. "I'll make more money on it than all of my other films put together."

Moore says he is confident that he would be acquitted in any trial. "I have so many fans that any jury pool is bound to be stacked in my favor," said Moore. "There's no way I'd be convicted."

Kerry took issue with both Keller and Moore. "While I kind of agree with both of them, I also disagree," said Kerry. "Everyone of us is kind of giving aid to the enemies President Bush has invented. But since the enemies are imagined there can be no offense under the law. Besides, what I have
said is of far more importance than what the Times has written or Mr. Moore has filmed. I am the leader of the insurgency against the Bush Administration. I almost toppled it in 2004. I am building support for another try in 2008."

A poll of NY Times subscribers showed a majority were concerned for the paper's future. Respondent Lance Portnoy's take on it was fairly representative. "If the Times were to be closed I'd be hard pressed to find an adequate replacement," said Portnoy. "No other paper offers as much bulk per dollar. It has really helped save my carpet from my dog's intestinal problems."

North Korea Thwarts US Attack

The government of Kim Jong-Il announced that America's attempted July 4 attack on his country was thwarted when "the supreme mental energy of Kim caused all of the American rockets to explode just hundreds of feet in the
air over their launching pads in cities all across the United States."

The statement went on to say that "as a show of mercy, Kim's psychic powers also caused all of the Nodong and Scud missiles in North Korea's planned retaliatory strike to crash harmlessly into the sea, sparing the Americans
from their justly deserved punishment."

The statement concluded that "Kim's power, wisdom and mercy are unbounded, marking him as the progenitor of a new race of superhumans."

NEA Delegates Endorse Same-Sex "Marriage"

The National Education Association (NEA) has voted overwhelmingly to endorse same-sex "marriages." The action goes beyond "tolerance" to "acceptance" of
the homosexual lifestyle as "normal" and "beautiful."

Critics of the measure have suggested that the union is venturing far afield from the objectives of educating the young and obtaining better pay and working conditions for teachers. "This whole issue is controversial and
tangential to our goals," said Norman Person, an NEA member from California. "I don't see how it helps kids or teachers."

Franklin Butz, a gay member from New Jersey had the opposite view. "Educating the young about alternative lifestyles is central to our mission," said Butz. "Acceptance of alternative ways of living is more important than the mastery of mundane topics like math or reading. After all, computers can do our math. Television can supplant reading. But these
devices can't replace the feelings we need to instill in our students."

Cynics assert that the foray into controversial political issues is aimed at diverting attention from poor test scores among public school students. "The endorsement of non-academic causes is symptomatic of the rot that pervades the NEA," said a disgruntled NEA member who asked to remain nameless. "I suppose if we get people riled over these issues they'll forget about the more fundamental failures of the system."

The NEA leadership's push for gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender issues as a requirement for teacher credentialing has been impeded by the low reading comprehension of so many NEA members. It is a delicate matter since it is feared that the normal procedure of converting the message into
pictographs might be too pornographic in this particular case

Hillary Says She Baby-Sat for Children of Laborers

Appearing before a religious conference, Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-N.Y.) told the audience that as a seven-year-old child she would walk 10 miles through snow and rain to Sunday school each week where she would baby-sit
the children of workers so that their parents could work on the plantations that were common in her community.

"I was fortunate that at an early age, through my church, I was given the opportunity to flesh-out my political resume," Clinton told the 600 adults and teenagers attending the Sojourners "Covenant for a New America" conference.

Sen. Clinton (nee Rodham) says she grew up in Park Ridge, Ill., a Chicago suburb where it was common for wealthy residents to own one or more house servants and numerous field hands to harvest the cotton crop. She wistfully recounted her experiences for the Sojourners audience. "We had such good times. My best friend was named 'Prissy,'" said Clinton. "She was kind of dopey, but cute as a bug. I taught her about Jesus. Then there was 'Mammy'
and 'Uncle Tom.' I have so many fond memories of those days."

Clinton asserted that these early life experiences brought her face-to-face with the realities of relationships between social classes--realities she says helped shape her political philosophy.

France Immigration Law Inspires Protests

The French parliament approved a new immigration law which tilts the system in favor of qualified foreign workers. The law, proposed by Interior Minister and presidential hopeful Nicolas Sarkozy, creates a new type of residence permit -- named a "skills and talents permit" -- for foreigners
with qualifications that are judged to be important for the French economy and labor market.

Under the new law, foreigners will be allowed into the country only if they can earn an income. The foreign spouses of French citizens will now have to wait longer for residence cards -- a move designed to combat bogus marriages. Migrants will also be required to sign an "integration contract" committing them to respect the French way of life.

The law has prompted a strongly hostile reaction from the left-wing opposition, the Catholic Church and some African countries. Critics say it risks bringing talented people into France. Politicians from the left-wing opposition, media personalities and sports stars have been among thousands
to sign a petition denouncing the legislation.

"We didn't come here to work," said Ali Laiabout, an unemployed welfare recipient. "There is work in Algeria. To say that we don't help the economy is a lie. Everything we consume makes a profit for the bloodsucking businesses." Laiabout vowed he will burn more cars if that is what it takes to get his message across.

There an estimated 200,000 to 400,000 illegal immigrants in France, most of them Muslims.

Dean Says Dems to Revive 1960s

Democratic National Chairman Howard Dean is giddy about the prospects of America revisiting the 1960s through the election of a Democratic Congress and president. Addressing a recent religious conference in Washington, D.C., he spoke glowingly about how the radical counterculture changed America, and how he looks forward to the nation returning to the "same moral principles" that made the '60s great.

"Drugs, free-love, clothing optional, public urination-those were the days," said a wistful Dean. "I remember this one girl, or guy, I'm not sure. We got stoned and had great sex. I wonder whatever became of her or him?"

Dean asserted that it wasn't all fun-and-games. "The 1960s laid the groundwork for some of our most important achievements-abortion-on-demand, flagrant homosexuality, R-rated movies," said Dean. "These achievements are
under threat from the radical right. Only by returning control of government to Democrats can we end this threat and safeguard the fruits of America's 'Golden Age.'"

2 killed for watching World Cup

Radical Islamic militia fighters in Somalia shot and killed two people who were watching a banned World Cup soccer broadcast. The hard-line Muslim fighters, who have banned watching television, opened fire after a crowd of teenagers defied their orders to leave a hall where the Germany-Italy match was being shown on television.

Hard-line Muslim fighters, who wrested control of the Somali capital from warlords in June, have forbidden people from watching television or movies in line with their strict interpretation of Islam. "Muslims must return to activities sanctioned by the Koran," said Sheikh Hassan Dahir Aweys. "Television is the work of Satan. Muslims may not watch it. If tending their goats and beating their wives are insufficient entertainment, Muslim men may join the jihad against the infidels."

John Semmens got his start writing about politics for his college newspaper. Since then, he has written more than 500 articles that have been published. In addition to "Semi-News," John writes a recurring column for the East Valley Tribune.

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